29-02-2016.

Dear Love,

Do you know the movie titled.. Groundhog Day?

I bet you don’t know that movie.
You once said to me that you are not actually a movie lover.
You can’t sit tight in front of TV doing nothing but watching movie.
It’s an old movie, 1993, to be exact.
It’s a fantasy comedy drama movie, I watched it once, it was really good.
Yes, you can Google it if you want to right now.
But in case you are too lazy to Google it and read the description,
Let me just write it here.

So it’s a story about a weatherman that sent to cover a story about the annual Groundhog Day festivities; it was his fourth year, and he just did not like his assignment or the town he’s covering at.
He didn’t put any effort to hide his frustration and grudgingly gave his report on the festivities, and when he’s done, he tried to go back home but a blizzard shuts down all travel in and out of the town.
He and his team were forced to return to the town and stay another night.

Now here, is the interesting part.

The weatherman was stuck on the very same day where he had to cover the story.
So he woke up only to find that he was re-living the day (2nd February, if you want to know) over, and over again.
The day played out exactly as it did before with no one but he aware of the loop.
He tried everything – even killing himself – but he always woke up on the same day.
According to the fan website, he was stuck for more than 30 years on the same day.

So what does that information has to do with me, or you, or us?
Let me tell you another story, this time, it’s my story.

I was brushing my teeth this morning.
I was in a hurry, it was around 10:30, and I was kind of late to go to office.
I took my cousin’s toothpaste.
And I stopped brushing my teeth after 4 seconds; why, you ask?

Because it was the very same toothpaste that I used when I was there that night. And by that night, I mean my very first night that I spent with you.

I actually almost cried.
Just because of one stupid thing – a goddamn toothpaste – and it reminds me of you.
It made me remember things:

I still remember how happy we were that day.
I remember woke up and said to you via Skype that I was about to go to airport.
I remember waiting at the airport, filled with impatience and happiness.

The first blow was when I saw you at the airport.

Honestly? I didn’t know that you were that small.
I remember hugging you and kissed your hair.
And I remember that I continued to do so when we were at the train.

The second blow was when I heard you said,
“Don’t ask; if you want to kiss me, then just do it.”

The third – and the most beautiful – killing blow was when I kissed you.

It was as if nothing in the world matters.
Nothing – nothing but us;
Really, I didn’t give a flying fuck about whoever or whatever it is in this world.
All that mattered at that time was you, me, and our togetherness.
Love, I can’t describe that moment, but trust me, it was one of the most beautiful moment that we have; just admit it.

And I remember how we spent the whole day going here and there together.
And I remember that I was brushing my teeth with your toothpaste.
But that was NOT the reason why I almost cried this morning.

It was because I remember that I kissed you goodnight, and you have the very same toothpaste taste lingering on your beautiful lips.

If the third killing blow left me dying, I guess that goodnight kiss really killed me.

Remembering all those, now I really wish I was the weatherman in the Groundhog Day.
Or I should say, I wish the Universe cursed me to repeat the very same day where we first met; where we first kissed; where we first had lunch and dinner together; and where I first kissed you goodnight and spent our night together.
I would be willing to repeat that very same day for as long as the Universe want to.
Call me the biggest idiot in the entire world, but I won’t be bored to see your smile, I won’t be bored to kiss your hair, I won’t be bored to repeat our first kiss, and I won’t be bored to once again taste the lingering taste of the toothpaste on your ravishing lips.

How could I get bored of experiencing something so goddamn beautiful over, and over, and over, and over again?

As I’m writing this post, I’m currently at the 26th floor.
I’m looking outside the window, and I could feel the cold rainy night.
And I could see the city lights below me.
And I.. I quietly whispered a wish, to God? To Universe? I don’t really know who do I need to speak my wish to.

But I wish, I wish both of us could once again drown in Love without caring about anything else in this wicked, crumbling world; just me, you, and us.
Together in Love.

Should I plead and beg the God or the Universe to help you find your way back?
God? Universe? Please?

I need you to find your way back home, where you left your love – inside my heart.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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28-02-2016.

23:50

Couple days ago I was talking about how to love myself.
And I said I didn’t really know how to do it.

I realized that it has something to do with the thing called change.

If we want to change ourself for the sake of improvement or growth, then it’s fine.
But mostly, we want to change not because of those reasons.
Usually, when we aren’t satisfied with ourselves, we tend to loathe ourselves.
And when that feeling hits us, when we feel so dissatisfied with ourselves,
No amount of change could possibly convince us.
We will always feel unworthy, or unlovable.

That kind of self-loathing is pretty common these days.

For example, me.
I used to hate myself because I always give my all in loving something or someone.
I always try to do anything – and everything – for those that I love.
And when ‘that’ thing happened to her, suddenly I felt that everything that I have done for her is just not enough.
I told myself that I’m a failure in loving someone.
Even with everything that I have, it’s just still not enough to get her heart back from cynical state to a perfectly loving state.
Yes, there were times where I just really, really hate myself because of that.

It was like I was constantly trying to kill my own self while hoping for a rebirth so I could replace myself with someone better.

Yes, it really was that bad.
You see, people are usually more willing to share their stories AFTER it has already happened – once it has already labeled as a ‘past’.
From my experience, regarding to her, she didn’t even let me to see a glimpse of what happened to her, she kept the problems all by herself.
And few weeks after, she told me everything.
From that, I realized something.

It’s WAY less scary to say “this is what happened” or “this is who am I used to be” than “this is what I am going through right now” or “this is what I am struggling with sometimes.”

I know that I am not different from most people.
I really want to be loved and accepted, I do. She does. We all do. And I learn a little more every day that my own self-respect is the foundation of long-lasting happiness.
Who doesn’t want to feel that people actually completely understand us?
The feel that they get what we feel, and at the end of it, love us?
I think we all want to believe it’s perfectly okay to be exactly who we are.
Well, people can only love us if we believe that we are lovable.

I tend to tell myself that I am being selfish whenever I consider meeting my own needs; and this is something that I really should change.
Because most of the time I don’t consider my needs as a priority.
There are also some other signs of people that don’t love themselves:

Some people tend to compensate for who they are with apologies, hedging words, or clarifications for their actions, like they always owe other people explanations.
Some people beat themselves up when they make even the slightest mistake – this one, I saw in her; she tends to think that she is the most useless person in the world whenever unable to do something, or just simply doing something wrong.
Some people even feel overwhelming disgust or anger whenever they think about their flaws, simply because they do not love themselves.

I know sometimes it is challenging to love ourselves.
But life, is transformation; staying static is some kind of suicide.
It’s hard, but we need to realize how beautiful we all are inside.
People could see straight into our souls and say that we are beautiful.

I could see straight into her soul and tell her that she is beautiful.
I’ve done it – I wrote it hundreds of times.

But it all will be gone to waste if she herself does not believe in her beauty.
Well, at least she has someone that consequently tell her that she is beautiful.
If, she reads all my posts.
As for me, even though I don’t really have anyone that would tell me that I am amazing in my own way, I should try to love myself with whatever it is that I have.
And I just want to tell her few things about this.

I want her to know that she is NOT her worst mistakes.
She made mistakes, lots of them, I know.
I believe her past actions shaped her today, make her who she is now.
But she is NOT what she has been.
She doesn’t need to carry around labels or mistakes from yesterday.
It does not define her; whatever she has done, it’s over.
It does NOT have to brand her – not if she is making the conscious choice to do things differently than what she has done right now.
We all can judge ourselves by our weakest or strongest moments.
It’s a choice, it’s always is.
I just want her to focus on her strongest moments and feel good about it.
Just to remind her to love herself for who she is based on the good things.
And, of course, not on the negative things that has happened.

I want her to know that she has nothing to prove.
You see, no matter how successful someone is, there are always things that they are proud of and they are ashamed of; which, I believe, they wish people would see more of the former and less of the latter.
We, humans, people, want validation; it’s a human need, we feel connected to other people by getting some validation from other people.
And often when we feel alone, it’s because we believe we haven’t proven how good we are or what we can be.
Well guess what? It’s somewhat a wrong thinking.
We don’t have to show the world that we are good.
We don’t have to try to hide the things that we have done that looks bad for us in front of our eyes.
We just have to accept our authenticity, what we can do, and what we can’t do. For the latter, I think we just have to forgive and accept ourselves and trust that people will do the same.
Well, there will always be some people that will judge us, me, her, all of us.
But know that if they do judge her, then it’s just their reflection – it’s just because they do NOT actually happy with themselves, too; have pity on them.
I don’t know about her, but I would rather be real with people, and know the ones who accept me full; than pretend and then have to maintain the illusion that I am something I am NOT.
I want her to know that there is still me, that would accept her just the way she is; I want her to know that she just doesn’t have to prove anything to me.

I want her to know that her darkness is something valuable.
Like I said, she made mistakes – well, who hasn’t? We all do.
But because we made mistakes, we actually learned from them.
Because we made errors, and because we hurt, we could empathize when other people are hurting. We can reach out of ourselves and hold other people up when they need it.
Having strengths and weaknesses is very human.
If she didn’t have less flattering traits and stories, then she wouldn’t be as beautiful as she is right now at this moment.
She needs to know that her flaws are NOT liabilities; they are assets.

I want to know that she matters.
Some people could hurt other people with simple words.
For her, perhaps, it’s when those people say that she does not mean anything.
That they don’t need them, that she suddenly meant nothing for them.
Sigh. If only those people knew that it would leave a scar on her.
Sometimes, people just couldn’t believe that they mattered until someone really said to them that they are, matter.
I want her to know differently – I want her to know that she DOES matters.
Not only her soul and her being, but her whole life matters for me.
And of course, for herself.
I want her to know that she actually touch my life everyday.
Even if she doesn’t tell me about it.
Just a small – a very small act from her could make my whole day.
Maybe she doesn’t recognize it, but she makes a positive difference in me.
And, if you see from the big picture, she makes a difference to the world.
Because even the smallest seed of love from her is valuable.
It’s a seed – it’s valuable – it could grow.

I want her to know all of those.

About loving yourself, well, I haven’t always done this.
I haven’t always loving myself and telling her that she needs to love herself like this; I’ve let some moments slip away, bugging me in my head, and wishing that I was someone better.
But those moments have passed, and now, even though I am not fully happy, I could say that I am on my path to be happy with me.

And I want that love for her, too.
I want her to know that she deserves it.

I want her to learn what love really means.

……

Dear Love,

I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you.
Well, perhaps you already know it, but, I just want to say this.

Take what I am about to say as an encouragement, okay?

Whenever you feel like you are not perfect, whenever you feel like something is wrong with you, I want you to remember that you are actually perfect.
I don’t want you to be obsessed with self-improvement.
You don’t bloody need it.
You, Love are playing the game of life as best you know how and trying to get better every day; I, do this too.
You, are capable of doing your possible best.
And you can NOT do someone else’s best, because you, are the best for you.

You make mistakes, I make mistakes; just like everyone else.

You are unique, and I am unique, no matter what people say about us.
You’re the world’s only opportunity to know a person just like you.
You, are the only hope to share what only you can.
There is NO such goddamn thing as the way you SHOULD be – as long as you are not hurting someone else. If you enjoy what you do and you bring no harm to other people, Love, you ARE living a beautiful life.

Because you are not someone else, and you will never becaome one.
You, are SOMEONE right now.
Whether you will influence millions of people, or mean the world to just one person – me – your impact is goddamn powerful.
And you need to realize it.

If people don’t like you, it’s their goddamn problem.
If they hurt you because of it, know that you DO NOT deserve it.
No one does. Full stop. End of conversation.
No debate about what people deserve, we live not to judge others.
And of course, not to harshly judge ourselves.

And love, I know you choose what you think is best.
I, right now, believe in what decision you made and you are about to make.
I know you think it’s best for you, or else you wouldn’t choose it.
As you get new information, as you grow stronger, and as you grow smarter,
I know you will make different choices.
Well, you are old enough to make rational and selfless decisions.
I believe in you.

Love, one last thing,
Always remember this whenever you get hard on yourself.
I hope it gives you comfort when you start thinking that there is a good reason no to enjoy your life right now:

Love, you are beautiful, inside and out.

And NEVER let someone else makes you think otherwise.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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27-02-2016.

22:53

Someone once told me that none of us are actually afraid of dark.

We’re scared of what it conceals from us.
We are afraid of having something with the potential to hurt us standing right before our eyes and not registering it as a threat.
And I wonder, is it just the same with people that afraid of love?

They are afraid to be vulnerable.
They turn away and close their heart to the promise of love that is luring.
Perhaps their past has taught her not to be caught by something that is not worth pursuing?
I don’t really know.
But looking from what she has been through, perhaps, her past always remind her not to do something that once had led to her undoing.

Fear is stronger than love; only for average people.

And that, is what makes them so average.

If only she knew on how to not to be afraid of her fears;
That her fears are not there to scare her.
They are actually there to let her know that something is worth it.

And I’d do anything for her.

I’d cut my soul into millions of different pieces just to form a constellation to light her way back home.
I’d write love poems to the parts of herself that she can’t stand.
And I’d stand in the shadows of her heart and tell her that I am not afraid of her darkness.
I don’t care about her broken pieces, and I don’t mind of the cuts and bruises they will make.
And I won’t walk away.

No matter how harsh the winter is,
I will make her feel the heat of sunrays on a freezing cold day.

……

Dear Love,

Laugh at me, but, I don’t actually know on how to erase your pistanthrophobia.
And all I know, is to love someone with all that I have,
And with all that they have.

With all, that you have.

For I will love you with every piece of me.
I will love, and love, and love until I have nothing left.
And I will make more out of the nothing that lives where everything once did.
Do understand this, Love:

I would dismantle myself to put you back together again.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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26-01-2016. [2]

23:36

Can I rant just a little bit?
Maybe it won’t be ‘just a little bit’.
But I’ll rant.

It will probably be the same thing as what I wrote two days ago.
But, well, I don’t really care.
Let me be truly honest and say whatever it is that I have in heart and mind.

Okay.

I think I miss her.
I said “think” because I am not really sure what the hell am I feeling right now.
It’s something like a hole at the pit of my stomach.
But I know it’s not because of my stomach that is acting up, no.
I didn’t eat anything stupid today.
But the feeling is still there, and it refuses to go away.

And the feeling is the same, constant aching feeling since months ago.

I’ve done everything that I can to make it disappear once and for all.
I tried to bury myself with words – reading things and even writing.
I tried to pour out all my feelings to papers.
I made numerous poems, all came from inside of my heart.
But it does not go away.
It’s as if it has become a part of my body.

I tried to distract myself my immersing myself in my work.
But as I said in one of my previous posts, I always think of her.
Everytime I stop working, everytime I put my attention to something else,
I always think of her.
So my work is not the way out of my longing towards her.
No matter what I do, no matter how much overtime that I take,
She will always appear in my heart and mind.

I even tried to hate her.
I pull out all my hate and put them into a single bubble.
And I looked at what’s inside the bubble,
I looked at every single hate-able thing that she has done to me.
But no matter what I do, they vanished in less than a second.
It took days to accumulate all the hate I have towards her inside of me.
And when I finally look at them as a whole, they vanished.
It was as if my love towards her laughed at those hate that I’ve collected, and blew them away like bunch of insignificant dust.
No, I absolutely won’t be able to hate her.
Plus, all I did was just making the ache more severe than before.

And so I stopped in trying to relieve myself from this aching feeling.
I’ll just leave it there.
It’s frustrating, yes. But there’s nothing I could do with it.
At least not for me.
I know that she could do something with this aching feeling that I have.
But I also know that she can NOT do anything about it at the same time.
Simply because she just doesn’t want to do anything related to love.
Heck, she can’t even talk to me freely.

Whenever I look back on what happened to me and her, I always wonder on how everything could happen? Or rather, why do they had to happen?

Right now, I am wearing a shirt that says:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
The funny and stupid but also sad thing is, I don’t know what is the reason behind all that has happened to me and her.
When will the better things come?
You see, I always try to keep my mouth shut about it and try to be patient, and also believe that something better will happen to me and her.
I still believe in those things.

But the question is – I’m going to capitalize the word – WHEN?

Yes, I know I’ve rant a lot about those things.
It’s almost half a year ever since that thing happened to her.
And you might think, why am I still acting like an idiot about her?
Is it truly about love?
Or is it about something else?
Wealth? Appearance? Lust? Or some other thing?
Yesterday, someone said this to me:

“What about her? Can’t you find someone better?”
“It’s just your dick aching up, and the pain went up to your stomach.”
“You said love, but here, we say it as a need for getting laid.”
“Bang another girl, you’ll feel better in no time”

In short, they implied that my yearning for her is all about lust.
Well, if they aren’t so far away I would definitely throw my mug to their faces.
I actually laughed at those words.
People are allowed to think whatever it is that they want to think.
They are allowed to sound their opinions, I don’t really mind.
They could assume anything that they want to assume.
But those words they said to me only show how low they regard something so beautiful as love; they think that because they feel different about something called ‘love’ then I need to have the same feeling as they have.

Well, they are horribly wrong, at least for me.

Love is not as shallow as getting naked in bed together and do stuffs.
Everybody could do that, it’s super easy.
But lying together on bed, with your loved one, and getting naked with both of your souls,
Now that, is love.
I felt that when I spent my nights with her, like what I wrote in my 7th Sonnet,

The divinity is just goddamn nameless.

……

Dear Love,

I think I caught a cold from yesterday.
Well, what can I say, I always get exhausted every single day.
I knew that I would catch something sooner or later.

And Love, look at those people that said those stupid things to me.
Isn’t it funny?
How people, who never care about you at all,
All of a sudden think they can judge you, they think they can tell you what to do when something you do is wrong in their eyes.
Seems like you, are not the only one that got those kind of people around.

I don’t think they understand how stressful it is to explain what is going on in your head when you do NOT even fully understand it yourself.

About my yearning for you,
Well, I don’t know what else that I have to say.
It’s been there since months ago, and I don’t have anything more to say about it.
You know about it well, as much as I do.
And I know you won’t even talk to me about it.

Although you should have told me.
You should have told me I would lose my mind loving you.
That I would find extreme beauty in your being.
That I won’t be afraid of the dark in you, oh in fact, I love it so goddamn much.
Well, even if you did warn me, I won’t even step back, not even the slightest bit.
If I knew that loving you would bring me this kind of madness, I honestly would be thrilled and feel like I could love you forever; well, I already feel like I will love you forever now.

You have to know, you.. Are the most vibrant flower I had ever found.
And I really wanted to pick you for my own, so I could witness your beauty all alone.
But, love is meant to continually thrive.
And you couldn’t do that trapped in just my eyes.
So I left you to grow, while watching you every single day.
And people might not realize it now, but you, you are the envy of every rose.
You, with your own thorns and beauty.

Love, you are the reason my heart can love right now.
I could never roam anywhere anymore.
Just hold me close, and whisper love poems.

I will whisper only the truth of what you mean.
Just give me your all,

And I will give you my everything.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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26-02-2016.

02:40

It was raining.

And I forgot to bring my umbrella.

So I walked about 2kms to home, drenched in rain.
And to make it worse, I left my keys at the office.
I literally had to wait for about 15 minutes beneath the rain until my cousin came and brought me spare keys.
And in that 15 minutes, I thought about a lot of things.
I never thought that sitting beside the street and drenched in rain could gave me some good – or should I say stupid – thoughts about love.

Love.

Love is.. I guess, one of the greatest things this world has.
And, at the same time, one of the harshest, too.
It is beautiful, but it also can be dark.
It can be cruel, but it is also kind.
It can bring out the best and the worst in people.

And love is about facing challenges and fighting who you care for.

Love could change you.
Oh it will leaves its mark on you.
And by mark, it means that.. It could destroy you.
Or it could completely rebuild you.
And, personally ?

It could drive you mad.

The other part.. I should say it directly to her.

……

Dear Love,

I’m fine.
My body feels a little bit hot; I might have a slight fever.
I was completely drenched in rain, that must be the cause.
But if I could think about you under the cold rain, then I think I’m fine.
At least I am trying to be.
You know I always think about you way too goddamn much.

Love, I do not need temporary person in my life.

I need someone permanent.
Someone that I could love completely.
Even if she is one hell of an unlovable mess, I will look at her with love in my eyes.
And I will stay; stay, no matter what happens.
And that person, is you.

I don’t mess around or play games anymore.
I don’t believe in them anymore; I just want honesty.
Because love is supposed to be a safe place.
It’s about accepting someone’s weirdness and flaws.
It’s about being yourself and finding happiness together.
It’s about seeing you – an imperfect person – perfectly.

I know things are looking real bad between us right now.

But who’s to say that I can’t really melt your ice cold heart?
I already did it; not all of them, but just enough so i can bare to touch you.
And, who’s to say that with you, being broken, is not a work of art?
When maybe, just maybe, you just need someone to love you far harder than ever.
And Love,

Who’s to blame your damage anyway?

Oh, that thing isn’t even worth mentioning.
It isn’t worh the loneliness that drowns you.
Love, I don’t really care about those things.
Because all I know, when you are around, you make me glow.

And I just.. Want to be yours without restriction.

For our love is a drug without prescription.
And it’s limitless, because there is no dose.
No rules, no limit, no petty things whatsoever.
And the truth is, I don’t want to feel anything else but this.
Because it felt so infinite.

It was as if I could live forever beneath the rain.

You see, Love, if that day didn’t happen,
I would crawl inside your heart,
And cherish everything you thought I would have hated.
I would have given you every piece of my patchwork soul.
I would have let you create art from my bones, my words, even my fire.
I would have kissed you deeply in public places, just to let pople see our love.
I would have painted the whole city with our memories.

And I would have built us our own world.

But right now, it’s different.
Right now, I will work until the laighter met your eyes.
I will dig through the soil of you until spring finally found its way into the darkest corners of your heart, your mind, and your soul.
I will fight.
I will send my heart to any war for you, and I would never back down.

Because just like when a child learns to walk and falls down 100 times,
They will never think to themselves like this:
“Oh, walking is not for me, I should stop trying to walk”
No, they don’t do that.
They keep trying to walk until they are able to walk.
And so I will, love you with the same perseverance.

I will swim in a storm, amidst thunders and rains, in search of you.
I will love you, completely.
So you would feel whole instead of lost.
Right now, if you think something like,
“Why his thoughts beneath the rain was all about me?”
Don’t ask me, ask my heart and the rain.

And Love, the final thought before I went into home:

Do you think the universe fights for our souls to be together?

Because, some things are too strange.
And just too weird, and too strong to be coincidences.
I guess, the universe is not as bad as I thought.
Because right now, after minutes beneath the rain, I think I believe in something.

That universe, too, is trying to show you way back to me.

And few things for sure about you and about love:

I love your heart even before I love your face.
I love your vision before I love your eyes.
I love your wisdom before I love the comfort your thoughts gave me.
I love your compassion, way before I love how helpful you can be.
I love the person that you are, not the person I want you to be.

Ultimately, know that I deeply respect you before I am madly in love with you.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


love

Sonnet 7.

 
As the midnight moon tantalized the room,
I remember observing you stretched out
Across the sheets in your unspoken bloom:
One rare and perfect beauty without doubt.
With purple drapes cuddling your small body,
You spread a dazzling grin from those fine lips,
Filling my hollow soul with melody
Of your laughter – removing its eclipse.
How very delicate I had to be,
Not to tarnish your porcelain white cheeks;
With each touch, eagerness jolted through me;
Tracing your curves, oh I dared not to speak!
            For you had captivate me with your art,
            And tightly tethered both our gentle hearts.

 

V.A.C.W.
20:14

 

That night was quite warm as it always is.
Your lips were wet with cosmic desire.
I saw you there, beside me in bed, and caressing your hair.
It was as if I looked past the vision and energy of the world.
As if I stared blissfully straight into your soul.
That night, I lost all the reasons to love you; I no longer need them.
Both of us didn’t need a reason to drown in love that night.
You and I, white with heaven.
Oh I tried to find words to fully describe that night.
But divinity like that was just goddamn nameless.

24-02-2016.

18:00

This is getting quite frustrating.
What is this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach ?

At first, I was thinking something like,
“Stomach acting up? I guess I drank too much coffee.”
But even after half a day, the void in the pit of my stomach does not go away.
It stays, lingering around like the smell of a very expensive perfume.
I feel like there is a hole in my heart and a constant pit in my stomach that will never go away; I don’t know, this is just such a bizzare and indescribeable feelings.

Feeling like this is just the worst.
It’s like having a broken ribs.

Nobody can see it, but it hurts everytime you breathe.

……

Dear Love,

I guess I have a hole in my heart or soul or something.
Because sometimes I’m just overwhelmed by how much I miss you.
It’s like the inside of me is screaming, demanding for its missing half.

I never knew it was possible to miss someone so terribly.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W

23-02-2016.

21:45

I finally got the chance to talk to the so-called therapist.

Or Psychologist; although both of them are actually similar.
I don’t know, I didn’t even ask her real job.
All I know, she wants to help me make decisions and clarify my feelings.
I got the chance to talk to her few days ago.
The conversation was actually stretched here and there.
It’s like she was trying to get every single thing from me.
And once I’ve done talking to her, she confirmed what she has heard by asking me questions.

It was fine and all.
And she was actually a big help after what happened to me.
Few days ago, something happened, something related to my family that I can’t even write here because it’s.. I could say too personal.

I told her (not th therapist) about it, though.
She messaged me yesterday, and said that if I want to tell her the story, then I should really do so, and said that I need to cherish whatever it is that still could be cherished.
And I proceed to gave her few voice notes.
The only downside was, she said nothing after that.

And it felt like I was talking to someone that doesn’t want to listen to me.
Or, if I want to put it in a rude way, it was like I was talking to a wall.
It was, once again, a one-way conversation just like before.

But honestly, it’s okay.
I don’t know why she said nothing about what I’ve said, but at least she listened.
At least she cared enough to urge me to tell her about my problems if I want to.
And that, is more than enough for me right now.

Back to the first topic,
I was telling my current condition and my story.
And I was asking her (the so-called therapist) on what I should do.
Well, I could remember most of the conversation she and I had.
At least I remember the most important points.
And uh, I’ll skip the greetings and shits; They are unnecessary.

……..

“I’m a mess. I’m filled with problems.”

“Problems come to all men. It is only a matter of time. But no matter how complicated problems are, they have their own solutions. So, what’s bugging you right now?”

“I don’t really want to talk about my problems with my family or my friends. I got them. But One thing that I couldn’t pull out of my mind is about her.”
“I’m not really worried about her. Really. I completely agree on what you said. That’s why I told myself that I don’t really need to worry about her. You even said last time that I have to think more about myself. And I’m trying to do that.”
“But for some reason, I don’t know why, but.. I think she deserves more fun in her life. I want her to make some true, good and trustworthy friends, and have a lot of fun times with them.”
“I want her to once again believe in love that we have. To once again understand how it feels like to be truly alive, just like what she was months ago.”
“I can’t and even if I can, I don’t think I will be allowed to change someone’s fate. I can’t change what has happened. Even so, I still.. I still want to save her. I want to rewind all the things that happened to her and her problems. What should I do?”

“I think that’s pretty normal. Wanting to help someone that you love so much because it feels like you have the power? That is not weird at all.”
“About fate, haven’t you already changed her fate by just meeting her and coming into her life ? I don’t think you have to worry so much about it. And besides, what is most important is what she herself wants to do, and what she wants you to do.”
“She may or may not be able to think straight, and her feelings may or may not be filled with hesitation, but she is the one who HAS TO make that decision. She owns her life. I believe she is mature enough to make a rational decision without only thinking about herself. Once she decides something, you could do something for her.”
“And remember, don’t do it backwards. There is nothing wrong with helping her with whatever she decides to do, now is there?”
“You love her? Then do it for her. Not for yourself.”

“I don’t know what she wants me to do.”
“Last week she told me the reason of why she stopped talking to me completely. She said she just can’t accept lovey-dovey things. And I stopped, I stopped talking about it to her. I even stopped giving my poems and my writings to her.”
“But ever since that happened, it feels like she’s.. Keeping her distance from me. She can’t talk to me as freely as she was a month ago.”
“And I actually am quite frustrated on this matter.”

“Does she still messages you at times?”

“Ever since I apologized about that lovey-dovey things and seriously said to her that I won’t say anything related to our love, she sometimes messages me, just not everyday.”

“That’s one good example on what I said to you.”
“You actually do things for her. You don’t act according to what you want, but what she wants you to do. Now do you see the difference? See what happens if you do something for her and not for yourself.”
“Mutual understanding is important. And in your case, it is very important that you understand her. Don’t rush on things that you really want. Understand that she just doesn’t want to talk about relationship and loving things.”

“I want her to at least understands me sometimes.”
“Can’t she just put herself in my position and see just how unfair the condition is for me?”
“And besides, how could I understand her if she doesn’t even say anything to me?”
“That thing about lovey-dovey things, honestly, I didn’t even know that she just doesn’t want me to show my love towards her. Yet she kept being silent about it and just told me three weeks after the day she first stopped talking to me.”
“I can’t understand anything if she doesn’t say anything, can I?”

“I don’t object on what you said. You were right. People can’t understand anything about other people’s feelings without being told about them. And contrary to popular belief, silence does not explain anything.”
“Take an example from people that don’t want to get help about their feelings. People that stay silent about their problems, about their depression, or about their troubles. How could other people understand them?”
“If what you said about her being lazy to speak up her problems is true, then I could say she actually brought problems to herself. But for now, let’s look at yourself.”
“You are in a miserable position, I could see. But that does NOT give you privilege to be selfish nor the feeling to be understood by people all the time.”
“You said you accept what happened to you. I could see that clear as a day. But you don’t like it. Accepting and liking what you have accepted are two different things.”
“Being miserable is frustrating, I understand.”

At this point, I actually snapped.
Because it was as if she was talking about my situation like it’s something that so easy to be dealt with; like it’s just all fun and games; child’s play.

“How could you say you understand if you haven’t walked in my shoes?”
“I tried my best to do everything. And by everything I mean every thing.”
“But all of what I did doesn’t seem enough to make my situation better.”
“You were talking about my situation like it’s something easy to be lived with.”

“Maybe that’s what makes you so insecure.”
“The feeling of never be good or close enough to something or for something.”
“Okay, I won’t say anything about your situation right now. I will only give you one piece of crucial advice that you need to do before doing anything else:”
“Love yourself.”
“Because you stress over something that you can’t control and you can’t change. And that, is a sure sign of insecurities.”
“it’s a common problem these days.”
“People that stressing over their look, and take hundreds or even thousand of their own photos, just to assure themselves that they are as good as they think they are.
“People that feel the need to showcase their accomplishments to other people; to show what they can do. In fear if they don’t do it, they will feel unrecognized by another people. They seek unnecessary attention, oblivious of the fact that they need to first prove themselves to themselves before others.”
“People that worrying or stressing over small things, and usually complains that things aren’t good enough. Even themselves. One slight mistakes or misunderstanding could lead them to depression. Looking at the negative side of life is one sign of insecurities. This one is you. That’s why you always feel like you didn’t do everything good enough.”
“Believe in yourself. How could you make people believe in other things if you don’t believe in yourself? You said you want to make her believe in love. That’s noble, but you can’t make people believe if you can’t make yourself believe.”
“I’m not saying that you have to be easily satisfied on what you do, I’m saying that you have to be easier to yourself. You cannot make things better overnight. It’s a complicated lifetime process. You need patience.”
“You said you want to change your situation? You want to change her? It’s not hard, it truly is not. You just need to change yourself first. And you will see that people around you will change. Even she will notice that you have changed.”
“But before you start with yourself, don’t think of starting with others. You will never succeed. Say it to yourself, that you really need to change your perspective towards yourself. Again, love yourself.”

……..

It went on for almost half an hour.
I was mostly whining about things, about how miserable my life is.
I told her about my mind, and how it cluttered with a lot of thoughts because I think about everything, everything, and too much about her.
Because I think about the past, the present, and the future.
And because I think about scenarios that could’ve happened if I kept my lips sealed, or if I was brave and didn’t care about anyone’s opinions.

Yes, I have a terrible, terrible habit of jumping into an ocean of asphyxiating thoughts. Just like her (not the therapist).

And the therapist said the very same thing, that I need to love myself.
Because the train of thoughts came from myself.
She said that I could always say someone else or something else drowns me.
But I need to look at the truth that I drown myself because I don’t know how to be happy with myself, and everything that is happening in the moment.

And seems like running from it is not the solution.

Running from anything that can possibly disappoint me by immersing myself in my work is not the answer. It is not the goddamn solution.
She said that.. I will never enjoy life if I keep doing this.
I will always be in defense mode and never be truly happy.
The most eye-opening thing the therapist said was:

“You understand love. You love with all you have and with all your heart. I admire you. But don’t forget to love yourself. Love yourself just as hard as you love her right now. And, if possible, tell her to do so. You will see the change is just few months, or even weeks.”

Yeah, unfortunately I can’t say it to her.
She doesn’t even talk to me that often. Now how could I say something like that to her? What would she say? She would probably loathe me by saying that.
Why the therapist mentioned her? Because I told the therapist about what she’s been through and what she is (possibly) doing right now.
This is the least thing I could do for her.

But she is right, I couldn’t be selfish about everything.
I said billions of times that I want to understand her yet I am not really doing it and just insist to do whatever it is that I want to do.
True, I don’t talk to her as often as before. And I actually am afraid to talk things to her because I am afraid that I will make her upset by saying wrong things.
And sometimes, sometimes I just want to ask for her attention towards me by saying unnecessary things, and not because I want to message her.
I just want her to talk to me.

Okay.
Perhaps I really need to love myself more.

Speaking of Love Yourself, I remember she mentioned me about one song from Justin Bieber titled “Love Yourself”
And it hit her quite hard because of the lyrics.
I’ve just read the lyrics, and I could say.. I understand why she felt that way.
And I could say the song suits her.
It would fit her if she sings that certain song for those people.

At first I didn’t understand why the therapist told me to tell her that she really needs to love herself more.
But perhaps it has something to do with what happened to her.
Or not, I don’t really know.
I should have asked her about it.
But I could say it was an generalized advice.
Because we, humans, tend to forget that we need to love ourselves before loving others. And that, suits me well.

Now, the question is.
How do I love myself?

I am kind of.. Clueless about this thing.

……

Dear Love,

Thank you for what you said.

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your care about me and my problems.
And that one thing that you said to me about cherishing things that still could be cherished, it really helped me through my darkest times.
And I haven’t explained to you why I said I need to re-think my whole life.
It’s because.. It’s because it feels like once again I got no one but myself.

Me, and my work.

Well, the therapist clearly said that I need to love myself more.
And immersing myself in my work is not a way out of my problems.
I remember that I wanted to say to you that your way of working and distracting yourself as a way to keep yourself sane is so wrong on so many levels.
But, Love, look at me right now.
I am doing almost the exact thing that you actually did.
Quite ironic, no ?
I remember one thing that I’ve read somewhere I can’t remember:

“The person you love is the very reflection of yourself. Because there are things in them that suits you and match you well. We are naturally attracted to people that shows us what we really are. It creates a magical bond beyond human understanding. This is why we could say that married couples are ‘alike’ with each other. Perhaps not on the outside, not on what people could see, although there are so many reports of look-alike married couples. But look deeper, look way past your eyes, and you will see that they are made for each other.”

I scoffed at those words once, really.
I didn’t believe those stupid, romanticized words, spouted by unknown man.
But now, and after what we have been through, I think I have to agree with those words.
Do you remember that time when we were eating a certain cooked fish?
If was one of many moments where we realized just how alike we are on the inside.
And we cherished it; we really cherished it together.

And Love, I have to say these words to you right now:

You are not the woman I wished for.

You are not the bones, or the laughter, or the weirdness that I ordered.
You do not consist of the madness I so desperately and achingly long for.
You, are tender, and sweet, and as soft and lovely as a bouquet of clouds.
You are more soul than body, more grace than bones, and more heart than lust.

But you are not what I wanted.

I don’t know which analogy or metaphor or words should I give you.
With tears in my eyes to tell you something that is as simple as the moon is bright.
That’s why I said it simply, with these common words:

You are not what I wanted.
You, are better.

Because, just like atoms and the solar systems, we are mostly filled with empty space.
But in your very presence, bathed in your life, filled with your courage,

I lacked nothing.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


25d157d860b9514fad8644a55eddb309

20-02-2016. [2]

22:59

Last post before break.

Speaking of which, I was testing the hiatus page.
And I forgot to publish the edited version.
You’ll see on that page why I edited it.

Now, random thought from last night:
Sometimes I wish I could draw well.
Just so I could show what’s in my heart and mind.

I just want to put my thoughts and feelings out and show what they are like.

I could describe it using words.
Since my first post, I’ve explained my thoughts and feelings using my own words.
But sometimes it’s just not enough.
A picture could speak a thousand words.

Last night, when I was lying down on the sofa, my head was full of things.
I imagined few things.
And I really wish I could draw it beautifully on a piece of paper and show the world.
But, well, since I couldn’t draw, perhaps I should write them down.
I’ve done this before, in one of my post I’ve described on how her heart looked like when she was betrayed; when her trust was completely killed.

Now, imagine this:

Imagine you’re standing in front of walls – a huge one – extending from your left to your right, as far as your eyes could see. And it is a cold, cold day. There is not a single drop of snow around, but the temperature is just cold enough to make you chilled to your bones.
The wall was made from stone – and it’s freezing cold. If you look at your left, you could see the wall that’s extending to your left was vandalized – or I’d rather say decorated – with words. At the ground in front of those walls to your left, there was a long trail of blood.
If you look at your feet, you could see a pool of blood. And you could see that blood are dripping from your hands – your wrists – they are bleeding. You realized that you are currently writing using your fingertips, with your blood as your ink. And you, are writing a poem.
Your hands, body, knees, and even feet, are just so heavy and weak; and your wrists hurt; but you don’t want to stop writing on that wall. You don’t want to stop and take a rest. You are doing everything you can to warm those walls – even if it means you have to use your own blood.
And you keep writing; you keep writing on those walls with all the strength that you have. Hoping that perhaps, perhaps someday it would be enough to warm those walls.
Or should I say, her heart.

That was one of the things that I really want to draw.
I did make a poem out of it, but, again, it would be SO much better drawn.

It was just what I really felt.
I’ve said it thousands of times, I know that what happened to her made her cynical towards love. I don’t even know what she really feels about love anymore.
And I guess, because of me and my loving heart, she rejects me.
She doesn’t want me to show my love towards her.
And she can’t talk freely to me.

That’s why I portrayed her heart like a fortress.
Wintry fortress.
It’s as if she’s having her walls built up in a day.
And suddenly, I’m outside her heart without even knowing it.
Blunlty speaking, she kicked me out of her heart after what happened.

How am I doing outside?

Let’s say I’m happily killing myself with words.
It’s not as bad as it sounds, really.
All I am doing is writing things for her.
Honestly I don’t know if my words would be able to melt her heart.
But hey, if you never try, then you’ll never know.

I need to have more patience in this matter.

You see, I am making time my best friend right now.
But he doesn’t teach me anything other than being patient.
Once again, I remember what she said to me:

“Regarding matters like these, I have unlimited patience.”

Who would believe that she has one hell of patience inside that little body of hers?
And right now, I need that kind of patience.

Because other than things related to me and her, I got another thing to worry about.
One thing that made me want to stop writing for awhile.
And made me want to think about my life.
Now THIS thing, this fucking thing is really testing my patience.

Patience is self-suffering.
I need to remind myself on how to be patient.
Because right now, will all the things that I am facing at, I need to have patience.

Patience, is the key.

……

Dear Love,

I don’t really know what to say.
All I asked is for you to try to find your way back to me.
I will keep trying to melt your frozen heart.
Although sometimes, I need a break to think about things.

The truth is..
Something happened today.

Something related to my family about something that you already knew before.
I told you the story when were exchanging stories and secret that one night.
And that thing gave my whole life another blow.
One goddamn fatal blow that made need to think about my life once again.
That made me want to stop writing for awhile.

This is not about you. This is not about us, really.
I don’t want to tell you what happened unless I speak to you personally.
And by personally I don’t mean using messages.
I could use voice notes, but I don’t know. I just.. Don’t know about anything right now.
But do ask me if you want to know what happened.

And Love, I want to say some things.

I know that right now, you are going a long way alone, you, are going astray.
With no place around to rely on, and with no place around that knew your sadness.
And I know when the lonely night falls, you hope that the wind stops for awhile.

Now whenever you feel that, I want you to think of me as your song.
I want you to hear me while you are trying get rid of sadness from your heart.

Love, you have your favourite songs, yes?
Right now, let me be your most favourite song.
Until you could dream again, and until your wounds could heal,
I will be a song and protect your heart.
Even when you are weak and look (you actuallly are, tho) small,
I will hug you tight.

Remember me – as your favourite song – in your heart.
Close you eyes and listend hard to your heart.
Oh, Love, no, you can’t forget my melody.
I’ll be a song – your song – and wipe your tears.

And even when everyone leaves you, I will stand by you.

Until my life ends, and even with the last breath of mine.
I will become this one song of yours in the world.
Don’t you EVER forget that I will always be there for you.

Always.

 
Love,
Yours.
V.A.C.W.

 


patience.png

20-02-2016.

00:29

I Had to write this down for her even though I’m in the middle of my overtime work.

……

Dear Love,

A pretty face may get you attention.
But a pretty heart will get you respect.

A pretty face might get you popularity,
But a beautiful reasonable mind will get you happiness that will last a lifetime.

Your attitude might get you attention,
But kindness will get you genuine love.

True love is not easily found.
Because things that last a lifetime are rare.

You, are rare.

And that’s a fact.

Do NOT ever allow anyone to make you doubt that.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.