I want to say this directly to you.
But it would be absurd to type more than 1500 words on a messenger.
And so, I hope you will read this.
Love, tomorrow is my first day.
I actually am excited.
Why wouldn’t I? Like I said, this is the time for me to prove myself.
To finally do what it takes for me to pave my way to the top.
You said it numerous times to me that you will be big.
That you are on project along with other people.
Well, this is the time for me to say the same thing with ten times the excitement:
Watch me closely, Love. I’m going to work hard and achieve my own success, that even you, or anyone else that sneered at me and said that I couldn’t do it, will look at me in amazement. That even the people that didn’t want to know me and think that I’m just another unimportant person in their life will suddenly want to shake my hand and talk to me.
Remember when you tested me that OCEAN test at 3 in the morning?
You said that when I love something, I love, and I love hard.
And it applies when I spite something, too.
Because when it comes to do things, I don’t do them in half-measures.
In loving you, I put my whole heart to display without fear.
And I even still able to love you THIS much after you lied to me and broke me to pieces.
In reading, as you may know, I read too many books that I can’t even count them all.
And I can’t list all of them because I lost my book list.
In writing, well, I tried to at least post something once a day since November.
It has been three months, and There is not a single day where I don’t write something.
And now, is my turn to give my all to my job.
I know I won’t be able to spend my whole time like before in reading and writing.
Heck, I can’t even finish the fourth sonnet, I can’t finish the last stanza.
And I don’t even want to spend my whole time working and doing my job.
I will be persistent in all of things that I love.
But of course, I have to distribute my time properly.
The only thing that I could do continuously 24/7 is.. Loving you.
And I don’t want to use my work as distractions.
Instead I’m going to immerse myself in doing it without thinking it as distraction.
Love, I don’t know anything about you these days.
All I know, you’re done with your assignments and exams, you absolutely don’t want to speak to me – not even a single word, and you will be home next week until the end of the month.
The latter was my hunch, and usually my hunch about you is.. Right.
I don’t know, it’s like I have some connection with you since years ago.
It’s like I know things about you without even asking it.
And I keep thinking about what happened to us.
Not that I do not accepted it; I did.
It’s just.. I actually am wishing that you will open your heart and mind.
To beat and erase your cynicism.
To be able to find your way back to me – to find your love that you hid inside your heart.
I know that you said to me you don’t want to think about close relationship for now.
But you have to know:
There are still more in your life than blindly positioning yourself in the middle of your work.
There are still more in your life than distracting yourself.
There are still more things in your life than the ones that betrayed you.
There are still more things than treating me harshly with silence without telling me a single reason why.
And here is still something called love :
With so many missed kisses, and laughs.
And nights, and days, and risks worth taking between us!
And of course, there are still books that worth to read.
There are still tons of poetry that you can still write.
You have to believe in those things.
Stop confining yourself and avoiding things that you are afraid of.
I don’t want you to continue close your point of view to beautiful things around you.
Believe in love – our love.
It does NOT hold you and cage you and hold you close to me.
You are free to do whatever you want even you are in the boundaries of our love.
I promise you it will set you free.
Right now both of us might be struggling to firmly stand on our own feet.
You with your both little feet, and I with mine.
As you know I had my time – my lowest point – where I feel so trapped and alone.
Just like where no one really cares.
My soul was screaming for acceptance.
My heart was breaking in two, screaming with pain and sorrow.
As those two laughed mercilessly towards me.
And for you, too.
Your lasting long pain and agony, that caused by those assholes.
Sometimes, humans really are such cruel beasts.
Who prey so viciously on the weak and the broken.
Yeah, sometimes I loathe the harsh way of living.
Love, You and I, we have endured too much suffering.
Don’t avoid and ignore your heart’s calling.
Let us look at each other closely.
Not to contempt on each other, but to name each other’s scars.
We could run together into the world’s wilderness.
Or even chasing the stars and the moon with our souls – mad in love.
And the best part will be, it will be just us against the world.
Together, we can save ourselves.
And Love, this might be called boasting, but let me tell you this:
I want to know that you are dearly loved by someone that is hard to love.
Because it usually take me a VERY LONG time to reach a point where I deepy love someone.
To reach a point where I could be sure with their flaws and imperfections.
I’ve spent a quarter of my whole life – 7 years – up until this point – just to completely love you with all your flaws and imperfections, because this kind of love is something that is growing steadily in someone’s heart.
And usually for people, it won’t take long for them to love someone.
But for me, I set my bar WAY too high until I am completely sure with someone.
Anything less than that time, I won’t be sure that someone is right for me.
Yes, I might look bitter to everyone.
I might look SUPER rude and everything.
But I could be the sweetest lover in the world when I do love someone so much.
And right now, it’s you that I really love.
Love, I don’t know what will happen to us.
I don’t even know why you just stop talking to me but not to everyone else.
And that treatment made me thinking.
Perhaps I should talk to you once and for all.
I don’t know, Love. Am I disturbing you?
Am I just a distraction in your busy life?
You don’t even say anything to me about it, and honestly it’s frustrating me.
I tried to forget, I really did.
But you grew around my ribcage, and sprouted flowers just below my collarbones.
Every single day I pluck their petals.
But they keep growing and growing.
And so, like I said countless times, I stopped trying to stop loving you.
I spent too much time on what should I do with us.
Yes, you might say that we should continue our life and see what will happen to us.
You said you want to recover yourself alone.
I guess, my work will help me on being patient with you and your condition.
If you asked me on why do I love you, I will answer just like I’ve answered before.
I don’t really know.
I just love you, with all your flaws and your imperfections.
People said, it’s the little things that make you love someone so big.
Funny, when I think about you on that saying, all I could remember is your frame.
Your little hands, your little arms, and how did you try to wrap your arms around me.
You succeeded to – surprisingly, with only those little arms – hug me tight.
I will never forget that time when we met in the airport.
I believe you won’t either.
This post might be looking like a summary.
Well, yes, it might is.
I just want to fimrly assure you on everything.
On my love, on us, on what happened to you – everything.
Last few things,
I just want to say.. Don’t be like this to me.
I don’t know your reason of being silent to me completely.
But this is not right, Love.
You did label yourself as a cruel person because it feels like you were the one who caused our relationship to be hanging without any certainties.
But back to what I said, when you are being like this, you are actually being cruel towards me.
Yes, it saddened me, really.
And yet you said two months ago that we could talk like usual.
At least tell me what is going on instead of saying nothing.
I won’t hurt you. No.
This is confusing.
Because you don’t even tell me what the hell is going on.
I do want to respect your boundaries.
Heck, I truly want to be in your life.
If I couldn’t respect you and your boundaries, what would I be ?
Love, don’t stop believing; please.
Do be cynical, but acknowledge that trusting me and loving me does not make you worse.
It won’t make you a less of a person than you are right now.
Don’t push love away from your life.
There are still so many things that I want to say.
But I have to rest, I got a big first day tomorrow.
I wish.. I wish you could just say something to me about my first day tomorrow.
This is a very big step for me, and I really want to face it with you.
Love, let me remind you of this.
That I will always be there for you at any time.
I promised, you right?
Open your heart.
Believe that whatever happens to us, both of us will be fine.
We will definitely be alright.
You could lost your faith and trust in humanity along with your ability to love.
But NEVER lost your faith in things between us.
Believe in hopes.
Embrace our love.
Look deep inside your heart and realize on what we have.
Because after all this time, it’s always you – it’s always us.