28-01-2016.

23:37

There was an actual reason I moved away from my hometown exactly yesterday.
As silly as this sounds, I want to see people that actually care for me.

Because today, is my birthday.

The stupid thing was, I forgot to hide my birth date on Skype.
But the amazing thing is, there are bunch of people that stayed silent.
People that I used to talk things to.
My family did not forget my birthday, well they definitely won’t.
Some of them has known me since the date of my birth.
And I’ve known some of them since the date of their birth.

The thing is, I actually am kind of saddened.
People that used to care so much about me, now all of them are currently looking at somewhere else.
Both of my friends, people that know me back in highschool and uni, and most importantly, her.
I could care less about people that I know in highschool and uni.
But both of my friends and her? That’s something else.

I know they remember my birthday.
But they didn’t say anything.
And that made me feel so.. Lonely.
At first.
One of my friends said this in my Skype group:

“Happy birthday for those who are celebrating today.”

And another one of my friends didn’t even say anything.
I actually messaged her.
I wanted to ask about why she ignored me until today.
I asked if she and I could talk, at least because today.. Is my birthday.
Well, I just want to make everything as clear as possible.
Is it so hard for her to say the truth about why she ignored me? Honestly I don’t think so
She replied:

“Yep. Happy birthday, wish you all the best in life, especially your new job.”
“Do your best and success in life. Amen.”

I was confused.
It was not the answer that I really want.
I wanted to ask about what has changed, and why she ignored me?
Because a week ago everything seems just fine.
There must be something happened or something she felt.
Yet she back to the no-reply mode after that.

And, not everybody has a happy birthday.
For those who are having problem with the people around them, like me,
I think birthdays are grim reminders of their loneliness.
My loneliness.
Because, like I said million times, I got no one around me right now.
Family doesn’t count.

At this point, I feel like I made a mistake to her.
A mistake that I myself don’t know what it was.
But, if I did make a mistake, why don’t she just tell me about the mistake that I made?
It’s not that hard. I believe it isn’t.
Or if she just don’t want to explain something to me, she could just say no.
Typing “No.” takes less than 5 seconds.
And it will make me, who are trying to make her talk, shut up.
Yet doesn’t even say anything.

By god, she’s just.. Really hard to understand.

Sigh.
It was already bad enough that I lost people that were once close to me.
She assured me that she would always be by my side – that I still have her.
Until what happened to her made her deranged and unable to trust and love me.
Wow. I actually am whining about how unfair it all was yet again.
Again, I accepted it. I just keep wondering what will happen after that.

What’s the good in me related to what happened to me?
When will the answer come?
How long do I have to wait?
Tokugawa Ieyasu said:

“The strong manly ones in life are those who understand the meaning of the word patience. Patience means restraining one’s inclinations. There are seven emotions: joy, anger, anxiety, adoration, grief, fear, and hate, and if a man does not give way to these he can be called patient. I am not as strong as I might be, but I have long known and practiced patience. And if my descendants wish to be as I am, they must study patience.”

If Ieyasu actually still alive, I would definitely come to him and ask him about patience.
And I would have him teach me about it.
He’s a master of patience. He bloody is.
He kept his feelings in check to reach his ambitions and dreams.
Like I said in my 2016 resolution, she is one of my dreams.

And so, to reach my dream, I have to keep my feelings in check.
I have to be patient.
I have to endure any challenges that will come.
And perhaps she really needs her time on her own.
I’m going to give her some space for now.

I really am hate being patient.
But I have to be.
I have to.

For her.

……

Dear Love,

You are a hard girl to understand.
You have to know that.
Just when we have the chance to clear everything once and for all, you stayed silent.
But okay, I’ll give you your space.
I’ll give you your time.
I’ll be patient.

Love, I read something today
I read a book about human mind and memory.
And there’s something to do with experience.
Everything that happened to us built us without we know it.
What we have experienced built our perception on people.
Perhaps you already learned this in one of your lessons about (ugh) brain.

It is called implicit memory.

Implicit memory is a type of memory in which previous experiences aid the performance of a task without conscious awareness of these previous experiences.
Implicit memory will unconsciously affect us with our decisions:
On who can we trust in our life.
On when are we steady to do something.
On what we are capable of.

There are actually some benefits in this.
It can help us avoid some certain things.
Things that make us unhappy.
Things that make us sick.
Or even things that put us in grave danger.

But there is one thing that we could not avoid.
And I guess.. It’s happening to you right now.
It makes us biased on some things.
Like you and your point of view towards trust and close relationships.
You failed to see those things as they really are.
You even said that loving relationship does not exists.

And I was the one who got the impact from what happened to you.
Okay, I’m going to stop stressing it.
It’s getting quite annoying, I know.
Forgive me, I just can’t stop wondering why it all happened to you. To me. To us.
And although I could just laugh at the confusion, I just keep wondering and wondering.
I know I will have to be patient and compromise with time.
Time. Again. Ugh, I already said I hate that word.

Putting those aside, I know you will have your final exam tomorrow.
Do give your best! You can do it!
I’ll definitely pray for you tonight.

Always remember that I will always be there for you, Love.
I don’t care whatever it is that I am doing, I will always be there for you when you need me.
Just tell me whenever and whatever it is that I could do for you.
I promised you I will be there for you, and I will.
Always.

Lastly, Love, I know you are strong.
Not physically, yes, not with that little body of yours.
But, this time, why don’t you try to be strong in acknowledging your own feelings?
I don’t know if you are afraid to trust me or love me.
Perhaps the feeling rushed back and you are afraid of it so you kept your distance for me.

Whatever it is that you feel, love, don’t be afraid.
Embrace your love and trust towards me.
The love I gave for you deep inside your heart is waiting for you.
It waits for you to be strong once again, for you to take it to surface.
I know it seems unimportant, and it seems like all it does is just to distract you.

But believe me, once you embrace the love that you have and the love I gave for you,
Your world will change for the better.
Because love never meant to make your suffer, it never meant to make you miserable.
I – the one who love you dearly and the one who gave you my love – just want to make you happy.

Won’t you put your complete trust on me ?
I already promised that I would make you delight in joy and triumph for trusting me.
I won’t make you regret trusting me.

Always have faith, Love.
It’s not about the faith between you and God, no.
It’s about putting your entire faith in me.
It’s about putting your trust on me.

Don’t be afraid.

You know I never break the promises that I made for you.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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2 comments

  1. A Single Rose · January 29, 2016

    Happy Birthday my friend! 🙂

    Like

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