“Why hurt someone whose only intention was to love you?”
I just read that quote minutes ago.
And, as always, it reminds me of her.
Well, everything reminds me of her these days.
Hours ago I was just arrived.
Here, at her hometown.
And I was just arrived at my cousin’s house.
I was sitting on a sofa, looking around the house, and thought to myself:
“Well, new job, new city. Time to make some noise at my workplace.”
“Huh. It’s funny, last time I went here I was on vacation.”
“And before that, before that… Before that I was supposed to meet her, but she chose another guy.”
“She went out with another guy. She was lying to me about not be able to go out and meet me.”
And I laughed at myself for stupidly reminiscing the stupid past.
Right now, she feels so close yet so far.
I’m in her hometown, and if she allows me, I would just jump right out of my seat now and run to her place. I would spend my entire night and tomorrow morning just to talk to her.
But she just doesn’t want to talk to me.
Like I said, she ignored me since a week ago.
And it hurts.
So why does she hurt someone whose only intention was to love her?
When I think about it, it’s not that simple.
Yes, I do, love her. With all my heart. She knows that very, very well.
And I do want to love her. I want to make her the happiest girl in the world.
But on the other hand, I also want her to love me back like she did before that happened.
Love is selfish, just like what Dante Alighieri said :
“Love insists the loved loves back.”
It’s not wrong, but it’s not entirely right, too.
It’s true that we would be deeply saddened if someone that we love does not love us back.
But love does not always insists the loved loves back.
Instead, love always hopes.
And right now, I sincerely hope that she would once again be able to find the Love that she has for me since years ago deep inside her heart.
But it will take some time.
With that being said, my intention was not only to love her.
But I want her to be able to love me back like before.
Which is, something that she just not able to do right now.
Yet, I still don’t understand why she completely ignores me since a week ago.
I mean, no matter how busy she is, I believe she still talks to people around her.
And yet, she just doesn’t want to spare 15 seconds a day from 86400 seconds just to wish me a good day.
And, again, yes, it hurts.
At time like this, when I just don’t do anything, I always wonder about what happened to her.
I accepted on what happened to her.
I said to myself hundreds of times that it was necessary for her to eradicate untrustworthy people from her life once and for all, so she could finally see the true colors of the people around her, including me.
I believe it hurts like hell for her, betrayed by her most trusted friend, and they acted like they were the one who was bleeding, stabbed by her, like it was all because of her wrongdoings.
But it was a blessing, for she finally NOT surrounded by people that love to make dramas.
Yet I keep asking myself the same question every single day:
“What’s in it for me?”
Because everything seems to work out for her.
I figured out almost all of the positive side from what happened to her.
And yet, the impact made her deeply shaken.
And unable to trust and feel the love for me ever since she’s betrayed.
So it seems like I got all the bad, bad things.
Oh, don’t worry, I’m laughing at how confusing all of this right now.
I remember what she said to me:
“Look at what those people has become. They tasted their own medicine. It is all just the result of my patience. Like I said, I have unlimited patience in facing things like this.”
Patience is something I am trying to build.
You could say it’s under construction deep inside my heart.
Perhaps.. Because love would not be perfect without patience.
And the universe is trying to polish the love that I have for her to perfection.
About patience, I suddenly remember a quote, I believe it’s from a movie:
“Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”
So what I get from that is, God does not magically turn someone into what they wished for.
God gives them chance to be one.
Well, I do ask for patience from Him every single day.
And, perhaps, that’s why, it feels like my patience is being tested every single day.
Not only that, I also ask Him for her to be able to find her love and trust for me deep inside her heart.
Now I wonder, does God gives him the opportunity to find it every single day?
Perhaps, but only she truly knows.
Tomorrow is the most biggest day in this year for me.
But I think I will treat it as another ordinary and normal day.
Although, if miracles could happen, it would be better if it happens tomorrow.
And if it doesn’t happen, well, I know I would be saddened, but whatever.
Even miracles take a little time.
Am I supposed to be patient here?
Honestly, I don’t really understand why you are ignoring me.
You talked to me a week ago like it was nothing.
And for a week after that you completely ignores me, until this very second.
What happened? What changed?
I don’t understand, and it hurts me a lot.
But, well, I keep thinking that there must be something happened.
I don’t know, perhaps by talking to me the flashbacks about what happened to you keep coming?
Perhaps you need some space from me?
Whatever it is, Love, I actually am trying to understand your attitude towards me.
Because, I believe, when someone hurts you, they must have their own reasons.
And instead of hurting them back, it’s better to understand why they hurt me.
And for you, I guess, you just can’t talk to me for whatever reason it is.
I don’t know, Love.
I really want to talk to you, or at least hear something from you.
I want us to talk about your last exam, about your day, about whatever.
That’s that, I don’t want anything else at the moment.
Won’t you talk to me like what you did a week ago?
At least tell me what’s changed.
Being ignored by someone that I love the most without knowing why is the worst torture ever.
Ask yourself, wouldn’t you be wondering day and night if someone ignores you for no reason?
Or for some reason that you yourself don’t even know?
And, like I said in the letter I wrote for you this morning,
I keep wondering on what the universe has in store for me.
I just re-read Oscar Wilde book when I was in plane,
And I found this quote again :
“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise”
And I found myself asking, what’s the actual blessing for me?
For you, yes, both of us could see it clearly.
But for me, I don;t know, all I got from what happened to you is just.. The shattered version of you that just can’t trust me anymore because of what those people did to you.
You could say I fail to see the good of what happened to you in me.
I don’t know, Love. Honestly, what do you think?
Do you think what happened to you brought any good for me?
Because even though I accepted on what happened to you, I just keep wondering what’s in it for me.
I keep wondering if there would be anything good for me that comes out of what happened to you.
And it keeps bugging me, night and day.
Putting those aside, I know you will be having your next final exam a day after tomorrow.
I know you will give it your best.
You’ve promised yourself to pass the subject.
Like I said yesterday, promises are promises, they are weapons.
And they are made to be kept, not to be broken.
One more thing, I won’t get bored reminding you this:
Always remember that I will always be there for you.
If you need help with your study, with your exam materials, I’ll be there.
I promised you, right? I promised you that I will always be there for you.