26-01-2016.

13:41
 

“Go for the jugular.
If something scary comes up, go for it. That’s where the energy is.
Otherwise, you’ll spend all your time writing around whatever makes you nervous.
It will probably be abstract, bland writing because you’re avoiding the truth.”

 
I just read that quote about writing.
It’s from a book “Wild Mind, Living the Writer’s Life” by Natalie Goldberg.
And, you know, this quote kind of hit me.
Lately, I avoid writing my rants and just say it straight to her.
Whenever I see that some of my paragraphs feel so.. Naked, or raw, I changed it.

I mean, I do pour out all my thoughts and feelings in my posts.
But I polished my style and my words so the writing would look less raw.
Well, it’s been quite some times since I blindly put my raw feelings to my writings.
Because I thought writings are like gems.
Raw with thoughts and feelings, they are not really that attractive.
Beautiful and inspiring, but not attractive.
They need to be polished so that people would find my writings.. Let’s say readable.

But I forgot that in the process of polishing gems, some part of those gems are lost.
And perhaps, I am just a novice in polishing my gems that I often lost many parts of those gems.
And I also remember what Ernest Hemingway said :
 

“Write hard and clear about what hurts.
Don’t avoid it. It has all the energy.
Don’t worry, no one ever died of it.
You might cry or laugh, but not die.”

 
Hemingway was the master of writing out his pain.
And, uh, Drinking out his pain.
And also.. Shooting out his pain.
That last one was kind of fucked up, but whatever.
Because he did blow his own brains out with a shotgun.
Let’s just say, Hemingway was the master of pain.

The point is,

Lately I have been avoiding pain.
The pain of missing her.
The pain of seeing her struggling.
The pain of thinking on what she has been through.
The pain of being ignored.
The pain from love cravings.

Maybe that’s why lately I often pour out my feelings directly to her.
Even though she mostly ignored me and all.
Because she is the ONLY one that I could trust to share my writings.
She is the ONLY one that can help me to write through my pain.
I should do less polishing with my writings.
And once again let my feelings shine through my writing.
Once again writing through pain.

Although, I admit, it really is not easy to do it.
I could understand why she forgot her words.
Because, when we write through pain, we often afraid to dig deeper.
We often afraid to face our own pain.
That applies to me, too.
I often find myself rushing to details.
To the point of what makes me sad instead of explaining on how it really feels.

I looked at my second poem.
Titled: “Denial, Despair, and Hope”.
It was VERY long, VERY emotional, and just.. Insane.
I could say it was the most emotional poem I have ever written.
I rhymed it by myself, using my own rhyme scheme:

AA BBCC DEDE FGFG HIHI JJ – KLLK MNOONM PQRRQP STUUTS VWWV

And the second most emotional poem I have ever written might be..
The one where I wrote it just after I found out that she lied to me.
Titled: “Lies.”
With every first alphabet on every lines combined to the sentence “Lies Are Lies”.
And with, again, my own rhyme scheme:

AABB CCC DDEE

The feeling was so heartbreaking, I channeled all my sadness there.
One random person said that it was like he was seeing an imaginative souls.
I guess when we write with our raw feelings without thinking of polishing it,
The writing will look even more beautiful than the ones that has polished.

Okay, enough with discussing my own poems.

I remember things about her lost of words.
That she lost all her words, and just barely found it last week.
Like I said in my previous posts, she modified a song to match her feelings.
And she wrote a poem in my native language about what happened to her.
Although I didn’t really get the meaning, and she didn’t even tell me.
But she tried to channel her pain to her words.
And I was super happy. She addressed her feelings.

We should sometimes try to write about our pain and losses.
Maybe we sometimes avoid it, we are afraid that our feelings might resurface.
We afraid that those feelings would once again make us go batshit insane.
But if you do feel like that, I suggest you do it right now.
Write all your feelings.
Not in poems, no. It doesn’t even have to be poetic and all.

Do a freewriting.

Just, write anything.
It’s your writing. It can say whatever you want it to say as long as you write it from your heart.
Write about your pain, about what hurts.
Write about what you are afraid of.
Write about your regrets.
Do NOT stop. Dig deep inside your heart and push through the pain.
It doesn’t even have to make sense!
All you need to do is just write.

The only downside is that freewriting is USUALLY private.
But if you are fortunate to have someone to trust to, show them your writings.
Let them give you their honest feedback.
Just like she gave me her modified songs and poems,
And like me; I usually give her my honest writings directly.
But she don’t usually give feedback; most of the time, she completely ignores me.

But you will be amazed on what you just wrote freely.
What’s more, it will help you releasing your feelings.
It will help you feel better and all.
Perhaps that’s why there’s something called healing through writing.
Speaking of freewriting, I remember she wrote me a letter at our first anniversary.
I asked her about it after I, well, cried happily reading what she wrote for me:

“How can you wrote all of this?”
“This is just.. Beautiful.”
“Where did the words come from?”

“I don’t know, Love.”
“I didn’t even think when I write it.”
“I just poured out all my feelings.”
“I was writing without thinking!”

I wish she would be able to do that again.
Just, to freewrite, to pour out all her feelings in her writing.
I don’t know it’s because she’s busy or she’s afraid to publicize her writings,
But she didn’t even published her last poem that she showed me.
Well, I believe she has her own reasons.

And speaking of, uh, writing things,
I believe she is having an exam right now.
Looking from the subjects, I guess she will need to write essays about theories.
Definitely not from her feelings, tho. From her point of view and understanding, of course.

I prayed for her this morning.
And I hope she would be able to ace today’s exam.

……

Dear Love,

I’m crossing my fingers for you.
I know the exams are very, very important for you.
I believe you will give it your best!

About writing things from heart, I remember the things I wrote for you.
The one I gave you for your birthday.
Like I said, it was the first time I actually write something for someone.
I didn’t even know I could write THAT many.

But you have to know, that in every single paper that I folded for you,
It contains my feelings for you.
Whatever it was that I wrote in each of those colored folded paper,
It really is what I felt when I wrote it.

Without realizing it, your Love, our Love, has taught me to write.
To write things sincerely from my heart.
I guess.. Your ability to write things has passed to me along with your Love.

Love, always remember that I will always be there for you.
Whenever you want to talk about things, whenever you want me to help you.

With your exam materials, with your study, with debating theories, maybe if you want to talk to me about how do you feel, or random things such as how REALLY cool it is that you are able to eat 20 adult servings of pizza all by your own (Honestly this one really is mind-blowingly unbelievable).

I may not always be there WITH you.
But I promise I will always be there FOR you.

Always.
 
Love,
Yours.

 


rumi

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