24-01-2016. [2]

23:37

Story time.
My cousin told this to me yesterday.
It started as a random dinner conversation.
She then proceed to said things about her past breakups.
About guys that broke her heart.

Let me just write my conversation with her:

“What’s the story with the guy?”

“Oh it’s.. When I was in my first year of high school.”
“There is this one guy, that I really like.”
“He’s just awesome.”
“You could say it was the first time I really loved someone that much.”
“But I was a fool. A complete fool.”
“He.. Hurt me approximately 8 times.”

“You counted it?”
“And yet you stayed?”

“I can’t helped it! I was young, and – and stupid!”
“I know I was being foolish.”
“I let him hurt me over and over and over again.”
“He went out with another girls and flirting with them.”
“And he didn’t even try to hide it from me.”

“What an asshole.”

“But then something happened.”
“Something that.. Makes me believe in the power of words.”

“Power of words?”
“You said something to him?”

“Yes.”
“No. It was more like.. I cursed him.”
“It was the 8th time he hurt me, as usual, she flirt with another girl.”
“And both of them even said that they should go somewhere together sometimes.”
“I was angry. Totally angry. Hulk.”

“Green?”

“Red.”
“And I let my rage control me.”
“Controlled by rage, I said something to him that I shouldn’t have said:”
“‘You hurt me even though I loved you so much. Fine. We are done. But do NOT ever think you will get another girlfriend. NO. NOT before I got married.'”
“My words were fueled by anger.”
“And yet.. Until this day, the guy has tried to get a girlfriend so many times.”

“He told you on what happened to him?”

“Yes.”
“He messaged me, he was saying sorry and all for what he has done to me.”
“He messaged me few times past 2-3 years.”
“He said since that day, there is not a single girl that would want to get close to him, or even go out and flirt and all with him. He even still remember what I said to him exactly each word!”
“And then he begged me to lift the curse.”
“It’s been 6 years.”
“I didn’t even think that it was a curse! I was angry, I spoke without thinking!
“Ever since I know what I’ve done to him, I really am scared to say something without thinking it first.”
“Words.. Really have power, yes?”

“…. Yeah, they do.”
“I got a story related to that.”
“When my mother was pregnant with my little brother, she didn’t have food cravings. Not at all.”
“And then my sister asked her: ‘mom, aren’t you supposed to have food cravings?'”
“My mom answered with a laugh: ‘no, strangely not. Perhaps you took it. Why don’t you be the one who’s having food cravings?'”
“And guess what happened after that.”

“Your sister got it?”

“She ate the same goddamn food 7 to 9 times a day.”
“And sometimes at night shes having a different kind of food craving.”
“Mostly avocados. But she would eat another thing, too.”
“The strange thing is, my sister didn’t really get fat.”
“You see? My mother didn’t really mean it. She was just joking.”
“But she was saying it.. I don’t know, wholeheartedly?”
“She was happy with her pregnancy, and so she said it from her feelings.”
“And so were you. You said it with your anger.”
“And look what happened.”

“… Scary.”
“No, no, no. I don’t want to say anything stupid without thinking it first next time.”
“Words have power.”
“No, words ARE power.”

“Yep.”
“Written or spoken, all words have power.”
“Especially when you say it out of your feelings.”
“Thanks for reminding me to be careful with my words.”

So, there you go.
I remember I wrote that words have power.
Written, or spoken.
It was a true story; I didn’t made it up.
I guess from my story and my cousin’s story, we all could agree about it.
That words, really have power.

I guess that’s why I write.

I want to channel my love into my writings.
Especially my poems.
I want to put all my feelings into what I write.
I want her to feel my love, my sadness, my yearning, all my feelings;
Just from my writings.

And I hope, she could feel what I feel.

……

Dear Love,

Scary, isn’t it?
When I was talking to my cousin, I instantly remembered you.
You, and our conversation:

“I don’t care with waiting as long as we will be together again in the end.”
“A year, two years, I don’t care.”
“Waiting for two more years for you isn’t really a bad thing after all.”

“No, Love. Not two years.”
“Another six years!”

“Not six years.. Make it two.”

“Nope. No.”
“Six!”

And look what happened.
I don’t know, I guess, what we said really had an impact to us.
Words have power, remember?
And you said six years.
Six bloody years.

Knock on something.
Now. Please.
Three times.

I don’t know if what we said is true and will actually happen.
But I just hope I don’t have to wait for another 6 years for you to be able to trust me.
If you think about it, six years is just absurd.
Knock again. Three times.

I don’t know, Love.
I’m compromising with time.
I’m making it my best friend.
So I could be patient and all in dealing on what we are currently dealing with.

One more thing,
I know you will be having your final exam soon.
Now don’t be afraid of me.
I know last time we talked, I asked for Skype and you didn’t want to.
And I got flashbacks afterwards.

Love, I’m practicing a thing called ‘pause’ right now.

Whenever my feelings or thoughts get the best of me and starts to drive me insane,
I pause.
I let the thought or the feeling pass.
So I won’t act according to my insane brain or my crazy heart.

I promise you I won’t get flustered and having another flashback in front of you.
Like, directly sending messages to you. No, not anymore.
I’ll pause myself.
I promise.

So please, don’t be afraid of me.
Let me help you. I know you will need help in studying the exam material.
It’s almost a week since the last time you talk.
Which means you’ve ignored me for almost a week.

Love, there’s nothing more happier for me than seeing you passing your exams.
Let me help you with whatever it is you are doing.
When I help you with your assignments last time, it went pretty well, right?

Always remember, I will always be there for you.
Whenever you want to talk to me about anything.
Assignments, works, random things, whatever it is.
I WILL be there for you.

Always.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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