A person I’ve known for few years said this yesterday:
“Someone really loves you? Never looks at anyone else? Shows who they really are?”
“You might call it illusion.”
But I could saw that he became so cynical towards love.
And it reminds me of her.
I still remember the time when she said that loving relationship does not exist.
It was the moment where I understand that she’s been struck by trauma
And blinded by cynicism towards love.
Let me wrote the rest of the conversation:
“What do you mean it’s an illusion? Mate, you’re being cynical. You’re talking nonsense.”
“No, I’m talking the truth. No one will ever do those three things to anyone. One or two of those, yes, might be. But all three of them? No. No one will.”
“Well shit, not even yourself?”
I waited for awhile.
But he did not reply.
“Instead of talking about the possibility of people doing those three things, why don’t you do those three things instead? Fine, you might say that no one is going to do those three things, but you could do it, couldn’t you?”
“You could really love someone. You could be loyal and never look left and right while having someone. And you could show someone that you really love who you really are.”
“Am I right?”
“But I could. I goddamn could.”
“I put all my heart out to love her. I NEVER looked at the possibility of being with anyone else until this very second. And I showed her who I really am.”
“Goddamnit, mate. You are just so wrong on so, so many levels.”
“Dude, yes, okay, whatever. I stand corrected.”
“Most people won’t do those things, tho.”
“Jesus, nerd. Do you have to prove your point whenever you don’t agree with something?”
“I could agree to disagree.”
“Do you really think it would be worth it?”
“By doing all of those three things, you do know that you set yourself to look weak in front of people that you really love, right?”
“And when you are weak, people will use you. Like I said, they will use your kindness.”
“But what’s the essence of loving someone if you don’t put your whole heart to display?”
“When you love, you trust. If you don’t trust them, you can’t love them.”
“I already know someone that lost all of her trust in just one day.”
“And in just that one day, she lost her sense to love someone.”
“But the point is, I will take the risk. I am putting all my love and trust towards her.”
“It’s always up to us to choose who we trust, mate.”
“Let them prove to us whether trusting them is a mistake or not.”
“Yes. I don’t know.”
“Wtf? Now you are being vague.”
“Not important. Shut up.”
“Just don’t let people use you because of stupid reasons, like, you willingly open your heart to wrong people, and they used your weakness to manipulate you.”
“Take a good look on the person you are dealing with.”
“Is she a nice girl?”
“No. She likes bitter things.”
“Even more vague.”
“Yes, mate. Fucking yes. I love her.”
“I don’t love someone easily without thoroughly taking a good look at their naked soul.”
“What you said sounds like a cheap porn movie title.”
“That’s for correcting me on what I said.”
Generally, this guy is an easygoing and just stupid.
But he’s nice. Well, there are not many nice people in this world.
At least not anymore, according to me, of course.
I told her about this conversation yesterday.
Not all of them, on just what he said and what I responded.
And as expected, she read them and didn’t reply. She ignored me.
But I just met someone that is actually being cynical towards love other than her.
I never thought that he would be cynical towards love.
I guess that’s people. You can’t really say who they really are from the outside.
I actually was kind of mad when he said his first few sentences.
Because it was nonsense.
It was a thought that came from distrust towards others.
I could even sense his lack of faith or hope towards people.
I guess people these days just love to brag.
About distrust to things, about breaking people’s heart, about people’s weakness, about people’s flaws and imperfections, about almost anything bad about other people.
Perhaps by posting it as status on social medias like it’s a goddamn achievement.
Yes, that includes me back then.
But as for now, I’m not using my social media other than posting things related to books.
I hope that finally puts me out of the equation.
Do you still remember the tattoo that I have on my back?
The one that I showed you before I took a shower?
What does it says?
That’s actually the reason why I said I never want to judge people.
When they are being cynical or bitter, there must be something behind it.
There must be something happened with their past that changed them.
That goes for me, since I am the one who actually have the tattoo.
Back then, I almost had enough of people asking me things like,
“Why are you generally rude towards people?”
“Can’t you smile just a little bit?”
“Why don’t you do this? Why don’t you do that?”
And other oh-I-want-to-know questions that always annoy me.
The point is,
Yes, we won’t understand other people’s feeling until it happens to us.
We don’t have the right to judge people based on what they do and what they look like.
That also applied to us.
You don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to be judged. We all don’t.
But, if there’s one thing that I learned, it’s..
Whenever people asked you something over and over again (of course this means that different people asking you the same thing, I didn’t mean it was a same person asking you same question) there must be something wrong with you, or people around you.
Love, people are generally curious.
Over-curious people (like me) tend to stay away from people,
because most people will say that they are goddamn annoying.
Which is what I am doing most of the time.
And, most of the time, people only ask us NOT because they care.
But just because they want to know; and that’s that.
What am I pointing at here is not stupid ordinary questions like,
“Why are you studying ABCDE?”
“Why do you love to read books?”
“Why do you write so much?”
But questions related to whatever it is that is happening to us.
For me, those questions were:
“Why are you always being generally rude towards people that you’ve just met?”
“Why do you always show your resting bitch face whenever you’re being silent?”
The answer was.. To make people stay away from me.
I don’t want to get too close to them for a reason.
For you, those questions might be:
“Why are you being so cynical towards love and relationship?”
You and I – both of us – know the answer.
I realized that it was not the best way to do something that I want.
I want to keep my distance towards people because I was afraid to let people into my life.
But definitely not by being a grumpy, ass-faced man.
Although, as you can see, I still have my resting bitch face.
But now with a slight smile, and I stopped being generally rude to people since almost a year ago.
I know you might realize that being mistrustful and cynical towards love and thinking negative things about close relationship is a wrong thing to do.
Especially with what happened to you, I know you’ve shattered to pieces.
But, Love, looking at what I was a year ago, and looking at me right now,
Looking at how long it takes for me to change and heal myself without help,
I know the answer on how to change all the things that we just want to get rid of.
And, uh, I hate the answer:
There we go, Love. Back again at this thing called Time.
People said time heals what reason cannot.
I guess it’s just true.
Love, all of this post was NOT intended to change you or anything.
Does NOT mean that I will love you more if you changed into someone else.
I love you for EXACTLY what you are.
Your good mood, your bad mood, your flaws, your imperfections, your ability to MAGICALLY eat 10 times your body size, the moment when you’re pretty, when you’re ugly, what have you.
Just like what J. K. Simmons said in the movie Juno :
With all your stupid things, I WILL still think the sun shines out of your ass.
I love you!
Billions of hugs and kisses,