21-01-2016.

22:57

Time flies.

Exactly 6 days from now, I will move to her hometown.
I actually am quite excited about my new job.
Well, it’s a fresh start in a new place.

And honestly? I got a pretty good feeling about me and her.
I know the things about me moving and about her is not really connected.
But I got this hunch.
A feeling of positivity in my gut.
Someone said to me years ago that I have to always trust my gut.
So I will.

On the other hand, she ignored me yet again.

Two days ago, when I was having flashbacks, I rant a bit to her.
I told her that I understand that I MIGHT NOT be a priority anymore for her.
I told her that I don’t know if it’s because her inability to fully trust people, or maybe because there’s still some fear lingering inside her that she doesn’t want to get too close to me.
I told her it was necessary for her, I understand.
But sometimes my heart screamed louder than my brain.
And flashbacks, is just undeniable.

I feel bad.
It’s like I’m forcing her to do things that she doesn’t want to do yet again.

I remember when she once mad at me months ago.
It took her almost 3 days just to be able to talk to me again.
I know she’s not busy. But she’s just ignoring me because of what happened two days ago.
And.. Well, honestly it hurts a little bit, but I understand her.
That time, months ago, when she was mad at me, I asked her:

“So what should I do? Do tell me, Love. Why don’t you talk to me?”

And she answered with:

“Just let me calm down. Give me space. I’ll be okay in days.”

Days.
Yeah, that was a wow.
Because for me, for what I did, few days are quite long for such a silent treatment.
It’s like, her ability to fully recover from something is very, very, very slow.
Yesterday, after I finished the third sonnet, I apologized to her.
But of course, she just read my message and didn’t even say a word.

Yep, that’s just her.

Compared to other people, she’s bad at dealing with emotions.
Oh she could carry on with her things, even with problems and emotions weighing her little shoulders. But she’s not good at addressing them and/or dealing with them.
On the other hand, I’m good at addressing and dealing with my emotions.
There will be a spark of flustered side from me, like what I said to her two days ago, but I’m still good at dealing with my emotions. I’m good at addressing them and how to channel them out.
But I’m not good with carrying weight of my emotions on my shoulders.
In short, well, we complete each other.

I remember that I always tried to help her address her emotions.
But of course, with her being her, she really is having a difficulty speaking up on what she really feels inside; she always bottling her emotions deep inside her heart.
And I remember she always give me courage and assurance.
When me and her were hitting an obstacle, she was always the one who say nice things to me, she was always the one who get up first and assured me that I still have her, that we are still actually together.
That we were two people holding hands together into the future. Not one.

I guess that explains about the state of my heart.
On why I said I have one hell of a heavy heart; way heavier than hers.

You see, it really is.. Strange.
On how perfect we complete each other.
We always tried to emphasize things that we lack on each other.
Whenever I’m down and can’t seem to go on, she assured me that I still have her.
Whenever she’s in doubt and can’t seem to know what to do, I give her advice and try to think on what she should do and that what she was doubting at was actually right.
It’s like we are trying to fill each other’s gap.
Because what we have, is almost EXACTLY on what each other is missing.

But looking at her, I think she’s almost always afraid to open herself up completely.

I remember the time when we were staying up so late until 3:30 AM.
We were talking in bed. About numerous things.
And.. Well, I would say it was the first time we opened to each other completely.
We talked about a LOT of things.
Families, secrets, personalities, love, past things, everything.
And it was AWESOME.
It was as if we were letting each other to go deeper into each other’s life.
Yet, on another occasion, there were times where she just doesn’t want to tell whatever it was that she was feeling and/or thinking.

And, personally, like I said above,
I think she is just almost always afraid to say things that she’s afraid of.

I don’t know, it’s just my speculation.
But assuming from what I observed, she actually is,
afraid of saying things that she’s afraid of.
I remember that she was mad at me because I forced her to answer this question :

“Why you don’t want to give me your complete address? You know I went there already. I know your address, but not your complete address. So why? It’s just an address. I want to give you something.”

She finally told me the reason why.
Only to be mad at me afterwards.
She said she was shocked because I forced her to say things that she didn’t want to say.
She said she’s just afraid of people giving knowing her address and giving her things without her knowing. Well, I did tell her that I won’t send her something without her permission.
But like I said, she just didn’t want to tell me.
So yeah, that’s why I said she’s afraid to say things that she’s afraid of.
And in this case, right now, it’s her… Ability to trust people.

Well, well.
It was as if she’s afraid to say things that she hate.
She was afraid to show things that she’s ashamed of.

But that’s human.
Very human.
We are all unique in our own ways.
And maybe, maybe it’s just one of her flaws; her imperfection.
Heck, I’m smiling thinking of what she is.
No, it’s not because her flaws are funny.
Not because her imperfections are stupid and all, no.

It’s because.. The woman that I so dearly Love is just.. Awesome in her own way.

Knowing her flaws and her imperfections, I could still smiling and love her THIS much.
She’s unique. She’s limited edition.
Out of 7.2 billion people, there’s only one HER in this world.
This might sounds stupid, but thinking about her imperfections really makes me love her more.

I guess, when we love someone dearly, we do accept their imperfections as their perfections.

And of course, I do, love her.

With all her perfect flaws.
With all her perfect imperfections.

……

Dear Love,

I’m sorry.

I know I’ve said to you yesterday, but I need to say it again.
I’m sorry I forced you and rant at you for things that is basically not even your fault.
It was not your fault that those people betrayed you, I know.
It was not your fault that they made you filled with mistrustful feelings and all towards me.
Again, I’m sorry.

I know you might be mad at me.
That’s why you ignored my messages.
You didn’t even reply the one that I sent you minutes ago.
But it’s okay. It’s understandable.
It will take you longer than just mere 3 days to be able to talk to me again for what I did.

I don’t know how to be patient, honestly.
Whenever I get flustered, my emotions always get ahead of me.
They always take over my brain and start doing stupid things.
Like the one I did to you few days ago.
Again, I’m sorry, Love.
I’m still in process of building patience.
I got better and better, but it’s not something that can be built instantly.
Especially when I started from little to no patience.

On the other hand, I know you have unlimited patience.
Would you be so kind to share me some?

Love, I don’t know if what I wrote is true.
I don’t know if you really are afraid to say things that you are afraid of.
Maybe you do, maybe you don’t.
Only you know the answer.

But let me tell you.
Don’t be afraid to show me things that you afraid of.
Show me ALL the parts of you that you hate.
Show me ALL the parts of you that you are ashamed of.

And I will show you a reflection so beautiful, that even you, yourself will fall in Love.

I love your flaws and imperfections.
For me, those things are perfect.
Because they are you. They are part of you.
If any, those things only make me love you more and more!

Because all I want, and all I love is you.

You.

It will always be you.
If i had the choice between you and a million things I have always wanted,
I would choose you every single time.

Always.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


love-quote-just-want-you

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