I was staring at the blank editor for more than an hour.
It’s not that I don’t have anything to write about.
I do, I always do.
I was just thinking on how should I write this thing.
Yesterday, she was reading some theory.
It was something related to Sociology of Space.
And she was.. Confused.
Well, I don’t blame her, the topic was kind of heavy.
I spent almost two hours just for reading 13 pages of theory.
I took my time to munch all the contents.
She said to me,
“I just don’t understand about this anymore. Can I give up?”
I said no.
Why the heck would I say yes?
Just one more step, and her study will be done once and for all.
I don’t know, it feels like it’s so easy for her to say give up.
This is the thing that I was contemplating about.
About giving up.
I don’t know about you lot, or about her.
But personally, the word “giving up” itself is forbidden for me.
I already knew how it feels like to have the biggest regret ever in my life.
That’s why, I will go as far as possible before giving up.
No, I just don’t want to give up on things that I really love.
So why there are some people that feels like giving up on things that they love?
When we face difficulties, there will be some emotions coming inside us.
And those emotions will try to take control over us.
Those emotions will create an illusion for us.
They will speak to us to not to do something to avoid bad things happening to us.
But one thing’s for sure, those emotions are goddamn lying.
Okay, those emotions might appear as if they are trying to protect us.
But if we look closely, those emotions aren’t helping us with anything.
All they do is just trying to pull us out from our difficult situation.
They just don’t want us to suffer any longer.
And those emotions, they are, in fact, making us unable to rationalize the possibilities of goodness in the future. Again, all they do is making us want to leave from our situation.
They don’t even care about what is going to happen in the future.
They only care about what is going on right now.
Let’s take an example of her position towards me.
“My most trusted people are stabbing me in the back.”
“Trusting is so bad for you. Perhaps you should stop trusting anyone. No one can be trusted. You trusted those people and they stabbed you in the back anyway. So why trust anyone? Trust no one and you’ll feel better. You’ll be good.”
“That is true. Let’s not trust him. He might stab me in the back later. I’m better off alone. I’m going to give up. I’m going to stop thinking about close relationship for now.”
Perhaps that’s what her emotion was saying.
I don’t know, she’s deeply shaken. That’s that.
What happened to her really made her unable to think straight.
But that’s what people usually deal with their emotions.
Some people are just better at dealing with bad emotions.
And some aren’t.
Well, in another dimension, where the emotions is more kind, they would probably say this:
“My most trusted people are stabbing me in the back.”
“That is right. But don’t let that discourage you to trust anyone else. You still have him. You can trust him. He doesn’t have anything to do with what happened to you. Cherish what you have. You still have one people that can be trusted in your life. Lean on him!”
“You are right. I can do this. I will be fine. I still have him.”
Unfortunately, we live in the more difficult dimension.
Where all our emotions can do when we are in difficult situation are just trying to pull us from the situation instead of assuring us with positive things that everything is going to be alright.
I don’t know about her right now.
She is able to talk to me again.
But I don’t think she would want to fully trust me.
And maybe she still think that loving relationship does not exist.
Honestly? I don’t know what is happening in her head right now.
Ugh. I wish she would be able to talk about deeper things to me once again without fear.
Although.. Yeah, I need to be patient.
But I wonder, what would happen if the her emotions didn’t shake her?
What would happen if she didn’t give up on our relationship ?
Good thing that you didn’t give up on that essay.
If you did, I’m pretty sure you’ll regret it now.
You still got coupld exams waiting.
Don’t be happy just yet. Final battle is coming.
The flashbacks came back today.
That time when you said you just can’t trust me after what happened.
That time when you said you just don’t believe in loving relationship although you clearly see that what we have is a really, really sweet and wonderful relationship.
And once again I found myself questioning why did that happened to me.
I didn’t want to be patient.
I want you to be able to trust and love me once again right now.
Right this time.
Because it’s just doesn’t makes sense.
Why did it have to happen to me?
I just want to love you. That’s all.
But what happened to you made you unable to stay in relationship.
But those thoughts were gone the time we were talking through messages hours ago.
Only to came back after.
That’s why I asked you if we could talk directly on Skype.
And you, again, said no.
Love, why being patient is just so hard?
How in the world are you able to wait for something that you really want?
How am I supposed to make friends with time so you’ll be able to see flowers as flowers and not knives?
Do tell me, Love.
Please, I beg you to teach me how.
Because right now, I miss you.
I miss that sleepy silly look on your face when you wake up.
I miss the smile that follows when I kiss you right in your forehead.
And I don’t want to give up.
Oh no I won’t.
I promised you.
All I ask from you is just to believe in us.
Believe that we could go and rise together.
Put your trust in me.