15-01-2016.

23:11

I finally landed one hell of a great job.

I was happy. Super happy.
I immediately told her that I got accepted.
And she said,

“Whoo! Great! You deserved it! Good luck! Enjoy your time!”

And that response added my happiness.
I was happy, happy because this is one step ahead to my future.
And because I am about to move to her hometown.
The latter was kind of weird of a reason, I know.
But I don’t care, I was happy!

And then, an hour later, I heard a particular song in a random playlist in YouTube.
You know, this feels like the same on what happened to her.
Few days ago, when she was reading my post, she was also listening to a certain song.
And that event made her modified a song according to what she was feeling.

It was a breakthrough for her.
I was actually happy that what I wrote can help her to address her feelings.
Because since the day that happened, she lost her words.
She forgot how to transform her pain into words.

I know it meant that she was deeply shaken.
Very, very deeply shaken.
Because, for a person like her, that has been writing, that has been breathing life to words since she was in elementary, to suddenly lost all her words and stopped writing, is not something that can be taken lightly.

It indicates that she has gone through something else.
And she needs time to find her words once again.
That’s why I was happy to see her modifying a song.
It was a step.
Baby step, perhaps, with those two little feet of hers.
But it was still a step.

Back to me, like I said, I heard a particular song.
I forgot the song title, but these words just stuck in my head since hours ago:

“If I got locked away, and we lost it all today, tell me honestly,
Would you still love me the same?
If I showed you my flaws, if I couldn’t be strong, tell me honestly,
Would you still love me the same?”

When I heard the first “Would you still love me the same?”, I was frozen in place.
I stopped writing in my book.
It was as if my heart wanted to question those questions to her directly.
And at the same time, it was as if she asked me those questions to me by herself.

Before I continue, I just wanted to say, I recently took another personality test.
Twice. Once yesterday, and once two weeks ago.
And the result was kind of surprising.

I am still an INFP, but:

My (I) Introversion went up FROM 61% TO 93%.
My (N) Intuitive went up FROM 34% TO 82%.
My (F) Feeling went up FROM 80% TO 99%.
My (P) Perceiving went up FROM 43% TO 64%.

Looks like I have become one hell of a true INFP.
I don’t know, people said that If someone is undergoing great stress, their personality can either changed, or amplified. Seems like mine was the latter.
So, why did I tell you all of this?

Because, back to the question, it seems like my heart is getting smarter and smarter on feeling everything – and by everything I mean EVERY thing – that I have deep inside my heart.
It is like, whenever my brain successfully answered ANY question, the question changed. The heart will always have another question to be questioned.
And it will continue to do so until I forcefully shut my heart off.
Not completely, tho. I could still hear my heart screaming.
But I answered all of my heart’s questions.

“If she went away for awhile, and suddenly you lost everything you have with her in a day, would you still love her just the same?”
“If she showed you her flaws, if she suddenly become weak and couldn’t be strong, couldn’t stand for herself, would you still love her the same?”

I already answered those questions since long, long time ago.
And I’m not saying it just to hang it on my lips, no.
I’ve proven it by continue to love her until this very second.
The answer for those questions?
Just the same as the post I wrote two days ago.

A billion times YES.

Speaking of post, and poems, and writings,
Right now I wish that she would once again find her words.
She’s busy, I know.
But, at least I just want her to be able to turn all her pain into words.
I just want her to pour out all her awful feelings,
feelings that is currently poisoning the core of her heart.
She might not realized it because she’s distracted by her assignments and works.

But I know that every person has their good and bad day.
And when one of her worst day comes and hits her right in the heart,
she will understand what I meant.

I know that she needs time.
When she modified that song, I knew that she is truly getting better and better.
I wish she would find her words once again.
No matter how slowly would that be.

I really want her to be able to turn her pain into words once again.

Just so she could release those toxic feelings once and for all.

……

Dear Love,

Today was a very strange day.
It seems like there are numerous signs from the universe everywhere. Especially about my job.
And remember what I told you about me and that random magazine? And just how I happened to ‘accidentally’ open the right page related to what I told you yesterday?
Related to that, I got another story for you.

I was writing on my books and listening to songs, as usual.
I was continuing to write a sonnet for you.
And suddenly, when I opened my Instagram, there’s this quote on the top of my timeline:

“Timing has a lot to do with everything. Sometimes, you aren’t ready for each other yet.”

It instantly reminded me of you.
I was like, “Wow, what the hell?”
Yeah, it was a really, really weird day.

On that quote, I’ve lost you and found you several times.
I don’t know what kind of plan does the universe have this time.
And I honestly want to know what the plan is.
I know I have to be patient, and wait for the answer.
But sometimes, like now, I just don’t understand on how universe works.

Okay, you, or people might say that the universe is unraveling and/or unfolding as it should.
And I know that both of us are heading to a better way.
But, sometimes I just hate this kind of mystery.
Questions like: Why aren’t we ready? Why did all of those things have to happen?
Were popping up few times inside my head.
Don’t worry, I just smiled at those questions.

I already taught myself on how to smile and laugh at the confusion the universe made for us.
It was a show of patience amidst the confusion we are currently having.
I said I’m turning to a better man for you. And I am.

Plus, I want to know what do you think about us.
Even though you probably just don’t want to think about close relationship for now.
Yet I always wonder, and wonder on what do you really think about us.
With a complete knowledge that I won’t be able to know what you really think about us anytime soon.
You need your time.

Time.

I began to dislike that word.
Me, you, us, people, humans, always struggling with it.
We both talked about how we wish that there are more than 24 hours a day.
And people always say that they just don’t have enough hours in a single day.
Time, for most of the time, is our enemy.

But right now, I want to believe in time.
I want it to be my best friend.
I want to believe the power it has.
I want to believe in the power of being patient.

Because I believe you will find your back way to me.
I believe that Love will ALWAYS find a way.

I know you remarked me about this, but, do have Faith.
In me, in yourself, and in us.

It will keeps us going strong every single day.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


i-just-wish-i-could-make-everything-okay-for-you-i-love-you-810006

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