14-01-2016.

10:59

Sometimes, I smiled at myself on how weak I am.

Like this morning.
I woke up, and I saw that she changed her profile picture on a certain messenger.
And that created a void at the center of my stomach.
Like it’s ready to burst out at any moment right now.

And I smiled.

No, I’m not crazy.
Wait, maybe I am, crazy in love; crazy at heart.
But my mind is totally fine.
Or at least I think so.
So, what made me smile?

It was the thought of how someone can make me feel so alive.

In every aspect.
The way she made me smile countless times.
The things that we’ve done together.
The time when I held her little body in my arms.
The way we made each other feel.
But it’s just not limited to love.

The time she made me super jealous.
The time she ignored me when she’s busy, like since yesterday.
The time she broke my heart to pieces when she lied to me.
That time when she gave me her freshly taken selfie.
This time, right now, when I miss her so badly, like always.

And just plenty of other things.

I’ve been thinking.
How can I still write things like this whenever I miss her?
Whenever I feel awful like this, I could still function well.
I could still write poems, I could still blabber about things in my post.
I could still wish her a good day, remind her not to skip her daily meals.
I could still remind her how much I love her.
Every single day.

That indicates that I have a strong mind.
She has one, too.
But because she could go on and distract herself whenever she wants to, because she can still function better than I am, because she (perhaps) doesn’t think about me every minute, doesn’t necessarily mean that she have a stronger mind.
We both have one hell of a strong mind, that is undeniable.
That’s just the reason I smiled at myself.

I was smiling at how weak and fragile my heart is.

I am going to admit, I do have one hell of a fragile and heavy heart.
It’s my trait.
It’s good that she still got things to distract herself despite what happened to her. She got her assignments and her work.
But I got none. And that made me feel everything.
Aside from the amount of our distractions, I am going to admit, again, that I have a weaker and more fragile heart than her.
Maybe that’s why I do NOT usually let myself feel things.

This might sounds stupid, but,
I am generally an ignorant person.
It’s something that I’ve learned myself to shut my heart off from people.
Just to prevent myself to NOT to get too close to people.
I don’t like to talk much to people that I’ve just met.
I would prefer to stay silent and look at them closely, observing them, and hear about what they have to say than trying to make small talks.
I would appear as if I don’t care about anything.
Me, sitting, doing nothing, reading a book perhaps, and making a resting bitch face.

But I will listen closely to what people around me say, and I will take a good hard look on what they are doing. Observing in silence is something I am specialized at.
Ignorant, but not so ignorant.
This does not apply on the internet, though.
People on the internet or social media can talk, ramble about many things as they please.
But we can’t look straight into their eyes or hear their voice.
We can’t really understand what they really feel inside.

Honestly, I don’t really know how I should react on whatever it is that is currently happening to me. I don’t know how to react on my pain, my yearning, my urge to do stupid things because I’m missing her and all.
And so I just smiled.
I smiled because, hey, at least I’m alive.
At least I could feel these things that I currently feel inside my heart.

Whenever I’m having this kind of feeling;
whenever I miss her so much, or whenever I feel my heart is brimming with the love that I have for her, I actually am grateful.
I’m grateful that I have someone that is worth missing, that is worth loving in my life.

I don’t know how she feels about me right now.
All I know that she is busy, busy busy busy, and busy.

I just wish that she would at least take a minute of her time everyday just to care about me.
Even if it’s just a little bit.

Sigh. Today is supposed to be a day of silence for me.
Usually I’ll just schedule my posts for a day like this.
Yet today I felt the need to turn on my computer and start writing my feelings out.
And here I am, slightly violating the rules of the day of silence.
On the positive side, I haven’t uttered a single word to anyone verbally today.
And I will continue to do so until midnight.
Unless there’s something unpredictable happening today.
If she suddenly wants to talk to me on Skype, well, I don’t know how to react on that.
Big chance I would just say hell goddamn yes.

Those things aside, I suddenly want to post a famous poem about life.
And I’ll describe the meaning of it.
Perhaps later tonight.

Because right now, I’m out of words to write.
All I could think about right now is just these three words; I keep repeating it again, and again, and again in my head, and there’s no way that I would fill this post only with these three words:

I miss her.

……

Dear Love,

I don’t know if having a weak and heavy heart can be called a weakness.
But if it is, please add it to the list of my weaknesses that I’ve told you yesterday.

And yes, I’m out of words to write.

I wanted to say I love you, I miss you, or I yearn / long for you.
But it feels like I always say that to you every single day.
And I’m afraid that you might get tired of it.
Especially because you’re busy, and you’re ignoring me.

I really don’t know what to say other than those words that I wrote just now and the words that I usually tell you in the messages I’ve sent to you.
Perhaps I should refrain myself from stupidly talking to you about unimportant things for awhile.
Or not. I just don’t know.

I’ll just not think about it and continue do to whatever it is I was doing towards you.
I should’ve known that overthinking kills happiness and other good things.
I’ll continue to write you second sonnet.
And just like the last time, I’ll give it to you personally first before posting it.

And one more thing, let me remind you again.
Always remember, Love. I will always be there for you.
If you want me to listen to you, if you want to talk to me about anything.
And by anything, I mean everything.
Just whatever it is that you want to talk about.

I will always be there for you.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


 
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