12-01-2016.

16:10

“It felt so strange.”

“What?”

“Her actions towards us. Didn’t you notice? Since few days ago, after she opened herself to us, she stopped ignoring us and began to talk to us. But almost all of it felt so wrong.”

“I only noticed that she finally talks to us. And that’s that. Her way of talking feels quite different, but it’s nothing strange. She was busy.”

“She still is! She keeps staying up late until early morning just to do her assignment. And it’s NOT not strange. It is strange. How the hell did you miss that?”

“… Explain?”

“Look how awkward it is when she talks daily things to us. When she opened herself, I saw the real her, and it was alright. But when she just talks about random things, we meant nothing for her. She treats us like bunch of other strangers or her internet friends. She talks to us as if we are about to do some atrocities to her. Didn’t you notice how she keeps her distance from us? She kept us just at her arm’s length. Ugh. I can’t explain it clearly. It feels so bloody wrong but I can’t really point what’s wrong. And I’m trying to figure it out.”

“Perhaps it’s just related to what happened to her. She still doesn’t want to get too close. Now when I think about it, yes, I noticed how she distracted us by talking about something else whenever we talk about certain things: whenever we offered help on her works and assignments or talked about it and whenever we tried to get closer by touching her feelings.”

“You always think this and think that. Feel! It’s just what she did. It’s as if she treated us like a complete fool. It’s as if she tried to show us her strong and proud side, as if she’s too afraid to trust us completely and show her weak side. How should I put this? God. Do you have a correct words for this?”

“Uh.. Let’s see, I guess so. Here they are: Sometimes she opens her mask, stop doing her plays and just say her real feelings, she shows her real side to us. But most of the time, she is wearing the same mask that she shows to people around her. That’s why it felt so strange and it felt like she treats us like we know nothing. She forgot that one of her audience, that is us, does NOT live in her own little scene. World is her stage, but we don’t belong in the audience’s seat. We aren’t fooled by her magic tricks on her stage. We belong on the side or back of her stage. Sadly, she just want to do her scenes alone. Perhaps if we go to her backstage, there would be no one there.”

“Oh that’s good. And you could see that she shoves us away. Not too far, tho. Like I said, just on her arm’s length. Just far enough for her to reach. Sigh. I don’t know why she does that to us. We don’t bring knives. We bring flowers. We bring love and care. But she just doesn’t let us get too close.”

“We’ve repeated that hundreds of times: it takes time. Trust is gained. Not given. Look, it’s already a feat for her that she decided to talk to us whenever she feels weak and vulnerable. What’s the deal with her wearing her mask in front of us? We could see right through her mask anyway. Give her time. She needs time to understand that she doesn’t need to always show her different and proud side to us. That she doesn’t need to always hide behind her mask and treats us just as the same as the people in her community.”

“Amazing, eh. Just amazing.”

“What now? What is?”

“On what certain people can do to a person. If those people that she once trusted didn’t betray her, do you think she’d be like this? Do you think she would be this afraid to feel her real feelings? Do you think she would lost her precious words? Do you think she would be struggling with her works and assignments? Do you think she would have that mistrustful feelings towards us? Do you think she would NOT be able to stay in a close relationship and be afraid to get too close to us? Do you think she would have that big of a thing called trust issues? NO.”

“No indeed. But if that event didn’t happen to her, she would still have those awful people around her. Yes, we would still laugh and do amazing things with her, but possibly without ever knowing those people’s true intentions and personalities until today. If you look at it from the positive side, it is quite a blessing for her. It was a needed process for her to thoroughly eradicate bad people from her life. The downside might be, her trust is completely demolished to everyone and it reset to 0. But I believe she understands well about people around her. She understand the true colors of the people around her. Including us. She has a complete knowledge about those who truly care about her, those who are just there solely whenever she is happy, and those who are just using her kindness. Now, quote me that thing from Oscar Wilde related to her condition.”

“From the Importance of Being Earnest?”

“Seems fit. Go on.”

“I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise. This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind.”

“See. Blessing! Obvious! Perhaps not for us. But what is more satisfying that seeing a person that we so, so, SO dearly love is going through her right way? That, like I said, perhaps this is the phase she needs to eliminate untrustworthy people from her life? She doesn’t have to leave those people. Those people just straightly showed their true faces. Let’s be happy for that.”

“But.. The way she talks and treats us..”

“I’m going to slap you right in the face if you don’t shut your mouth about that. GIVE. HER. TIME. She can’t just magically trust us after what happened to her. Yes, it has been months since that happened. But she still needs her time. She is making progress. By God, you just can’t be patient, now can you?”

“Patience is a virtue I’m trying to have. It’s just so hard.”

“No wonder. Do you know that the word Patience actually directly comes from Latin word patientia? It means endurance. But, the awesome part is: It also means ‘the quality of suffering‘ or something related to that.”

“So.. To be patient means to suffer?”

“Patientia est patientia. Patience means self-suffering.”

“Yeah, no wonder it’s so hard. Sigh. I miss her.”

“Who doesn’t? For now, grit your goddamn teeth and let’s just continue whatever it was we were doing. Writing. Reading. Caring for her. Understand her. Listening to her whenever she needs. And ultimately, do the one thing we really good at.”

“Loving her.”

“Madly, and deeply. Don’t put those two out of the equation.”

“I don’t feel like writing a letter for her.”

“Now that you’ve said that, you should write. A short one. Pour out all your feelings.”

“… Short, you said? Okay.”

……
……

Dear Love,

I miss you.
A little too much, a little too often, and a little more every day.

I will stop missing you when I am with you.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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