11-01-2016.

06:25

.. Another poem went to draft.
Heck, when can I finish them and finally clear my draft folder?
Probably never.
Perhaps I will always have some ideas for poems in my draft.

But this time, I stopped finishing my poem, was because of her.

She was reading my last post.
About being weak.
About being strong.
And, like I said, as expected, she got flashbacks.

But, I was actually amazed.
She changed the pain into something else.

She modified the lyrics of a certain song to suits her feeling.
What’s more, she sang it afterwards.
It took her few tries to sing the song completely because always cried when she sang the modified song. But she finished it nonetheless.
I’m going to admit, her pronunciation was slightly unclear.
Perhaps because she cried few times.

After short talks, she said to me:

“I have NEVER lost my words in my entire life. Since many, many years ago I have always been proud of my talent in words. But since that day, since that happened, I have never wrote anything. Not even a word. The point is, this stupid song is the first time ever since that happened. Even though it might sounds weird and unclear, but it’s just what I’ve felt ever since that happened.”

And she continued to tell me her story and her feelings about the betrayal.
Another moment where she opened up herself to me.
But just like the days before, after she opened up herself, she began to continue what she was doing: assignments.
I guess it’s just her thing.
I don’t know, it feels kind of.. Weird.
I even had some thoughts about it.

Maybe she just doesn’t allow herself to dwell in feelings for too long.
Maybe she just doesn’t trust me and she immediately regret her decision telling me all of those.
Maybe she just doesn’t want to get carried away because she has spent so much time modifying that song, and it was just because she has took all the time she needs to grieve.
I don’t know which one is true.
But honestly I was happy that she starts to write things about her feelings.
Even though it was just modifying a song.

It actually made me thinking :
Her storm is starting to cease.
Maybe not so soon, but it will finally cease.
The clouds will vanished.
And the sun will finally show itself.

I looked at myself.
And I thought,

“What about me?”

I don’t know about my storm.
Yes, I currently am oblivious of my storm.
It’s as if I’m inside a storm but I don’t see the rain and the clouds.

Hours ago, I was driving alone in a rain.
I was about to make a left turn when I felt a pain in the pit of my stomach.
I was confused, what the bloody hell is that pain?
Why it came so suddenly?
The pain stopped without me successfully identifying the pain.

And hours ago, when I was talking to her, the pain came back.
I immediately understand the pain.
And perhaps it’s not a storm.

It’s a yearning.

I bloody miss her.
So goddamn much.
Funny how she is talking to me but I’m missing her at the same time.
I just want to hold her in my arms right about now.

God. I just Love her so, so much.
It’s insane.

If missing her comes in waves,
I was barely keeping my head above the water.
I was almost overwhelmed by the feelings.

And the finishing touch came couple hours ago.
She sent me her freshly taken selfie.
It was as if the picture itself pushed me deeper into the water.
If missing her comes in waves, it was the biggest wave since days, or even weeks ago.

And right now I’m drowning.

……

Dear Love,

I was split in two, between asking if you can talk to me in Skype, and just keep my mouth shut and not disturbing you with whatever it was you were doing.
And as you already knew, I asked you.
Yes, I currently am missing you like crazy.
I don’t know what should I do. I just want to hear your voice to make myself alright.
But I know that’s a lie I told myself.
Because it will only make me miss you even more.
But I do want to hear your voice talking to me.
I just miss you so damn bad.

That aside, I really am proud of you for what you did.
You poured all your feelings out.
And look what happened, you felt more free and more happy afterwards.
I believe what you did made you feel way better.
If I may say, it’s another big step in your recovery.

Love, I know that it’s still hard for you to completely open up to me.
There are few things that you just can’t do with me.
Directly talking to me is one of the example.
Even the chats kind of felt quite awkward and not natural.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but that’s just what I felt.
Perhaps it’s because it felt like you treated me the same with those people in your community.
Like I.. Meant nothing to you.
Yes, I know it is probably not true; it’s just my imagination.
I don’t really know how do you treat those people in your community.
But the way you talk to me just felt kind of different.
That’s why I said it was quite awkward.

I know it takes time for you to trust me completely and be able to do anything.
It takes time.

On another topic, I’m going to give you my honest opinion:
You should pause your projects and do your assignments.
Your project might be so tempting and all, because you have to prove yourself to those people. And maybe because there are number of people that depends on you.
But when it starts to hinder your assignments, you need to know your priority.
Don’t say that it doesn’t affect your university life. I know it does.
Just few more steps, and years of your study will be done.
To sacrifice that big of a thing just to prove people that they’re wrong; it’s just not worth it.
Not at all.
The more you want to prove anything, the more situations you attract into your life that make you fight for your position.
What’s more, the only person you ever need to prove anything is you yourself.

More importantly, you need to get some rest.
Assignments are important, but your health is #1 on the priority list.
Like I said numerous times, if you fall ill, you won’t be able to do anything.
Stop being so stubborn with that little body of yours.
Just let me help you.
No, I won’t ask for anything in return.
You do know the feeling of helping people in need, right?
I just don’t want to see the person that I love doing all her things alone.
I really want to do something for you.
Just tell me anything. Anything. And I’ll help.

One more thing, if you ask me why I keep repeating things about faith, it’s because faith is the only one thing that could defeat fear.
Combined with hope and belief, it’s the thing that keeps me going strong.
If you ask about my hope, it’s something related to you.
I believe you understand what it is.
After all, humans need faith to be able to completely trust and believe in themselves.
You need it, too.

I know you’re in a mess right now and you are trying to sort it out.
So, you need to always remember, Love, I will always be there for you no matter what.
I will listen to every single thing that you want to say.
Just call me whenever. And I’ll be there for you. Anytime.

And, like I said in one of previous posts;
I just wish I could make everything alright for you.

I Love you.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


i_only_miss_you_when_by_silas_quinn-d4nisnr

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