10-01-2016.

04:55

Something happened yesterday.
Not to me, to her.
She was just taking a break from doing her assignment.
And then she saw something on the internet.
I know when she reads this, the feeling might come back for her.
But I have something to say about this, too.
So I hope she will forgive me by writing these words:

“If we break up or stop being friends, your secrets are still my secrets. I’ll stick to my word regardless.”

And, she was reduced into tears.
She said the feeling was just so unbearable, she even lost all her words.
It was like she went into a trance.
Everything went dark.
At that time, it was as if she became the weakest human being alive.
She cried so hard, she wasn’t even able to listen to her own voice anymore.
She kept saying these words to herself:

“You need to be strong. You are stronger than this. They don’t deserve you. You need to move on. You will be great one day. Just don’t be this weak, I beg you.”

And she forgot what happened after that.

I do understand that she might be tired of being strong.
She said she didn’t even have a choice.
She really needs to be strong.

She’s currently working on a seemingly impossible project right now.
So many people working with her are already felt like giving up on the project.
I don’t know, perhaps it’s because of the scale of the project.
And perhaps they want to do it in a short time while being short on manpower.
She said those people are currently hoping on her.

But, the worst part is here:
Those people just don’t understand her condition.
They don’t know what is happening with her.
They don’t know how miserable she is right now.
She was just being dragged and forced to be a mentor, motivator, and at the same time she also have to be productive both in her work and assignments.
She said it’s just the way that she’s able to free herself.
And sometimes,
sometimes she just want to pass out and forget everything for awhile.

Could you imagine how much weight she has put on those little shoulder of hers?

My heart was aching so bad.
I was like,

“What kind of madness is she going through right now?”

It was so heart-wrenching to see the person that I so dearly Love going through all her hardship alone, trying to be strong in her two little feet.
I just really, really want to come to her place and hug her tight.
Just to give her an assurance.
What kind of assurance?

That it is okay to be weak and vulnerable sometimes.

From what I’ve learned, after all these years, I understand few things about her.
Her stubbornness, her weakness, her strength, her beauty, her personality, her secrets; almost all things about her.
But, from all of those things, there is one thing that really stood out.

It is her image of being strong.

I know almost everything about her past.
Not just what happened to her months ago, no.
About what happened to her since years ago.
Look, I am not a psychologist.
This is just what I observed from her.
And this is just purely my opinion without any means of judging her.

Her past taught her to do everything alone.
I don’t know what she had in mind about this, but I think, because of the reaction from the people around her, she decided to shoulder everything alone.
That, and she has become so skilled in putting her mask so people won’t ask what is actually happening to her.
Well, people that really, really cares about her could see just what is right behind her mask; but ordinary people, all they can see is her happy side.
And that became a habit of her.

She thinks that in the end, she is all that she’s got.
I’m not going to deny that.
It is true, after all, nobody can fix anyone.
The person itself needs to be willing to fix himself/herself.

But, you know what is just so, so, SO heartbreaking about her?

Is that because she almost always forced to be strong even though she just wants to be weak and vulnerable. That’s why my heart ached when I knew what she’s going through.
It was as if I could feel her struggling to be strong.
It was as if there was a voice coming from nowhere, ceaselessly whispering to her,

“Be strong. Be strong. Be strong. Be strong. Be Strong. Be Strong. Be Strong.”

Hundreds- even thousands of times.
Yes, it created an illusion that she just not allowed to be weak.
And I think, about her not having choice instead of being strong,

I personally think it’s not true.

We always have a choice.
No matter how hard the situation is, we ALWAYS have a choice.
Yes, let’s say she have an assignment that is due tomorrow.
And let’s say it’s already 11:59 PM.
It feels like she doesn’t have any choice but to do it.
But, if you look at it from the idiotic way, we always know that she always have a choice to NOT to do that horrifying assignment.
True, isn’t it?
Yes, yes. It was a bad example.

But what I’m trying to say is:
Always trying to be strong might be a virtue, yes.

But, it also give an illusion about strength.

Look what happened to her yesterday.
She has been trying to be strong for far too bloody long.
And yesterday, she broke down.
She just can’t hold back all the feelings.
She poured it all on me.
But after that, she quickly trying to be strong yet again.

And what I get from that, is that she is actually afraid of being weak.

She feared the expression.
She feared the display of vulnerability to people.
Unfortunately, yesterday, that weak state she had for so long avoided caught up with her.

I don’t know what she was actually feeling.
But I do hope she didn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed.
I hope she didn’t feel angry or disappointment with herself.
I hope she felt released, freedom, and peace even though it was just few minutes.
Perhaps she didn’t realize it. But she needs to.

She needs to realize that in her efforts to be strong, She had been denying herself the very feelings she had wanted to experience all along.

She built walls around herself in the midst of grief, pain, or challenges, inflating herself up to be a proud person who doesn’t need anyone’s help.
To be a person who’s getting by just fine, people who is just strong enough to weather the storm on their own.
She closed herself off to feeling anything.
Perhaps in the name of self-preservation? I don’t know.
She distanced herself from emotions that by all means scare her.
Just because of how weak, incapable, vulnerable, or even unable those emotions may makes her seem to people around her.

She needs to know that it is only through allowing herself to embrace the weakness, and only through allowing herself to feel those discouraging emotions that she would be able to attract Love to strengthen her.

Because strength is not only come from within.
It is something that we give and take.
She gave strength to those people around her that currently is doing her project or even assignments together with her.
But she can’t just give strength, she needs it, too.

And so I gave her strength.
I consoled her that it was all good and fine to be weak.

Because only through weakness, vulnerabilities, and love that we can find strength.

I need to say the rest of this to her.

……
……

Dear love,

Yes, I know I stayed up super late until this hour.
I’m sorry if it brought some flashbacks to you.
But I need to write something about what happened to you yesterday.

Love, you are not a lighthouse.
A lighthouse might be able to stand tall in the middle of the storm.
Just beside the sea, holding all the raging waves and the angry sea whirlwind.
But you are not even close to being as tall as a lighthouse.
You are not even made of stone.
We, are not.
Both of us are made of bones, flesh, and blood.

I know it felt like you have no choice but to be tenaciously strong.
But, let me tell you this one simple fact:
You always have a choice to be weak and vulnerable.

You might say that you can’t, you have to be strong, you have so many people to prove wrong.
You have so many people that depend on you right now.
So you decided to bottled up your emotions and feelings.
You don’t let anyone to see the state of your broken soul right now.
Until yesterday.
Until you opened to me just a little, you told me all your feelings.
Only to say that you will try be strong again in the end.
Because, again, it might feels like you HAVE to be strong for people around you.

Love, do you know what I think when I saw you opened up to me?
It wasn’t contempt, loathing, hatred, sneering, or any negative words you could find.
It wasn’t weakness that I saw. In that short moment, when you opened yourself to me just a little, when you became vulnerable to me,

I saw only strength.
I saw only courage from you.
I was amazed; I was really proud of you.

Embrace what you call weakness.
Because in your weakness, you will find strength.
Because in all your struggle and tears, you will find determination and perseverance.
Because in all your vulnerability, you will find love and peace.
You will find the will to go on.

Love, you have been spending too much time hiding behind walls in effort to be strong.
Perhaps you have been distancing yourself from me, fearing that I will think that you’re weak.
Perhaps you have distanced yourself from your emotions and watch them from afar because you think they will scare you, intimidate you, or fill you with doubt.

What you did yesterday was remarkable.
You gave yourself permission to feel, even though it was accidentally and I could saw that you hate it so bloody much. I understand.
But perhaps it’s time to embrace the weakness you hate so much.
Because in doing so, you will discover love, peace, and joy.

I felt the flow of love between you and me.
Despite the pain and the heart-wrenching feeling, it was quite uplifting.
It was actually empowering and encouraging.
Because it was the kind of bond that could be perfected only when one or both of us show our weaknesses. I believe you understand this.

It is okay to temporarily put down everything and be vulnerable.
You don’t have to always be strong all the time.
Open up to me, Love. I will always be there for you.
Hell, I wish I could even just come there and hug you just for few hours.
I will say to you again and again that it is okay to cry, to be weak and vulnerable.
That perhaps it is time for you to give permission for those feelings to overwhelm you when you are with me. Especially when you are inside my arms; When you are being close to me.

Because, again, like I said,

In the end, only through our weaknesses, vulnerabilities and our bond of Love that we could find our true strength.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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