09-01-2016.

01:43

A stranger asked me today.

“How is it like to have anxiety and depression?”

I didn’t answer them.
That question made me thinking.
Yeah, how is it like?
I actually wanted to answer with, “It’s horrible.”
But it’s not really clear.

And then I read something.
People said it’s like being followed by a terrifying voice.
And that is so bloody true.
You do not literally hear the voice, but it’s right there inside your head.
It’s subtly speaking to you, polluting and infesting your mind.
And the worst part, it knows you more than you do.

Let me describe how is it like in my own way.
It’s going to be related to what people said.

It’s like, the voice understand all your insecurities.
And it will speak your insecurities to you out loud at any time.
It will absorb all your confidence.
It will tell you that you need to be perfect.
The slightest flaws in you will flare up its laughter.
It will laugh at you whenever you are trying to be confident.
Let me get myself as an example.
I just got a short haircut.
And, well, after I got back home, that voice was laughing at me.
I felt so ugly and all.
So many people said that I look good and younger.
She even said that my haircut is not bad.
But, what can I say? that voice keeps telling me that I look super bad.

And it happens not only when you are alone.
When it’s crowded, let’s say you’re in a party, it will become the loudest voice in the room.
It will make you think twice of your decision about why did you come to that party. Why you even bother being around those nasty people?
And it terrorize you, because even though that voice is just the loudest voice in the party, you are the only one that can hear that voice.
And sometimes, it is the only voice that you can hear.

In everyday basis, that voice will haunt you.
It will keep you from doing the things you want to do.
And it will point all your faults and your flaws and use it against you.

“Oh? You want to do that assignment? Why bother? Better just sit there and contemplate on what happened to you months ago.”

“You want to get that haircut? You already look bad anyway. It won’t make any fucking difference. Just stop trying.”

“You want to get up from bed and do something good today? No. Sleep is better. Yes, right. That’s good. Let’s just sleep all day, and maybe sprinkle a bit of depression.”

Just like those.
But, the worst part might be, you know that the voice might lying and just not true sometimes.
But you just can’t stop listening.

It really is perfectly described.
Being followed by a voice. Yes. Just goddamn right.
I don’t know how does it feels for her.
But for me, it is exactly just like that.
Although I’m getting better now.
The voice is still following me and talk to me everyday, but just not as frequent as before.

Slightly related to this topic, she messaged me today.
She gave me a screenshot of someone posting something and said:

“Being lied to by close friends hurts way more than being lied to by significant other.”

I honestly didn’t know what to say.
But it felt like that the post is just true.
I said to her that it is true.
And.. She said it brings back memories.
I believe what she meant about was when those fuckers lied to her and betrayed her.

I actually went speechless.
The voice was talking to me,

“Look at that. Done? Okay. Now look at you. Have you ever had any close friends before? No, right? The only one friend that you had, you took him for granted and now he’s mad at you and you lost him. Now she’s in a condition where she just can’t trust you and can’t stay in a relationship. Moreover, she’s busy. Nobody’s going to care about you. You don’t know how it feels like, stop saying that the post is true. You just don’t know which one is which. Yes, you could say that being lied to by significant other hurts more because it is the ONLY the most painful thing you’ve ever had that broke you to pieces. You never knew how is it like being lied to by close friends. Right? Right? Pathetic. Friendless, Jobless, and you can’t even identify things as simple as this. Why do you even live? Why do you even try to understand things? Why do you even read books? You have so much wisdom and knowledge but you are NOT using it properly. You are just wasting your time reading hundreds of books. And your writing sucks, those 37 unfinished poems in your draft are going to be junks. Just get your ass back to the bottom of that well of despair. You should just-“

And I took a long cold shower.
The voice stopped and I found myself once more.
Yeah, it really was that bad.
It was not because of her messages.
Yesterday she messaged me and I was completely fine.
It was just depression and anxiety acting up at completely wrong time.
I should stitch their filthy mouth so they would shut the fuck up.

Trust me, Neuroticism is no fun.

But I could suppress it.
I have a plan.
I could change my insecurities once and for all.
I was being so insecure back then when she and I were doing Skype calls regularly.
At some occasion I even made her angry and lightly stressed.
I believe I have already said this plan.

The plan is to Love myself more and more.
To grow confidence, self-trust and self-respect.
Just you lot wait.
Weeks from now I will emerge as a better man.
Way better than before.

I believe even she will see me as a way better man than the one she knew months ago.

……

Dear Love,

It actually felt so awkward.
I was thinking what should I say to you without sounded so stupid.
I wanted to rant.
I wanted to say that the post was not really true because I never felt what you and that person felt. I was actually afraid to say that it was your lie that hurt me the most.

But.

I know I was biased.
Because I never actually felt how does it like to be lied to by close friends.
No, it’s not an ill-wish; Definitely not.
It’s just, I can’t say something for sure without really understand it.
That’s why I was afraid to say what I really feel.
But the feeling came back, the sickening feeling of betrayal.
Yeah, I know it’s not a genuine feeling, because it came only from my imagination.
But still, That’s just the sole reason why I wanted to rant about those people that did horrible, horrible things to you.

But let’s not trying to touch your wounds.
They may itch sometimes and both of us will try to scratch it.
But by doing so, the wounds will take longer time to heal.
So I currently am trying to not to say anything about what happened to you directly.
At most, I will just rant here, in my blog, in my writings.

And, a random fact, I actually trying to write a Sonnet for you.
This is the reason why I have so many unfinished poems.
But it’s just so bloody hard, I’m struggling with it.
Because I want it to be written in 14 lines and using Iambic pentameter.
Which means each line needs to have 10 syllables.
I’ll give it to you personally when it’s done before posting it.
Just you wait.

Love, one more thing, please do not let what happened with me and my anxiety and depression discourage you from talking things to me.
I’m getting better day by day, but depression and anxiety is not something that I could conquer in weeks. I need way more time than that.
I believe you know the feeling very, very well.

Always remember, Love.
I will always be there for you whenever you want me to.
I will always listen to whatever you want to say.

Always.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.


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