07-01-2016.

03:04

I showed her the tattoo.

And, well, it’s a semicolon tattoo.

Some of you might have heard about might.
And some of you might haven’t.
Let me give you the message behind semicolon tattoo:

“A semicolon represents a sentence the author could have ended, but chose not to. That author is you and the sentence is your life.”

And, let me paste some information from a certain website:

“By writing a semicolon on your wrist, you are making a promise to yourself that it is okay to reach out and seek for help. Stand up for you or anyone you know who has depression, anxiety, has self harmed or has contemplated suicide and help our peers, our friends and our family know that we speak up for them and that we stand up against Mental Health and the stigma that’s attached to it.”

Yep, this is the reason.
As you may or now may know, the fourth quarter of 2015 was, I could say, one of the most horrible moments in my life.

She left me, and gave up on me, because she can’t stay in a relationship after the friendship betrayal.
What happened to her made her really deeply shaken.
And she just don’t want to think about close relationship right now. She want to work and do whatever she wants to do with her projects and assignments.
And the peak was when she lied to me despite being so sure about herself and convinced me that she did not lie numerous times.
That event broke me to thousands of tiny little pieces.

And before that, one of my friends, which I consider my most trusted friend, was really, really mad at me for a reason that I can’t say.
And he refused to talk to me outside gaming session ever since.
We still play games sometimes, but outside that, we are just like stranger.
So yeah, I lost my trusted friends, and she just gave up on me because of the betrayal.
I really want to kill those fuckers that betrayed her.
Not literally.
But I just.. I don’t know, I can’t say that this is a hate.
I just feel so sick thinking about what those people did to her.
It was so sickening and nauseating.

I was jobless.
After those event with her, my job application got rejected numerous times.
It was as if those interviewers could sense my depression.
That even brought me stress.
My depression went worse.

As if those were not enough, my family, brought me more and more stress for some reason I just can’t even say here. I really can’t tell why.
And the situation got worse because I can’t talk about my condition to anyone in my family.
Not even my sister and my cousin; Those two are the closest persons in my family.
I do want to talk to her about my problem with my family.
But I don’t think she would listen to me.
Especially with her being busy and all right now.

The point is, it was like I was thrown deep into the pit of despair.
My life just felt so bloody pointless.
I went suicidal few times.

I literally wanted to die.

I remembered what she did years ago.
She used to have a severe self-harm problem.
And, to be honest, I ALMOST tried it once.
I almost gave myself few cuts.
I was even already holding a razor blade, ready to just do it.
I remember she said to me once it feels like the outside pain could make the inside pain numb.

But I didn’t think it would work for me.
All those thoughts were just adding fuel to the fire of my insanity.
I cried so hard I almost went insane.
And then I remembered just how much she hate self-harm.
She managed to stop herself from doing it.
I could say she’s free from it right now.
With my face covered in tears, I vowed to myself that I am NOT going to think about cutting myself ever again. It was one of the most stupid thoughts I’ve ever had.

Reading, writing, and my Love for her are three things that kept me at bay.
Those prevented me from being totally insane.
I could say that I am all better now.

I won’t blame anyone for what I was months ago as described above.
Except those who betrayed her.
Those people are just polluting the Earth.
They should’ve gone to hell already.

I won’t blame my friend for being mad at me.
I fully understand the reason that he’s mad.
It was part of his personality and his past that caused him to be so mad at me.

I won’t blame her for what happened to her and me.
It was NOT her fault that she just can’t trust anyone.
It was NOT her fault that she felt like giving up on our relationship.
Again, what happened to her really shook her up.
She just can’t think straight afterwards.
She still needs time to be able to see flowers as flowers, not as knives.
I actually am glad that she could still going strong with her work and assignments.

I won’t blame myself for those missed job interviews.
I was depressed.
I could say I was in the lowest point in my entire life.
I tried my best to cheer myself up during those interviews.
But to no avail.
Well, I just hope I will ace my other interviews.
I’ve done one today and another one few days ago.
I got another one tomorrow.

I won’t blame my family for brought me more stress.
Heck, I didn’t even tell them what happened to me.
Well, people around me are just love to judge things.
They have this mindset called, “What I don’t understand does not exist.”
I believe I mentioned it earlier.
I could say it’s one of the stigma of mental sickness.
They don’t understand about depression and think it does not exist.
Or they could just think that it is something else.

Yes, it was very, very tough.
I actually am, being miserable.
I just hope things will change for better in this year.
With me, her and her trust and perspective for me and things around her.
With me and my work and jobs.
With me and my friends.
With me and my family.

I’m still alive.

I could’ve ended my life.
I could’ve just said the hell with all of this bloody mess and just gone from this world.

But I went on.

Maybe that’s why I got this tattoo.
To remind myself to be strong and not to fall into the same hole of despair twice.
To remind myself that she has gone through MANY things with her self harm in the past and the betrayal months ago. She went through many depressing things.
I am going to stand up for her.
And most importantly, for myself.

For you lot, I just want to tell you:
I support any of you who is currently dealing with depression, anxiety and other mental health issues.
I went through my lowest point.
Maybe I am still struggling to be better.
But I am making progress day by bay.

If maybe I could help any of you, just contact me.
I’ll share you my stories, or even talk to you about your problems as stranger.

You’re not alone.

……

Dear Love,

Yes, Love, life is fucking tough.
Like I said, it was the lowest point of my life.
But, with this tattoo, I vowed to myself to not to give myself up.
To not think about suicide and self-harm ever again.
I am not going to be defeated by mere depression.
I still have my books, my writings, my Love for you, and myself.
And this tattoo is also to honor what you have been through in your life.
Always remember that.

Mark my words, Love :
I won’t let depression overwhelm me ever again in my whole life.

I know you’re busy.
You got deadlines and works.
Just don’t forget to rest, okay?
Get plenty of rest.
Don’t stay up until more than 4 or 5 AM.
And I will try to get rid of my baggy eyes.
They make myself look 6 years older.

I will try to work on my poems and writings in the afternoon and early evening.
Although, I have to be honest, inspiration usually comes around this very hour.
But yes, I will try to go to bed before 3 AM.
That’s the first thing I am going to do.
I still got one unfinished poems that I really want to publish.
But I think I will postpone it until tomorrow before evening.

Get some sleep, will you?
You’ve already ignored my messages since a week ago.
Please don’t make me more worried.

Strive on with what you’re doing, Love.
I’ll always support you in chasing your goals and dreams.
You can do it. Even though you got something that’s weighing you down.
You still are, my strongest little girl.

Always remember that I will always be there for you whenever you need me.
Talks, randoms stuffs, asking about your essays or assignments, just anything.
I will listen to every single thing you want to tell me.

Don’t be afraid of me.
You can always trust me.

Have faith.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


love quotes picture 019.png

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2 comments

  1. lrloisel48 · January 7, 2016

    You’re an inspiration V.A.C.W. that is why I always look forward to your blogs.

    Like

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