“What do you think she’s doing right now?”
“How should I know? Probably doing assignments. Or doing work. Or playing that stupid game.”
“I hate that game. Well, generally speaking, I hate that kind of game. It’s pointless. Well, okay, we play games, too. And entertainment is never pointless. Fine, it is only pointless IF it’s getting in the way of something important. Have fun, that’s what games are meant for. But, you know, that game brought her more misery than fun. I could even say 95% people in that game are just.. shallow.”
“Careful, you begin to generalize something. And how did you get that statistic? You’re speaking nonsense. She isn’t shallow. Now, start to define what shallow is.”
“Let me define shallow person as a person who loves to talk about people. Yes, she isn’t shallow. And yes, I began to generalize people inside that game, and generalizing isn’t good. But some people around her really are shallow. Those who betrayed her are the examples. Look what they’ve done. Talking about her behind her back, doing idle talks, spreading rumor. Ugh, I loathe those kind of people. You remember that quote about people talking about people?”
“Why yes, we’ve remembered that quote for years. It’s one of the quote we really like and remember: ‘People like talking about people. Makes us feel superior. Makes us feel in control. And sometimes, for some people, knowing some things makes them care.'”
“Exactly. Look, I won’t deny that small talks are important. But talking about people? Doing idle talks? Gossipping? Spreading rumors? Those things are a big NO.”
“People around her aren’t all that bad. I believe some of them are nice. Now, let’s stop generalizing.”
“I know, I know. I’m just.. Kind of agitated because of what happened to her. Remember when she came home from her first time drinking? She said she didn’t feel anything. She felt numb. She said she was fine and all good but we know that she’s not. And she began to tell us her thoughts and feelings.”
“Yeah, we were happy to hear what she was feeling. She said it was very hard for her to communicate her feelings to people. What’s more, she said people around her didn’t even ask her on what is happening to her. Unlike us, I guess she is just very good at wearing her mask to hide what she really feels inside. All they know is.. She is perfectly happy. And fine.”
“Not fine. F-I-N-E. Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional.”
*Sigh* “She is already broken into pieces because of what happened to her. Well, humans aren’t made of glass, I know. Humans are souls. They have body; Bones wrapped with flesh and skins with blood coursing within their veins.”
“Her trust is already shattered on the ground. Her trust was the glass.”
“… Woman like her, with such horrible, horrible past, needs to be treated with patience. She needs time to breathe, to heal, and to rediscover herself. She has lost sense of what it is like to be treated right because of the betrayal. She shoved people away. Even us. I remember she said she never thought people would do that kind of thing to her. She said it was like she’s bullied for the second time.”
“Decorated with knives on her back, eh.”
“Yeah. People who used to have her back for so long were actually stabbing her in it. Along with her other trusted people. Her trust was completely shattered in just one day. I could understand why she left our Love covered with dust. When there’s no trust, there’s no Love. She forgot how grand our Love is.”
“Even though we brought plenty of flowers? It’s like we are putting so many flowers in front of her door but she’s just doesn’t want to open her door for us.”
“It’s not about that. She understands well about our Love. She still have her Love for us deep inside her heart. BUT, she just doesn’t know what to do. She won’t even dare to look at our flowers. For her, those flowers are merely bouquet of knives! She’s paranoid. She’s afraid. and-“
“-And she needs time. She needs time to remove her blinders and trust herself.”
“.. Can I write the letter for her? Just this once. You already think too much about her.”
“I don’t see why not. Go ahead.”
This is the first time I write the letter for you. Who am I? I am the heart, master of the feelings. The one who was talking to me was the brain, master of the thoughts. Usually, it was the brain who wrote the letters at the end of every post for you. He was the one who arranged and chose the words. I was just merely supply him with little bit of feelings. Not for poems, though. For poems, it’s way more complicated. Doesn’t mean the brain and I have different personality, being schizophrenic and all. No. It’s just a way of saying that it’s time for me, the heart, to write with only using feelings.
Just this time, let me be the one who write for you. This letter will be the first time written with feelings, without any interference from the brain and his thoughts. It might feel different and the same at the same time. Well, the brain and I are one, after all.
Love, I can’t find a single perfect word to describe how it felt like when you said you can’t trust me. The word ‘devastated’ was an understatement. I could say it was even worse than death itself; Maybe because I never tasted death before. From the first time you said you can’t trust me anymore, I understand that you’ve already blind from the betrayal. I understand that you’ve buried your Love deep inside with fear. The brain was just really, really love to continue living the days in denial. He shut me off, while knowing that I still radiate pain from what happened to you. The result? Frustration and agitation. The brain should’ve accepted the fact that your trust has shattered and broken to pieces.
I know the feeling of the fear of being vulnerable to people. In fact, being the heart, I know the feeling very, very well. Do you remember when I told you about all that messing around with girls? I don’t even know why I did all of those. All I felt was, I was really afraid to get into close relationship. I was hurt in the past numerous times; You know the story. I always run every time I was about to get too close to a certain girl. Plus, brain told me that opening up to people is one of the most vulnerable things an individual can do. Well, to sum it in 5 words : I was afraid in relationship.
Love, I still remember the first time I opened up myself to you; The first time I said ‘I Love you’ to you and you replied with those same words. You know how it really felt like? Happy; I was happy beyond belief. But at the same time, I was also terrified as hell.
It felt surreal. There were A LOT of things that I want to do with you. I want to show you all my talents and joys. I want you to accompany me to fight off my fears and insecurities. I want you to stand by my side through everything, and continue to fight alongside me all the way. I want you to understand all the little things going through my head and helping me sort them out. It felt like I put all my faith and trust on you; On one person that I Love the most in this world. It was very, very – like I said – terrifying.
At first, I found myself second-guessing everything. I found it hard to completely open up again because I was worried that you will only get me hurt again. However, your Love taught me to overcome this one thing; One thing that you currently have right now.
Your Love taught me to overcome Pistanthrophobia; the fear of trust.
I learned all about you in that short time since the first time I said ‘Howdy’. Your insecurities, your fears, your passion, your dreams, your fears, your fascinations. They’re exhilarating. I began to grow attached to you. I Loved seeing your name light up on my phone notifications. It brought an instant smile to my face.
I vowed to strive to bring a genuine smile to your face. And I was willing to do whatever the hell it takes to keep your wonderful smile there. I was willing to do anything to make you happy. I was even willing to drop any rationality, and plunged into the depths of faith with you. And I made the right choice. I am screaming in joy because our relationship is just so sweet and wonderful; And I still am. Because you Love me like nobody else could. Because I Love you with all that I have.
What you feel right now is the more severe version of what I felt before I said ‘howdy’ to you. Yes, I know how it feels like to have trust issues. I saw flowers as scissors that could cut my heart like paper to tiny little pieces. Like I said, I was very afraid to get into to any kind of romantic relationship.
Love, what I want to say is, at the end of the day, there is only one thing you must overcome: Pistanthrophobia; Your fear of trust. Yes, it will take time for I don’t know how long. Yes, it may not be easy to let me get into your heart now that you’ve barred the door. But you have to start to try to believe in us. Know this: no matter who we are, what we’ve been through, or whom we’ve trusted this is a fear instilled in us; We’ll always be afraid of something or the other. But the fact that we still want to walk with that fear is what makes us strong.
You might say, trying to trust me is like handling me a knife while hoping that I won’t stab you with it. Or maybe it’s like handling me a gun and letting me point it to your head while hoping that I won’t pull the trigger. Let me tell you: I will immediately throw away those knife and gun. I don’t need those kind of things to Love someone. I said I Love you, and I always Love you with all that I have.
I know that the source of all the pain and all the mess always keep you in a trance, along with your fear of getting hurt and betrayed again. But I currently am smiling at you and reaching out my hand. Wouldn’t you trust your gut and reach for my hand? Let’s walk together. Let’s take those fear, hold it together and start to strengthen each other.
Let’s put our Love on the line along with trust.