I’ve just updated the book page !
Before I start, let me rant a little bit.
Few months ago I looked at this one book that I really want in a local bookstore nearby.
The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. In hardback cover.
I was immediately enchanted by the book. I really want that shit.
Sadly it was around $35.
I thought to myself, the hell is this? It’s quite expensive.
And so I decided not to buy it.
Yesterday, I went back to that bookstore with enough money to buy the book.
But the price for the book has gone up to bloody $55.
Not literally, but I was super sad.
I wish the price would go down soon.
Now, on to the main topic.
I remember seeing a particular quote from her.
“Work hard in silence, let your success be your noise.”
I believe that was the quote she was using for herself.
Those people who betrayed her said that she can’t do anything without them.
And she, determined to prove those people wrong, started to work on something.
I am not going to say that it is her dream.
Maybe I’m oblivious, but from what I can see, she’s trying to prove something to those people.
She is trying to prove that she can still move on after those people betrayed her.
Yes, she is quite easily provoked by things.
It’s her weakness, I could say.
People said, if you feel the need to prove something to someone, it means that you don’t have anything in yourself.
Honestly? It’s as if she is controlled by her past.
I don’t even know if she is truly happy with what she is doing right now.
Is she doing it for the sake of proving people wrong and not purely because of her own dreams and desire?
Perhaps. At least it’s only what I can see from my both eyes.
Let’s not blindly assume anything.
I know for sure that it’s hard to let go of the past, especially, like in her case, it haunts her and makes her feel like less of the person she actually is.
But I learned that if we learn to accept the past instead of wishing we could change it, it will no longer control us.
And if there are people in our life that we need to prove something to, we need to realize that those people we want to prove to just do NOT really matter in our life.
In fact we might find that the person we want to prove ourselves worthy to, is ourselves.
I want to say to her, whisper this thing in her right ear:
“Love, enough with the past. And never be afraid to what lies ahead in the future. Let’s change it together.”
But, she still needs time to change her mindset.
To make herself believe that I don’t actually bring knives to her life.
That I just want to Love her and won’t stab her in the back.
It definitely takes time.
And right now, well, I am trying to give her own space and time.
I already rambled too much on New Year night because I was being drunk.
That’s not the sole reason I quoted that quote she was using.
I actually want to talk about silence.
I really, really Love the fact that she wants to do things quitely.
Since weeks ago, I started to spend two or three out of every seven days in silence.
During those chosen days, I would do everything in silence.
I work in silence, eat in silence, put down my phone down most of the time, and turn off my PC for the whole day. If communication is necessary, I will do it through gestures, or maybe write it somewhere for people to see.
I even sit down and do meditation.
Sometimes I do it when I’m stargazing.
It’s like I’m practicing zen myself.
But after weeks of doing it, I learned so many things from silence.
The first thing I noticed after spending days in silence was the fact that my thoughts are so bloody loud. It drowned other small sounds and voices.
And I thought, if my thoughts were this loud, I should really make them as wise as possible.
I should take time every single day to notice my thoughts and let go of awful and negative thoughts that just don’t serve me.
Silence taught me that it’s really important to shape my thinking.
I really should feed my mind with the best food available.
When I spent my days in silence, I could saw that I took many things for granted.
That I really need to be grateful for so many things in my life.
At the end of those days, I always imagine myself sitting at the top of a mountain in silence, looking at everything that I have, and asking myself what am I grateful for.
I was amazed at the blessings I discovered.
Silence taught me about gratitude.
I was happy when I spent my days in silence.
In fact, I was even happier than my regular days.
So I realized, happiness can be found just when I kept everything simple.
When I kept everything simple, I found joy.
There’s no need for drama or conflict for things.
Simple things are, most of the time, better things.
Try to keep things simple, and enjoy the ease it offers your life.
Silence taught me about simplicity.
As you may know, I was utterly devastated for what happened to her.
And what I did was, I tried to distract myself.
But, silence taught me that if I avoided something it would never go away.
That whatever feelings that come arise to myself, I have to face it with all that I got.
And, most importantly, NO over-analyzing.
I need just to look at those feelings. And realize that I have it. That’s that.
It makes me accept those feelings. And definitely makes me feel better.
So, silence taught me that personal space helps me face hard times.
That the next time I face something difficult,
I need to pause, feel those feelings, and honor whatever’s arising from the inside.
Most of us think that facing whatever danger or problems in our life is what makes us brave.
It doesn’t work that way.
I know that we can’t just keep running and walking.
Especially with our problems and feelings chasing us from behind.
But after we face those things, there is still one thing that we need to do.
And this one needs courage.
Because for me, the ultimate courage is when you are able to face yourself.
It is when we stop, stand still in silence, we put every single thing in our life that distract us aside, and start to take a good look on ourselves, and evaluate ourselves.
Real courage is about facing yourself.
Silence taught me the courage it takes to be still, to stop moving.
I know that when we stop moving, everything we’re running from catches up.
But we need to let them catch up, let them wash over us, and let them pass.
So, the next time you are afraid of something, stop and wait for it to pass.
And take a good look at yourself.
There is massive courage inside our heart.
Let’s use it, and use it very good.
Another thing I’ve learned, is that speaking is easy, but staying quiet is hard.
Most people nowadays can’t even enjoy silence.
They would gossip about things, talk about small things,
anything as long as they have something to talk to.
For me, small talks are horrible.
I enjoy silence more than petty small talks.
This is another reason why I Love her.
She loves meaningful, heavy, mind-provoking talks.
Well, silence is definitely not as flashy as petty small talks and gossips.
But from what I see, from her, silence has an IMMENSE power to endure.
When someone doubts us, or talk about something bad behind us, there’s no need to disagree loudly, or waste our breath to defend yourself.
All we need to do, is speak in silence.
Just silently vow not to give up and show them what we really are inside.
Actions speaks louder than works.
Actions speaks volumes !
But there’s always a time when we need to say something.
Honestly, this is something that really is out of my specialty.
I could write thousands of words, explaining things in my writing.
But when it comes to speak something, I always have my difficulty in speaking.
Because I always try to choose my words very, very carefully.
Silence taught me that a well-spoken simple words have more power compared to hours of meaningless chatter. This is especially important to people with problems.
Most of the time, we would just straight say something related to their problems just to comfort then. But if we listen and think in silence, we could say something worthwhile for them.
It’s better for us to think of one simple thing we can say that would help someone feel better than saying many things to them, but lack in depth and sense.
The most noticeable thing from my days in silence was, I was happy with less.
Like I said, I put down my phone most of the time, and turned off my PC.
I put aside everything that is weighing me.
Works, obligations, meaningless conversations, petty chats and talks.
And I was happy with my books and writings.
Silence taught me to be happy with less.
Pick something that’s weighing you down, and pause yourself from it.
Let go if you have to.
Trust me, your life will thank you.
I write all of this not without reasons.
Let me tell you my days.
Everyday I am bombarded with noise since early morning.
From the moment I roll out of bed, there’s always noise here and there. Literally, or mentally.
Sounds from inside or outside my house, social media, email, phone calls, group chats, messages, people; Blah. Everything. Given the choice, I like to ease into all this. Seriously.
But I can’t. She can’t. We all can’t.
Those are part of our life.
That’s why, try to appreciate and enjoy silence whenever you can.
Whenever you have the chance, put down all distractions.
If you have to work, work in silence.
If you have to study, study in silence.
Or just say damn all those and read books at the corner of your room.
I do it sometimes.
Enjoy silence whenever you can.
It’s an endangered species nowadays.
I admit, I admire your way of working in silence.
It is true, the less people that understand our goals, the better.
My days spent in silence added with the example of you working in silence, has enlightened me.
I began to appreciate silence.
Do you remember those times when I always demand answers out of my impatience?
Right now, I understand that I should’ve listened to your silence.
Most of the time, silence is louder than words.
Although of course I will need some explanations for things.
Yes, I know I learned so much things since what happened to us.
We both do learned many things.
I guess what happened to you was necessary for both of us to be better.
Love, do you remember that time when we were lying together in bed?
We said nothing.
All I did was looking at you, hugging you close, and caressing and playing with your hair.
It was a moment in silence.
One blissful moment where we said nothing but at the same time, talking to each other.
It was Love that speaks between us.
Oh, I do miss that moment.
But I believe, you’ll find your way back to me.
Maybe not now, nor next week.
But you willl get there.
We will get there.
All I need right now is patience, and silence.
I will speak my Love and yearnings in silence.
I will let my writings whisper them just loud enough for you to hear.
You don’t need to open your ears.
Listen with your heart.
Hear me, hear what I want to say through my writings.