31-01-2016.

23:23

Dear Love,

I want to say this directly to you.
But it would be absurd to type more than 1500 words on a messenger.
And so, I hope you will read this.

Love, tomorrow is my first day.

I actually am excited.
Why wouldn’t I? Like I said, this is the time for me to prove myself.
To finally do what it takes for me to pave my way to the top.
You said it numerous times to me that you will be big.
That you are on project along with other people.
Well, this is the time for me to say the same thing with ten times the excitement:

Watch me closely, Love. I’m going to work hard and achieve my own success, that even you, or anyone else that sneered at me and said that I couldn’t do it, will look at me in amazement. That even the people that didn’t want to know me and think that I’m just another unimportant person in their life will suddenly want to shake my hand and talk to me.

Remember when you tested me that OCEAN test at 3 in the morning?
You said that when I love something, I love, and I love hard.
And it applies when I spite something, too.

Because when it comes to do things, I don’t do them in half-measures.

In loving you, I put my whole heart to display without fear.
And I even still able to love you THIS much after you lied to me and broke me to pieces.
In reading, as you may know, I read too many books that I can’t even count them all.
And I can’t list all of them because I lost my book list.
In writing, well, I tried to at least post something once a day since November.
It has been three months, and There is not a single day where I don’t write something.

And now, is my turn to give my all to my job.

I know I won’t be able to spend my whole time like before in reading and writing.
Heck, I can’t even finish the fourth sonnet, I can’t finish the last stanza.
And I don’t even want to spend my whole time working and doing my job.
I will be persistent in all of things that I love.
But of course, I have to distribute my time properly.
The only thing that I could do continuously 24/7 is.. Loving you.

And I don’t want to use my work as distractions.
Instead I’m going to immerse myself in doing it without thinking it as distraction.

Love, I don’t know anything about you these days.
All I know, you’re done with your assignments and exams, you absolutely don’t want to speak to me – not even a single word, and you will be home next week until the end of the month.
The latter was my hunch, and usually my hunch about you is.. Right.
I don’t know, it’s like I have some connection with you since years ago.
It’s like I know things about you without even asking it.

And I keep thinking about what happened to us.

Not that I do not accepted it; I did.
It’s just.. I actually am wishing that you will open your heart and mind.
To beat and erase your cynicism.
To be able to find your way back to me – to find your love that you hid inside your heart.

I know that you said to me you don’t want to think about close relationship for now.
But you have to know:

There are still more in your life than blindly positioning yourself in the middle of your work.
There are still more in your life than distracting yourself.
There are still more things in your life than the ones that betrayed you.
There are still more things than treating me harshly with silence without telling me a single reason why.
And here is still something called love :
With so many missed kisses, and laughs.
And nights, and days, and risks worth taking between us!
And of course, there are still books that worth to read.
There are still tons of poetry that you can still write.

You have to believe in those things.
Please.

Stop confining yourself and avoiding things that you are afraid of.
I don’t want you to continue close your point of view to beautiful things around you.
Believe in love – our love.
It does NOT hold you and cage you and hold you close to me.
You are free to do whatever you want even you are in the boundaries of our love.
I promise you it will set you free.

Right now both of us might be struggling to firmly stand on our own feet.
You with your both little feet, and I with mine.
As you know I had my time – my lowest point – where I feel so trapped and alone.
Just like where no one really cares.
My soul was screaming for acceptance.
My heart was breaking in two, screaming with pain and sorrow.
As those two laughed mercilessly towards me.

And for you, too.
Your lasting long pain and agony, that caused by those assholes.
Sometimes, humans really are such cruel beasts.
Who prey so viciously on the weak and the broken.
Yeah, sometimes I loathe the harsh way of living.

Love, You and I, we have endured too much suffering.
Don’t avoid and ignore your heart’s calling.
Let us look at each other closely.
Not to contempt on each other, but to name each other’s scars.
We could run together into the world’s wilderness.
Or even chasing the stars and the moon with our souls – mad in love.
And the best part will be, it will be just us against the world.

Together, we can save ourselves.

And Love, this might be called boasting, but let me tell you this:

I want to know that you are dearly loved by someone that is hard to love.
Because it usually take me a VERY LONG time to reach a point where I deepy love someone.
To reach a point where I could be sure with their flaws and imperfections.
I’ve spent a quarter of my whole life – 7 years – up until this point – just to completely love you with all your flaws and imperfections, because this kind of love is something that is growing steadily in someone’s heart.
And usually for people, it won’t take long for them to love someone.
But for me, I set my bar WAY too high until I am completely sure with someone.
Anything less than that time, I won’t be sure that someone is right for me.

Yes, I might look bitter to everyone.
I might look SUPER rude and everything.
But I could be the sweetest lover in the world when I do love someone so much.

And right now, it’s you that I really love.

Love, I don’t know what will happen to us.
I don’t even know why you just stop talking to me but not to everyone else.
And that treatment made me thinking.

Perhaps I should talk to you once and for all.

Or not.
I don’t know, Love. Am I disturbing you?
Am I just a distraction in your busy life?
You don’t even say anything to me about it, and honestly it’s frustrating me.
I tried to forget, I really did.
But you grew around my ribcage, and sprouted flowers just below my collarbones.
Every single day I pluck their petals.
But they keep growing and growing.
And so, like I said countless times, I stopped trying to stop loving you.
I can’t.

I spent too much time on what should I do with us.
Yes, you might say that we should continue our life and see what will happen to us.
You said you want to recover yourself alone.
I guess, my work will help me on being patient with you and your condition.

If you asked me on why do I love you, I will answer just like I’ve answered before.
I don’t really know.
I just love you, with all your flaws and your imperfections.
People said, it’s the little things that make you love someone so big.
Funny, when I think about you on that saying, all I could remember is your frame.
Your little hands, your little arms, and how did you try to wrap your arms around me.
You succeeded to – surprisingly, with only those little arms – hug me tight.

I will never forget that time when we met in the airport.
I believe you won’t either.

This post might be looking like a summary.
Well, yes, it might is.
I just want to fimrly assure you on everything.
On my love, on us, on what happened to you – everything.

Last few things,

I just want to say.. Don’t be like this to me.
I don’t know your reason of being silent to me completely.

But this is not right, Love.

You did label yourself as a cruel person because it feels like you were the one who caused our relationship to be hanging without any certainties.
But back to what I said, when you are being like this, you are actually being cruel towards me.
Yes, it saddened me, really.
And yet you said two months ago that we could talk like usual.
At least tell me what is going on instead of saying nothing.
Please.

I won’t hurt you. No.

This is confusing.
Because you don’t even tell me what the hell is going on.
I do want to respect your boundaries.
Heck, I truly want to be in your life.
If I couldn’t respect you and your boundaries, what would I be ?

Love, don’t stop believing; please.
Do be cynical, but acknowledge that trusting me and loving me does not make you worse.
It won’t make you a less of a person than you are right now.
Don’t push love away from your life.

There are still so many things that I want to say.
But I have to rest, I got a big first day tomorrow.
I wish.. I wish you could just say something to me about my first day tomorrow.
This is a very big step for me, and I really want to face it with you.

Lastly.
Love, let me remind you of this.
That I will always be there for you at any time.
I promised, you right?

Open your heart.
Believe that whatever happens to us, both of us will be fine.
We will definitely be alright.
You could lost your faith and trust in humanity along with your ability to love.
But NEVER lost your faith in things between us.

Believe in hopes.
Have Faith.
Embrace our love.

Look deep inside your heart and realize on what we have.
Because after all this time, it’s always you – it’s always us.

Always.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.
 


rumi-quote

30-01-2016.

23:54

Saturday.

I was at the coffee shop, sitting, waiting for my friend.
And I was actually thinking to myself.
On what I could cherish in my life at this point.

Once again I looked at myself from 3rd person point of view.

I looked at my relationship with her.
She’s ignoring me.
I tried to talk to her but she’s just saying nothing.
I looked at my relationship with my friends.
We do not talk much outside the gaming sessions.
It’s like we do not know each other outside them.
I looked at my relationship with my family.
Things are getting sour.
There’s a problem with my main famiily and my cousins.

Things really are going bad real fast.
The only good thing right now is.. The love I have for her.
And my job.

I don’t know what I should do.

I miss her. I miss her a lot.
But she’s ignoring me.
I want to talk about things to my friends to let things out.
But they don’t even want to talk to me outside gaming sessions.
I want to get a comfy and happy aura in the air inside my house.
But like I said, I have problems with my family.

I guess I have to turn myself into workaholic right now.

I have to turn my attention to my workplace.
To my job.
I have to give my all on my new job.
That, and I have to continue to read books and write things whenever I can.
No matter how few the words that I’m going to write.

.. I need to think about few things.

……

Dear Love,

I miss you.

No, really, I am.
I just want to talk to you about random things.
At least talk to me.

Would you?

I don’t understand.
Is that so damn hard?

V.A.C.W.

29-01-2016.

23:45

I was talking to a friend of mine.

He told me a story about him and his girlfriend.
And he almost made me completely pissed because of what he said.
Not really pissed, well, I was just kind of hate his way of thinking.
He said:

“I don’t think I should continue this relationship.”
“How should I tell her?”
“She’s different. She was not the girl I used to love.”
“I’m getting bored of her. Really.”
“And I found this girl that I met couple weeks ago.”
“She’s smart, she’s gorgeous, and I think she’s better than Jacqueline.”
“Really, I think this time, the girl is the one!”

I was just laughing at him.
It reminds me of one of my ex.

My ex was, let’s say, ‘bored’ of me.
She was thinking that I am not like the one she used to love.
While in fact, I was still the same person as I was years ago.
I tried my best to get her attention, I did everything I can for a full year.
And for that one full year, she was just looking at me like I’m a random person whom she just met days ago. To put it simply, she took me for granted.
And then, well, one day my heart snapped and said to me that it was enough.
I had to walk away from her because she didn’t appreciate me.

And what happened was, she immediately looked for me.
She said sorry, this, that, and all.
But it was too late. I did enough.
I hang on and tried to get her attention for one goddamn year.
Well, she continues to look for me until this very day. Or so her friend said.

What am I trying to say is,

We are human, it is perfectly human to be bored of something.
Even in relationship; yeah, okay, it’s fine. It’s normal.
But doesn’t mean that we could leave someone that we love because of boredom.
Especially when the “because I found a better person” is added to the reason.

More often than not, new people will look way more interesting than people around us.
They will look way kinder and funnier.
And it seems like they have this kind of spark that makes us in a good mood.
But are they really better than the ones we have?
Are they better than our significant others?
There’s a saying:
 

“Grass is always greener on the other side.”

 
Meaning that people will never satisfied with their own situation.
They will always think others have it better.
While in reality, every single person on Earth do have their own bad qualities.
Some are mild, mediocre, bad, really bad, or even worst.
Worst kind of people are just like those people that betrayed her.
But people always have their own bad side at their own respective levels.

And no matter how attractive or interesting they look, they will always have their own bad side.
Just like drops of rain, no matter how big or small the drop is, it will makes us wet anyway.
Yes, some people’s qualities are better than the others; it’s an undeniable fact.
But doesn’t mean that we could leave our significant others because of their own imperfections.
If you don’t like their imperfections, then why the fuck did you went out with them in the first place?

Falling in love is easy for most people.
We could be interested to someone in a matter of seconds.
It’s very human.
Unless you are hard to love someone and willingly walk into love.
Like me.

But once you said the sacred three words and eight alphabets to someone,
You automatically vowed to accept them.
Their flaws, their imperfections, their bad qualities.
Not just stupidly said that you are bored because they have changed and all.
Being bored to our significant others is not a reason for us to leave them.
If it is, then no one will get married.
Or if some couples are married, they will get a divorce in less than a year.

Leaving someone because of boredom is absurd.

Instead, when we are bored of our significant others, we need to realize something.
That the relationship is way more stable than you might think.
Yes, boredom is a sign of stable and good relationship.
And it needs one’s maturity to realize that it does not mean that the relationship have to end.
It also needs commitment.

I actually said to my friend that he needs to trash his childish attitude.
He’s 26.
He’s not a petty high-schooler that could go in and out of relationship whenever he see fit.
Looking at him made me realize that there are still a lot of people that think relationships are just for fun. That they could play with someone’s heart and trash it when they are bored.

He needs to realize that relationships are not bloody video games.

And he needs to grow a pair of balls.
I used to be like that. That’s why I could say this.
But the difference is,
I was just messing with girls and not getting into relationship with them.
I didn’t even say the sacred three words and eight alphabets.
What kind of man plays with girls, makes them love him, get into relationship just to have fun and games and leave them afterwards when he’s bored?

At least I still had the goddamn heart NOT to make them love me.

Phew. Okay. Enough rant.
I just realized that it really is different when you have the experience.
I guess it is true when people say that true wisdom comes from experience.

Because wisdom comes from your capacity to learn and your ability to listen.
And the most important thing is it comes from acknowledging OUR OWN ignorance.
They said wisdom comes from age, that is also true.
Because with age, comes experiences.
And from our experiences we learned from our mistakes.
We tried not to repeat them.

And when I said “wisdom” I meant the quality of being wise.
I meant the ability to have greater thinking and make better choices.
It doesn’t even solely comes from age and experiences.
It comes from our own mind, and our faith.
It also comes from the people around us on the way they affect us with their thinking.
That’s why I always said in my previous posts to be careful with narrow-minded people.

Well, both wisdom and being wise are more complicated than we think.

Life is all about the choices we make anyway.
And our mistakes, our bad choices, and everything that happened in our life makes us who we are.
As long as we could refrain ourselves from being bitter from what happened to us, we will be fine.

To be able to think this far about wisdom, I think I’ve read too many books.

Okay. Let’s pause the reading.
I need to finish my fourth sonnet for her.
The embarrassing thing is, I finished the fifth before the fourth.
The fourth remains unfinished.

Time to finish it and show it to her before Tomorrow morning.

……

Dear Love,

What my friend said made me think of this one thought:
 

Are you a blessing or are you a lesson?

 
Surprisingly, it didn’t take me much time to answer the thought.
Because the answer is so.. Easy.

You are both.

You are a blessing.

Remember when you gave me that cake when I was stressed with my thesis?
And the book, one book that I treasure so much until this day.
You showed me just how much a person can love someone; you love me like nobody else could.

You showed me the power of words; you infused them with your love.
With all your letters, and poems.
Your poems strengthen my love for you, remember when I confessed to you after I read it?
And that time when I was about to went to your place?
I even cried happily when you wrote me that letter on our first anniversary.

You even comforted me in my worst times by assuring me that you are still there.
Remember when.. Both of us got into a problem with him?
We faced it together, hand in hand, and continued to walk together.

But.
You are also a lesson.

You showed me that some person just really need their time alone.
You showed me on how a betrayed person can completely lost her trust.
Even to someone that she loves.
That even a love that strong can completely vanished in just one day.

You showed me how bad betrayal is, that friendship betrayal is just worse than anything.
You showed me just how cynical can a person be.
With all your disbelief towards close and lovey-dovey relationship.
You don’t even want to talk to me because we have a sweet, sweet and wonderful relationship.
Yeah, it does sounds silly; but I just want to understand on what happened to you.

You showed me that my heart could be completely destroyed by a person that I so dearly love.
That one single lie, one single lie that you repeatedly defended yourself.
It could completely broke my heart to pieces.

But you also showed me that even a completely broken heart is still capable of loving.
Until this day, even though you did break my heart, I do still love you.
And the amount does not reduced.
I don’t know how am I still be able to love you after what you did to me.
Don’t ask me. I don’t even understand how.
But I guess, that’s just how amazing love is.
Love does not keeps record of wrongs.

What happened to you taught me to be a better man.
To be more understanding instead of judging.
To be more patient and wait until you can see flowers as flowers.
To make friends with time.

And most importantly, what happened to you has awakened me.
I could write this much, I could write poems for you, all because of you.
You are my muse, my inspiration.

That’s why you are a blessing, and a lesson.

I never regret that you came to my life 7 years ago.
Not even once.
Well, how could I? This feeling has been growing since the first time we said hi to each other.
Since 7 years ago.
And it’s not going anywhere, it has rooted itself deep into my soul.

Love, I don’t know when will you be able to find the love that you have for me.
You’re not strong enough after what happened to you.
You are still incapable of trusting someone.
Pistranthrophobia – is the one thing that you need to conquer.
To be able to put your faith one again to people – to me.
Love never goes anywhere. It’s still there in your heart.
Because both of us didn’t do anything wrong to each other.
It was because of someone else that both of us are unable to embrace each other now.

You did make mistakes, but again, love never keeps record of wrongs.
Heck, if it does, I wouldn’t be able to love you THIS much.
Love is amazing. It really is.
I wish you could feel the same thing as I am feeling towards you right now.

About your study, I’m glad that you’ve finished your exam.
Worry less about it, Love.
You gave it your all! You will be fine.
Let God do the rest; I’ll pray for you, always.
And about it, please tell me when will you get the result.

One last thing, is the thing that I always say every single day:
Always remember, Love, that I will ALWAYS be there for you.
No matter what.
If you want to talk to me about whatever; random things, your feelings, whatever it is.
I will always be there for you; I promised you.

Always.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


557720

28-01-2016.

23:37

There was an actual reason I moved away from my hometown exactly yesterday.
As silly as this sounds, I want to see people that actually care for me.

Because today, is my birthday.

The stupid thing was, I forgot to hide my birth date on Skype.
But the amazing thing is, there are bunch of people that stayed silent.
People that I used to talk things to.
My family did not forget my birthday, well they definitely won’t.
Some of them has known me since the date of my birth.
And I’ve known some of them since the date of their birth.

The thing is, I actually am kind of saddened.
People that used to care so much about me, now all of them are currently looking at somewhere else.
Both of my friends, people that know me back in highschool and uni, and most importantly, her.
I could care less about people that I know in highschool and uni.
But both of my friends and her? That’s something else.

I know they remember my birthday.
But they didn’t say anything.
And that made me feel so.. Lonely.
At first.
One of my friends said this in my Skype group:

“Happy birthday for those who are celebrating today.”

And another one of my friends didn’t even say anything.
I actually messaged her.
I wanted to ask about why she ignored me until today.
I asked if she and I could talk, at least because today.. Is my birthday.
Well, I just want to make everything as clear as possible.
Is it so hard for her to say the truth about why she ignored me? Honestly I don’t think so
She replied:

“Yep. Happy birthday, wish you all the best in life, especially your new job.”
“Do your best and success in life. Amen.”

I was confused.
It was not the answer that I really want.
I wanted to ask about what has changed, and why she ignored me?
Because a week ago everything seems just fine.
There must be something happened or something she felt.
Yet she back to the no-reply mode after that.

And, not everybody has a happy birthday.
For those who are having problem with the people around them, like me,
I think birthdays are grim reminders of their loneliness.
My loneliness.
Because, like I said million times, I got no one around me right now.
Family doesn’t count.

At this point, I feel like I made a mistake to her.
A mistake that I myself don’t know what it was.
But, if I did make a mistake, why don’t she just tell me about the mistake that I made?
It’s not that hard. I believe it isn’t.
Or if she just don’t want to explain something to me, she could just say no.
Typing “No.” takes less than 5 seconds.
And it will make me, who are trying to make her talk, shut up.
Yet doesn’t even say anything.

By god, she’s just.. Really hard to understand.

Sigh.
It was already bad enough that I lost people that were once close to me.
She assured me that she would always be by my side – that I still have her.
Until what happened to her made her deranged and unable to trust and love me.
Wow. I actually am whining about how unfair it all was yet again.
Again, I accepted it. I just keep wondering what will happen after that.

What’s the good in me related to what happened to me?
When will the answer come?
How long do I have to wait?
Tokugawa Ieyasu said:

“The strong manly ones in life are those who understand the meaning of the word patience. Patience means restraining one’s inclinations. There are seven emotions: joy, anger, anxiety, adoration, grief, fear, and hate, and if a man does not give way to these he can be called patient. I am not as strong as I might be, but I have long known and practiced patience. And if my descendants wish to be as I am, they must study patience.”

If Ieyasu actually still alive, I would definitely come to him and ask him about patience.
And I would have him teach me about it.
He’s a master of patience. He bloody is.
He kept his feelings in check to reach his ambitions and dreams.
Like I said in my 2016 resolution, she is one of my dreams.

And so, to reach my dream, I have to keep my feelings in check.
I have to be patient.
I have to endure any challenges that will come.
And perhaps she really needs her time on her own.
I’m going to give her some space for now.

I really am hate being patient.
But I have to be.
I have to.

For her.

……

Dear Love,

You are a hard girl to understand.
You have to know that.
Just when we have the chance to clear everything once and for all, you stayed silent.
But okay, I’ll give you your space.
I’ll give you your time.
I’ll be patient.

Love, I read something today
I read a book about human mind and memory.
And there’s something to do with experience.
Everything that happened to us built us without we know it.
What we have experienced built our perception on people.
Perhaps you already learned this in one of your lessons about (ugh) brain.

It is called implicit memory.

Implicit memory is a type of memory in which previous experiences aid the performance of a task without conscious awareness of these previous experiences.
Implicit memory will unconsciously affect us with our decisions:
On who can we trust in our life.
On when are we steady to do something.
On what we are capable of.

There are actually some benefits in this.
It can help us avoid some certain things.
Things that make us unhappy.
Things that make us sick.
Or even things that put us in grave danger.

But there is one thing that we could not avoid.
And I guess.. It’s happening to you right now.
It makes us biased on some things.
Like you and your point of view towards trust and close relationships.
You failed to see those things as they really are.
You even said that loving relationship does not exists.

And I was the one who got the impact from what happened to you.
Okay, I’m going to stop stressing it.
It’s getting quite annoying, I know.
Forgive me, I just can’t stop wondering why it all happened to you. To me. To us.
And although I could just laugh at the confusion, I just keep wondering and wondering.
I know I will have to be patient and compromise with time.
Time. Again. Ugh, I already said I hate that word.

Putting those aside, I know you will have your final exam tomorrow.
Do give your best! You can do it!
I’ll definitely pray for you tonight.

Always remember that I will always be there for you, Love.
I don’t care whatever it is that I am doing, I will always be there for you when you need me.
Just tell me whenever and whatever it is that I could do for you.
I promised you I will be there for you, and I will.
Always.

Lastly, Love, I know you are strong.
Not physically, yes, not with that little body of yours.
But, this time, why don’t you try to be strong in acknowledging your own feelings?
I don’t know if you are afraid to trust me or love me.
Perhaps the feeling rushed back and you are afraid of it so you kept your distance for me.

Whatever it is that you feel, love, don’t be afraid.
Embrace your love and trust towards me.
The love I gave for you deep inside your heart is waiting for you.
It waits for you to be strong once again, for you to take it to surface.
I know it seems unimportant, and it seems like all it does is just to distract you.

But believe me, once you embrace the love that you have and the love I gave for you,
Your world will change for the better.
Because love never meant to make your suffer, it never meant to make you miserable.
I – the one who love you dearly and the one who gave you my love – just want to make you happy.

Won’t you put your complete trust on me ?
I already promised that I would make you delight in joy and triumph for trusting me.
I won’t make you regret trusting me.

Always have faith, Love.
It’s not about the faith between you and God, no.
It’s about putting your entire faith in me.
It’s about putting your trust on me.

Don’t be afraid.

You know I never break the promises that I made for you.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


557720

About Her, Her Heart, and Love.

 

I got too many unanswered questions in my head. Questions that whispered by the shade that is currently hanging on my shoulder.

Why is she being quiet? I do appreciate silence, but with explanation beforehand. Is there something going on inside her heart and mind? Is she lost inside her own mind trying to find a way out?

Why does she stop replying? She is ignoring me. I know she got people around her that she could talk to. But what’s so ‘special’ about me? Is she just too sad to interact with me? Does she constantly forget that she always have me that she could count on?

Why does she keep pushing me away? Am I suppose to turn my back on her and finally walk away once and for all for the first time since I met her? Or am I suppose to stand my ground, put her in my arms and hold her until she forgets about everything that is wrong in her life?

I don’t know and I don’t understand what is happening. I know that she’s just so fragile. She hurts and breaks easily. And maybe, maybe after what happened to her, after she has shattered to pieces, she just doesn’t know how to put herself back together.

If there’s one thing that I learned related to this is that, I know that people would forget what I do and what I said, but they will never forget on how I made them feel. And that applies to her, too. I believe she remembers how madly in love we were with each other.

I wish she would just once again remember how it feels like to lost herself in love; remember how it feels like to lay in bed together with our breaths synchronized, where our souls speak through our eyes, and we kiss with each other’s gaze.

I know she does not forget; its not amnesia, and heart does not forget. Heart will always remember all the things it has felt.

……..

Love, do you remember?
Do you remember all our times together?

Where we talk to each other until we are sleepy at night? Where I hugged you to sleep from behind and whispered you good night? Where we kiss each other good morning when we wake up?

Just for today, do me a favor with those feelings that you can remember:
Let them wash over you and fill your heart with love; don’t be afraid; embrace it.

For me. For us.

 

V.A.C.W.
02:08

 

27-01-2016.

23:35
 

“Why hurt someone whose only intention was to love you?”

 
Right, why?
I just read that quote minutes ago.
And, as always, it reminds me of her.
Well, everything reminds me of her these days.

Hours ago I was just arrived.
Here, at her hometown.
And I was just arrived at my cousin’s house.
I was sitting on a sofa, looking around the house, and thought to myself:

“Well, new job, new city. Time to make some noise at my workplace.”
“Huh. It’s funny, last time I went here I was on vacation.”
“And before that, before that… Before that I was supposed to meet her, but she chose another guy.”
“She went out with another guy. She was lying to me about not be able to go out and meet me.”

And I laughed at myself for stupidly reminiscing the stupid past.
Right now, she feels so close yet so far.
I’m in her hometown, and if she allows me, I would just jump right out of my seat now and run to her place. I would spend my entire night and tomorrow morning just to talk to her.
But she just doesn’t want to talk to me.
Like I said, she ignored me since a week ago.

And it hurts.
So why does she hurt someone whose only intention was to love her?

When I think about it, it’s not that simple.
Yes, I do, love her. With all my heart. She knows that very, very well.
And I do want to love her. I want to make her the happiest girl in the world.
But on the other hand, I also want her to love me back like she did before that happened.
Love is selfish, just like what Dante Alighieri said :

“Love insists the loved loves back.”

It’s not wrong, but it’s not entirely right, too.
It’s true that we would be deeply saddened if someone that we love does not love us back.
But love does not always insists the loved loves back.
Instead, love always hopes.
And right now, I sincerely hope that she would once again be able to find the Love that she has for me since years ago deep inside her heart.
But it will take some time.

With that being said, my intention was not only to love her.
But I want her to be able to love me back like before.
Which is, something that she just not able to do right now.
Yet, I still don’t understand why she completely ignores me since a week ago.
I mean, no matter how busy she is, I believe she still talks to people around her.
And yet, she just doesn’t want to spare 15 seconds a day from 86400 seconds just to wish me a good day.

And, again, yes, it hurts.

At time like this, when I just don’t do anything, I always wonder about what happened to her.
I accepted on what happened to her.
I said to myself hundreds of times that it was necessary for her to eradicate untrustworthy people from her life once and for all, so she could finally see the true colors of the people around her, including me.
I believe it hurts like hell for her, betrayed by her most trusted friend, and they acted like they were the one who was bleeding, stabbed by her, like it was all because of her wrongdoings.
But it was a blessing, for she finally NOT surrounded by people that love to make dramas.
Yet I keep asking myself the same question every single day:

“What’s in it for me?”

Because everything seems to work out for her.
I figured out almost all of the positive side from what happened to her.
And yet, the impact made her deeply shaken.
And unable to trust and feel the love for me ever since she’s betrayed.
So it seems like I got all the bad, bad things.
Oh, don’t worry, I’m laughing at how confusing all of this right now.
I remember what she said to me:

“Look at what those people has become. They tasted their own medicine. It is all just the result of my patience. Like I said, I have unlimited patience in facing things like this.”

Patience is something I am trying to build.
You could say it’s under construction deep inside my heart.
Perhaps.. Because love would not be perfect without patience.
And the universe is trying to polish the love that I have for her to perfection.
About patience, I suddenly remember a quote, I believe it’s from a movie:

“Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”

So what I get from that is, God does not magically turn someone into what they wished for.
God gives them chance to be one.
Well, I do ask for patience from Him every single day.
And, perhaps, that’s why, it feels like my patience is being tested every single day.
Not only that, I also ask Him for her to be able to find her love and trust for me deep inside her heart.
Now I wonder, does God gives him the opportunity to find it every single day?
Perhaps, but only she truly knows.

Tomorrow is the most biggest day in this year for me.

But I think I will treat it as another ordinary and normal day.
Although, if miracles could happen, it would be better if it happens tomorrow.
And if it doesn’t happen, well, I know I would be saddened, but whatever.

Even miracles take a little time.

……

Dear Love,

Am I supposed to be patient here?
Honestly, I don’t really understand why you are ignoring me.
You talked to me a week ago like it was nothing.
And for a week after that you completely ignores me, until this very second.
What happened? What changed?
I don’t understand, and it hurts me a lot.

But, well, I keep thinking that there must be something happened.
I don’t know, perhaps by talking to me the flashbacks about what happened to you keep coming?
Perhaps you need some space from me?
Whatever it is, Love, I actually am trying to understand your attitude towards me.
Because, I believe, when someone hurts you, they must have their own reasons.
And instead of hurting them back, it’s better to understand why they hurt me.

And for you, I guess, you just can’t talk to me for whatever reason it is.

I don’t know, Love.
I really want to talk to you, or at least hear something from you.
I want us to talk about your last exam, about your day, about whatever.
That’s that, I don’t want anything else at the moment.
Won’t you talk to me like what you did a week ago?

At least tell me what’s changed.
Being ignored by someone that I love the most without knowing why is the worst torture ever.
Ask yourself, wouldn’t you be wondering day and night if someone ignores you for no reason?
Or for some reason that you yourself don’t even know?

And, like I said in the letter I wrote for you this morning,
I keep wondering on what the universe has in store for me.
I just re-read Oscar Wilde book when I was in plane,
And I found this quote again :

“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise”

And I found myself asking, what’s the actual blessing for me?
For you, yes, both of us could see it clearly.
But for me, I don;t know, all I got from what happened to you is just.. The shattered version of you that just can’t trust me anymore because of what those people did to you.
You could say I fail to see the good of what happened to you in me.

I don’t know, Love. Honestly, what do you think?
Do you think what happened to you brought any good for me?
Because even though I accepted on what happened to you, I just keep wondering what’s in it for me.
I keep wondering if there would be anything good for me that comes out of what happened to you.
And it keeps bugging me, night and day.

Putting those aside, I know you will be having your next final exam a day after tomorrow.
I know you will give it your best.
You’ve promised yourself to pass the subject.
Like I said yesterday, promises are promises, they are weapons.
And they are made to be kept, not to be broken.

One more thing, I won’t get bored reminding you this:
Always remember that I will always be there for you.
If you need help with your study, with your exam materials, I’ll be there.
I promised you, right? I promised you that I will always be there for you.

Always.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


557720

26-01-2016.

13:41
 

“Go for the jugular.
If something scary comes up, go for it. That’s where the energy is.
Otherwise, you’ll spend all your time writing around whatever makes you nervous.
It will probably be abstract, bland writing because you’re avoiding the truth.”

 
I just read that quote about writing.
It’s from a book “Wild Mind, Living the Writer’s Life” by Natalie Goldberg.
And, you know, this quote kind of hit me.
Lately, I avoid writing my rants and just say it straight to her.
Whenever I see that some of my paragraphs feel so.. Naked, or raw, I changed it.

I mean, I do pour out all my thoughts and feelings in my posts.
But I polished my style and my words so the writing would look less raw.
Well, it’s been quite some times since I blindly put my raw feelings to my writings.
Because I thought writings are like gems.
Raw with thoughts and feelings, they are not really that attractive.
Beautiful and inspiring, but not attractive.
They need to be polished so that people would find my writings.. Let’s say readable.

But I forgot that in the process of polishing gems, some part of those gems are lost.
And perhaps, I am just a novice in polishing my gems that I often lost many parts of those gems.
And I also remember what Ernest Hemingway said :
 

“Write hard and clear about what hurts.
Don’t avoid it. It has all the energy.
Don’t worry, no one ever died of it.
You might cry or laugh, but not die.”

 
Hemingway was the master of writing out his pain.
And, uh, Drinking out his pain.
And also.. Shooting out his pain.
That last one was kind of fucked up, but whatever.
Because he did blow his own brains out with a shotgun.
Let’s just say, Hemingway was the master of pain.

The point is,

Lately I have been avoiding pain.
The pain of missing her.
The pain of seeing her struggling.
The pain of thinking on what she has been through.
The pain of being ignored.
The pain from love cravings.

Maybe that’s why lately I often pour out my feelings directly to her.
Even though she mostly ignored me and all.
Because she is the ONLY one that I could trust to share my writings.
She is the ONLY one that can help me to write through my pain.
I should do less polishing with my writings.
And once again let my feelings shine through my writing.
Once again writing through pain.

Although, I admit, it really is not easy to do it.
I could understand why she forgot her words.
Because, when we write through pain, we often afraid to dig deeper.
We often afraid to face our own pain.
That applies to me, too.
I often find myself rushing to details.
To the point of what makes me sad instead of explaining on how it really feels.

I looked at my second poem.
Titled: “Denial, Despair, and Hope”.
It was VERY long, VERY emotional, and just.. Insane.
I could say it was the most emotional poem I have ever written.
I rhymed it by myself, using my own rhyme scheme:

AA BBCC DEDE FGFG HIHI JJ – KLLK MNOONM PQRRQP STUUTS VWWV

And the second most emotional poem I have ever written might be..
The one where I wrote it just after I found out that she lied to me.
Titled: “Lies.”
With every first alphabet on every lines combined to the sentence “Lies Are Lies”.
And with, again, my own rhyme scheme:

AABB CCC DDEE

The feeling was so heartbreaking, I channeled all my sadness there.
One random person said that it was like he was seeing an imaginative souls.
I guess when we write with our raw feelings without thinking of polishing it,
The writing will look even more beautiful than the ones that has polished.

Okay, enough with discussing my own poems.

I remember things about her lost of words.
That she lost all her words, and just barely found it last week.
Like I said in my previous posts, she modified a song to match her feelings.
And she wrote a poem in my native language about what happened to her.
Although I didn’t really get the meaning, and she didn’t even tell me.
But she tried to channel her pain to her words.
And I was super happy. She addressed her feelings.

We should sometimes try to write about our pain and losses.
Maybe we sometimes avoid it, we are afraid that our feelings might resurface.
We afraid that those feelings would once again make us go batshit insane.
But if you do feel like that, I suggest you do it right now.
Write all your feelings.
Not in poems, no. It doesn’t even have to be poetic and all.

Do a freewriting.

Just, write anything.
It’s your writing. It can say whatever you want it to say as long as you write it from your heart.
Write about your pain, about what hurts.
Write about what you are afraid of.
Write about your regrets.
Do NOT stop. Dig deep inside your heart and push through the pain.
It doesn’t even have to make sense!
All you need to do is just write.

The only downside is that freewriting is USUALLY private.
But if you are fortunate to have someone to trust to, show them your writings.
Let them give you their honest feedback.
Just like she gave me her modified songs and poems,
And like me; I usually give her my honest writings directly.
But she don’t usually give feedback; most of the time, she completely ignores me.

But you will be amazed on what you just wrote freely.
What’s more, it will help you releasing your feelings.
It will help you feel better and all.
Perhaps that’s why there’s something called healing through writing.
Speaking of freewriting, I remember she wrote me a letter at our first anniversary.
I asked her about it after I, well, cried happily reading what she wrote for me:

“How can you wrote all of this?”
“This is just.. Beautiful.”
“Where did the words come from?”

“I don’t know, Love.”
“I didn’t even think when I write it.”
“I just poured out all my feelings.”
“I was writing without thinking!”

I wish she would be able to do that again.
Just, to freewrite, to pour out all her feelings in her writing.
I don’t know it’s because she’s busy or she’s afraid to publicize her writings,
But she didn’t even published her last poem that she showed me.
Well, I believe she has her own reasons.

And speaking of, uh, writing things,
I believe she is having an exam right now.
Looking from the subjects, I guess she will need to write essays about theories.
Definitely not from her feelings, tho. From her point of view and understanding, of course.

I prayed for her this morning.
And I hope she would be able to ace today’s exam.

……

Dear Love,

I’m crossing my fingers for you.
I know the exams are very, very important for you.
I believe you will give it your best!

About writing things from heart, I remember the things I wrote for you.
The one I gave you for your birthday.
Like I said, it was the first time I actually write something for someone.
I didn’t even know I could write THAT many.

But you have to know, that in every single paper that I folded for you,
It contains my feelings for you.
Whatever it was that I wrote in each of those colored folded paper,
It really is what I felt when I wrote it.

Without realizing it, your Love, our Love, has taught me to write.
To write things sincerely from my heart.
I guess.. Your ability to write things has passed to me along with your Love.

Love, always remember that I will always be there for you.
Whenever you want to talk about things, whenever you want me to help you.

With your exam materials, with your study, with debating theories, maybe if you want to talk to me about how do you feel, or random things such as how REALLY cool it is that you are able to eat 20 adult servings of pizza all by your own (Honestly this one really is mind-blowingly unbelievable).

I may not always be there WITH you.
But I promise I will always be there FOR you.

Always.
 
Love,
Yours.

 


rumi

Sonnet 5.

 
The words they spoke were distant from civil;
Suffused with defamation and foul lies,
They’re better served as an absurd drivel;
Those perjurers! They’re Judas in disguise!
Although each one of them did give her kiss –
A smooch – a peck on cheek – a hearty smack;
But there was one thing that they did not miss:
To plunge their knives into my lady’s back.
Before she could complain, they did it first;
They wept and acted like they were the ones
Who were wounded! They said: “She IS the worst!”
Yet it was her whose blood profusely runs.
            From betrayal came the worst kind of pain,
            That broke her trust and made her near insane.

 

V.A.C.W.
03:57

 

She thought she knew her once dearest friends well. But she knew nothing at all.
Those betrayer, they were just two-faced people that
Hid their true colors behind a barrier named “friendship”.
I know it’s going to be hard for her to trust me again.
Especially when the ones she trusted the most were the ones that betrayed her.
And I think, the most cruel thing about what happened to her was,
She thought the mistake was hers for trusting them.

Biggest Fear.

 

My biggest fear is not something like death; nor heights, nor confined spaces, nor bugs; no. My biggest fear is, when suddenly, I no longer matters to someone that I love. When suddenly they thought that I’m ugly and all, and my happiness is no longer the air that they breathe.

Because there’s nothing more heartbreaking than giving someone all of your time, thoughts, and feelings – everything – only to realize that because of what other people did to them, they suddenly ignores you; they suddenly forgot their love and trust to you; and you are nothing but a mere distraction in their busy life.

There are 86400 seconds in a day. Eighty-six thousand, four hundred seconds. And yet, they won’t even spare small parts of their time – not even mere 10 seconds – just to ask you how are you doing today; not anymore.

Nothing saddens me and scares me like the thought of me turning into something no better than a speck of dust in in comparison to the rest of the universe;

Her universe.

 

V.A.C.W.
05:01

 

24-01-2016. [2]

23:37

Story time.
My cousin told this to me yesterday.
It started as a random dinner conversation.
She then proceed to said things about her past breakups.
About guys that broke her heart.

Let me just write my conversation with her:

“What’s the story with the guy?”

“Oh it’s.. When I was in my first year of high school.”
“There is this one guy, that I really like.”
“He’s just awesome.”
“You could say it was the first time I really loved someone that much.”
“But I was a fool. A complete fool.”
“He.. Hurt me approximately 8 times.”

“You counted it?”
“And yet you stayed?”

“I can’t helped it! I was young, and – and stupid!”
“I know I was being foolish.”
“I let him hurt me over and over and over again.”
“He went out with another girls and flirting with them.”
“And he didn’t even try to hide it from me.”

“What an asshole.”

“But then something happened.”
“Something that.. Makes me believe in the power of words.”

“Power of words?”
“You said something to him?”

“Yes.”
“No. It was more like.. I cursed him.”
“It was the 8th time he hurt me, as usual, she flirt with another girl.”
“And both of them even said that they should go somewhere together sometimes.”
“I was angry. Totally angry. Hulk.”

“Green?”

“Red.”
“And I let my rage control me.”
“Controlled by rage, I said something to him that I shouldn’t have said:”
“‘You hurt me even though I loved you so much. Fine. We are done. But do NOT ever think you will get another girlfriend. NO. NOT before I got married.'”
“My words were fueled by anger.”
“And yet.. Until this day, the guy has tried to get a girlfriend so many times.”

“He told you on what happened to him?”

“Yes.”
“He messaged me, he was saying sorry and all for what he has done to me.”
“He messaged me few times past 2-3 years.”
“He said since that day, there is not a single girl that would want to get close to him, or even go out and flirt and all with him. He even still remember what I said to him exactly each word!”
“And then he begged me to lift the curse.”
“It’s been 6 years.”
“I didn’t even think that it was a curse! I was angry, I spoke without thinking!
“Ever since I know what I’ve done to him, I really am scared to say something without thinking it first.”
“Words.. Really have power, yes?”

“…. Yeah, they do.”
“I got a story related to that.”
“When my mother was pregnant with my little brother, she didn’t have food cravings. Not at all.”
“And then my sister asked her: ‘mom, aren’t you supposed to have food cravings?'”
“My mom answered with a laugh: ‘no, strangely not. Perhaps you took it. Why don’t you be the one who’s having food cravings?'”
“And guess what happened after that.”

“Your sister got it?”

“She ate the same goddamn food 7 to 9 times a day.”
“And sometimes at night shes having a different kind of food craving.”
“Mostly avocados. But she would eat another thing, too.”
“The strange thing is, my sister didn’t really get fat.”
“You see? My mother didn’t really mean it. She was just joking.”
“But she was saying it.. I don’t know, wholeheartedly?”
“She was happy with her pregnancy, and so she said it from her feelings.”
“And so were you. You said it with your anger.”
“And look what happened.”

“… Scary.”
“No, no, no. I don’t want to say anything stupid without thinking it first next time.”
“Words have power.”
“No, words ARE power.”

“Yep.”
“Written or spoken, all words have power.”
“Especially when you say it out of your feelings.”
“Thanks for reminding me to be careful with my words.”

So, there you go.
I remember I wrote that words have power.
Written, or spoken.
It was a true story; I didn’t made it up.
I guess from my story and my cousin’s story, we all could agree about it.
That words, really have power.

I guess that’s why I write.

I want to channel my love into my writings.
Especially my poems.
I want to put all my feelings into what I write.
I want her to feel my love, my sadness, my yearning, all my feelings;
Just from my writings.

And I hope, she could feel what I feel.

……

Dear Love,

Scary, isn’t it?
When I was talking to my cousin, I instantly remembered you.
You, and our conversation:

“I don’t care with waiting as long as we will be together again in the end.”
“A year, two years, I don’t care.”
“Waiting for two more years for you isn’t really a bad thing after all.”

“No, Love. Not two years.”
“Another six years!”

“Not six years.. Make it two.”

“Nope. No.”
“Six!”

And look what happened.
I don’t know, I guess, what we said really had an impact to us.
Words have power, remember?
And you said six years.
Six bloody years.

Knock on something.
Now. Please.
Three times.

I don’t know if what we said is true and will actually happen.
But I just hope I don’t have to wait for another 6 years for you to be able to trust me.
If you think about it, six years is just absurd.
Knock again. Three times.

I don’t know, Love.
I’m compromising with time.
I’m making it my best friend.
So I could be patient and all in dealing on what we are currently dealing with.

One more thing,
I know you will be having your final exam soon.
Now don’t be afraid of me.
I know last time we talked, I asked for Skype and you didn’t want to.
And I got flashbacks afterwards.

Love, I’m practicing a thing called ‘pause’ right now.

Whenever my feelings or thoughts get the best of me and starts to drive me insane,
I pause.
I let the thought or the feeling pass.
So I won’t act according to my insane brain or my crazy heart.

I promise you I won’t get flustered and having another flashback in front of you.
Like, directly sending messages to you. No, not anymore.
I’ll pause myself.
I promise.

So please, don’t be afraid of me.
Let me help you. I know you will need help in studying the exam material.
It’s almost a week since the last time you talk.
Which means you’ve ignored me for almost a week.

Love, there’s nothing more happier for me than seeing you passing your exams.
Let me help you with whatever it is you are doing.
When I help you with your assignments last time, it went pretty well, right?

Always remember, I will always be there for you.
Whenever you want to talk to me about anything.
Assignments, works, random things, whatever it is.
I WILL be there for you.

Always.
 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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