31-12-2015. [2]

My fever peaked at 40.4° C last night.
I actually am amazed my brain wasn’t fried with fever that high.

I was.. Hallucinating.

I have these glow-in-the-dark stars in my room’s ceiling.
I put them up there back in 2007.

Last night, I felt so weak.
My whole body was aching, it felt like I was beaten up using meat tenderizer.
I was breathing faster than usual.
My chest, my eyes, and my ears were burning.
But my body felt cold on the outside skin.

I saw the stars in my ceiling spinning and blinking very slowly.
And then I saw two shadows, walking together in the middle of the ceiling among the stars.
One of the shadows stopped, sat for a while, and then exploded into bits.
The pieces of it were flying around the other shadow.
The other shadow were starting to shed its skin, showing a face.
Her face.
She was crying with a smile on her face. Slowly walking away.
She then started to cry harder; Bursting into tears.

I held out my hand, trying to reach her.
But of course she was totally out of reach.
I was in bed; She was on the ceiling.
I slowly called her name.
But she’s still crying, harder than before.
I closed my aching eyes for awhile.

And when I opened them, I saw a silhouette of us on my ceiling.
I was totally surprised.
I immediately sat on my bed in shock.
I covered my face with my both hands, and took a second look at the ceiling.

There was nothing but the stars and darkness.
No shadows, no her, no me, no us.

I went back lying in my bed.
My breathing went heavier than before.
And I thought to myself,

“This is stupid.”

I immediately remember what she said about not thinking too much.
Especially on stupid and weird things like hallucination.
But it made me thinking.

At this point in my life, no one is going to truly care about me.
Not even her, because of her condition right now.
She needs to worry about herself more, anyway.
So I decided something.

I have to Love myself.
I need to take care of myself more.
Because, when no one cares, or when we feel so down, ourselves is all that we got.
Other people might care about us, but there will always be a time where it’s just not enough, where we will still want our time alone with ourselves.
It’s just like her.
I do care about her and all, but she still needs a time on her own.
And that is the perfect time for her to start take care of herself.

I’ll make myself happy.
I’ll get a new haircut.
I’ll get that second tattoo I’ve always wanted since years ago.
I’ll wake up late.
I’ll get drunk once in few weeks.
I’ll take a long, hot, comfortable showers.
I’ll write things in my book whenever I feel like it.
I’ll do nothing but lazying around all day long.

Just anything.
I’ll do every single thing necessary to make myself happy.
Just like I always tried to make her happy.
Because, when I think about it, all my insecurities, frustration, and agitation, is because of me lacking Love for myself.
And it’s just kind of the same for her.

She’s been betrayed by her most trusted friends.
Her trust is already gone, shattered to pieces.
Along with her ability to stay in a relationship.

Yesterday she said to me that she’s having a difficulty just to make a decision.
She’s always holding herself back whenever she wants to make a decision.
Which is.. A sign that she just doesn’t completely trust herself.
Perhaps that’s why I think she needs to begin to trust herself.

It’s almost 2016.
I never had any new year resolution before, but right now, I really want some.
So, new year resolution:

– Love myself.
– More patience.
– Read at least 60 books.
– Make her trust me fully and completely.
– Increase my Love to her every single day in 2016.
– Give her some space and time alone whenever she needs it.

… Seems a little bit centered on her.
But, well, I guess it’s perfectly fine.

Although I’m still a little weak to carry myself, I’ll try to enjoy this night as much as I can.

I hope all of you have a very good New Year Eve party tonight.
Happy New Year 2016 in advance!

……
……

Dear Love,

I know you’re having a rough week.
But I hope you’re having a better new year’s eve.
Even though maybe you’re not going anywhere and currently celebrating 2016 with your assignments.

My biggest wish of the year was celebrating 2016 with you.
And hugging you in the middle of fireworks show.
I know you hate fireworks. And I wish I could just come there and hug you, close your ears with my both hands so you’re not scared of those stupid explosive sounds.
But I guess it’s not going to happen tonight.

Love, I know we can’t turn back time.
We can’t un-sing a song that’s sung.
We can’t undone things that have already been done.
Especially what those people have done to you.
We can’t change the past.
But we can always make a better future.
Let’s take a moment to smile, knowing that those awful people have gone from your life.
They don’t deserve you, with all your kindness.

I hope in 2016, your blinder will finally be released.
So you can see that all this time, I always brought bouquets of purple flowers decorated with Love for you, not knives.
I’m not asking you to magically trust me tomorrow in 2016.
I’ll show you that I really am worth your trust and Love.
So you can fully trust and Love me just like what we were 7 months ago.

It takes time.
And both of us need to have patience.
But you’ll get there.
We, will get there.

Happy New Year 2016, Love.
Always remember that I, will always Love you.
More than you’ll ever know.

 
Hugs and kisses,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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