I realized that I can’t completely understand something until it happens to me.
Since last night, I tried to understand betrayal.
I tried to make a poem out of it.
How the effects of it makes someone completely traumatic.
But I can’t.
I felt betrayal once, just not as severe as what she had.
I talked to so many people.
I wrote so many things.
But I just cant give life to my words.
It’s like something is missing.
I read hundreds of articles since months ago.
But I still can’t fully understand what happened with her.
So I tried something else.
Last night until this morning, I talked to some people; Strangers.
One of them was even therapist.
I asked them just how betrayal feels or felt like for them.
What was the effect for them.
And how did they get out of it.
I’m not going to write everything.
It still will be kind of long, though.
I’ll give some summary on their answers from the talks yesterday.
“It was a demolishing feeling. It made me feel really really desperate for approval and attention from other people. It made me feel ultra-nauseous. It totally killed my self esteem and my trust. Basically every fucking thing there was inside me was dead.”
“And? I believe that was not all.”
“It was not. It was as if the whole world was spinning around so fast you can’t even catch up, but you are currently standing still. As if there are invisible strings pinning you down. You are very vulnerable and you have no fucking idea how to cut off the strings and move on.”
“I’m sorry I actually asked you that. How are you now?”
The stranger didn’t answer.
I guess it was too much.
“If anything, it was a great way to lose more than 12 lbs in less than two weeks.
“I guess I kind of know how that feels.”
“It’s just, it was really hard to eat or sleep. I got my fucking heart torn out through my fucking chest.”
“You want to really feel it? Take a knife and just cut out your heart right now.”
I didn’t take the knife.
And then we just talked about casual stupid things.
“Being betrayed is one of the worst things you will ever go through.”
“I felt it once. It was not really severe tho, you could say it was a light one.”
“Just don’t wish for it. Guard your wish. Be careful on what you wish for.”
“You give your heart. And they destroy it all with betrayal. At first you can’t see it or do anything about it to make the pain go away. But there is always a future and the pain doesn’t leave us where we were. I did get over it by valuing myself and thinking more of myself. I began to see the real truth once I went through very long grief process for about a year.”
I didn’t know how to respond, I gave the stranger consolation and said thank you.
“I refused to believe what was happening.”
“And FYI, it’s always the people closest to you.”
“Those you trust the most, are the ones who hurt you the most.”
Oh I could definitely agree with the latter.
“Losing something you’ve trusted leaves a hole in your life and routine.
“I understand most people don’t give their trust to others easily, so the first instinct was to repair the trust I’ve spent so much time building so carefully.”
“My interests changed. My job was a total mess. I even left so much people. My family, my boyfriend, my brother and his wife. Almost literally everyone other than people in my workplace. I left my old place and started to live alone in a new place. I just really wish I didn’t do that. I wasn’t thinking with my brain. I actually left people that can be trusted because it felt like I can’t trust them. It was an idiotic thinking, I know.”
“Is there any special reason you’re asking people about this?”
“Well yeah, it’s because..”
“No way. I’m sorry. I could understand that you love her so much.”
“But on the other hand, I could understand her, too. And you need to tell her that she really needs to see an expert. Don’t worry. She will be fine. For now maybe it’s best to left her alone. You and her will be fine. My gut says so.”
I hope you were right, stranger.
“I had a deep distrust of everyone, including my closest friends, my girlfriend, and even myself.”
“The distrust of myself was especially hard. I felt that if my life was so essentially different from what I thought it was, that all my perception and gut feeling must be the suspect.”
“I learned that all this exceeding vigilance and distrust were just symptoms of trauma, as it made me feel less alone and keep me sane.”
“Did you see an expert? Therapists?”
“Yes, definitely. I believe people won’t even completely understand what is happening with themselves if they just do nothing about it. I could’ve done nothing about it and keep going on, but I know I was different, and I need some help.”
“Are you going through the same thing I went?”
“I’m sorry about that.”
“Was it a trauma?”
“I guess yeah, I’m not an expert, but I bet my therapist would say so. I know that feeling she had. What I felt totally shakes my faith in humanity, too.”
“Hang on there. You and her will get through this. Definitely not unscarred, but I believe she’ll be fine eventually. Both of you will be fine. You love each other anyway.”
“Funny that most people said that too.”
“Because it’s true.”
“Don’t lose what you believe. It’s very important if you want to get through your days.”
It really was.
“I became mistrustful of feelings of love, happiness, and even normal everyday things.
“The betrayal emerged from a condition of what had seemed to be a happy life, so happiness itself became cause for fear and panic.”
“I had to repeat certain phrases or even facts to myself thousands of times (literally) in order to try to distinguish between the feeling that my world was going to fall out again and the actual probability of it happening in that moment.”
“And how did you recover yourself?”
“I realized that what I had was some kind of mental sickness. It was something that I denied hundreds of times. I always felt like I’ve changed and I’m fine, but I finally understood that I can’t stay like this forever.”
“I went to see a therapist.”
“The recovery from betrayal is even harder to describe than the betrayal itself, I can’t really say much about it.”
“But trust me, it was really amazing. It was the time that I felt like the change was real, not the change I had at the time when I was just experiencing my betrayal.”
A shame that the stranger didn’t tell me about their recovery.
This is the therapist I was talking about.
Heck, I don’t even know if he/she is a real therapist.
“Because it was too expensive for a session?”
“That you decided to talk to strangers about your problems.
“Oh, it’s not me, its about…”
“Why don’t you tell your gf to go to therapist?”
“I did, I believe I said something like that to her.”
“But she just don’t have the time, I guess. She took anti-depressants, but that’s all.”
“Everyone always have time for themselves. Anyone who said otherwise is definitely lying.”
“It’s for their own sake anyway.”
“Are you going to tell her all of what you’ve learned from strangers?”
“Not really, I don’t know. Both of us rarely talk after the incident.”
“She said she just wanted to be alone.”
“And she said she is currently moving on.”
“It must be difficult for her.”
“Find a way to tell her. What I found from my patients were, they rarely get help until it’s too late. It is very nice of you to try to understand what happened with her. I could understand that you love her very, very much.”
“But those what you’ve learned won’t matter if you don’t let her know about them.”
“Tell her that she is definitely not fine. It’s just a placebo effect created by her own mind to make her believe that she is perfectly fine. In fact, she is very far from the word ‘fine’.”
“Loss of trust comes in many forms. We lose trust in people, parents, lovers, friends, everyone. Disappointments are an inevitable part of life.”
“The magic itself is within her. It was the trust that shook her, you said? Then she needs to trust herself. Because rebuilding trust starts with trusting in yourself. Over time, she will starts to trust again. Just not now.”
“I begin to doubt you now. Have you talked to her about what happened with her? Communicating your feelings is very very important especially in a case like hers.”
“I tried to talk to her.”
“I said she could talk to me whenever she is ready.”
“But she always said that she will never be ready.
“And I just don’t understand that.”
“Explains why she just wants to be alone. It’s probably part of her personality and past experiences.”
“Tell her to forgive. Not the people who betrayed her. She needs to forgive herself. Almost all the main problem with the cases I faced was, because my patients can’t forgive themselves for trusting the people that betrayed her. Tell her to find a compelling reason to rebuild trust. Especially in you. Because from your story, I could see that you did nothing wrong in related to what happened to her.”
“Trust issues is basically just a fear lingering on. She has experienced hurt in the past, and she thought that it was because she made herself vulnerable. And she just doesn’t want to experience that hurt again. But nothing is ever certain with any form of relationship.”
“I need to go. I’m sorry. You could email me at email@example.com later if you need some advice. Especially for yourself. I know it must be hard for you to see someone you love so much reduced into something else. I will try to help you as much as I can.”
“Good night and good luck.”
I saved the stranger’s email.
I haven’t tried to contact them, tho.
And just many, many, many more that I can’t write all of them here.
“….Being betrayed by the person you least expect is just, brutal.”
“….Shocked beyond belief.”
“….A thousand pieces of glass piercing your heart.”
“….It has totally scarred my soul.”
“….Betrayal is a hard thing to get over and even harder to forgive.”
“….You get extremely paranoid about others and their ability to turn on you.”
“….My defenses went up. It was hard for me to get too close to people.”
“….I said emotional things and I even wrote emotional things in my workplace.”
“….My friend stabbed me in the back and buried me in the hole that I dug.”
“….It is when you can no longer look at a person in their eyes because of what they have done.”
“….Losing trust for someone who was close to you. Actually I was kinda relieved. It revealed their own selfish intentions.”
“….I was even famous for saying ‘I am not into relationships because they bring out my craziness.’ And now I am ashamed of it.”
I actually don’t know why I did all of those.
I tried to understand it.
I really want to understand the pain that she’s been through.
But, just like I said, I just can’t really understand it.
Those strangers were really, really nice.
What the first stranger said was even explains to me why she seeks for approval and attention with her works and community.
But all of them have different responses in dealing with betrayals.
For all of you, if you have experience in something related to what I wrote in this post, do contact me if you want to share something. My email is in the about page.
Or you could just write it as a comment.
And honestly, I could see her in every single one of them.
Except the therapist.
It was like she has split to many strangers and talked to me many times.
I barely get enough sleep thinking about what happened to her.
Like I said, again, I really, really want to understand.
I do understand, just not fully understand.
So, the conclusion?
Personally, I still think that she is going through depersonalization.
Other than that, I will let you lot decide.
I don’t know why I am trying to understand what you’ve been through.
Perhaps because.. I want you to share your pain with me.
I really don’t want you to go through all this alone.
You, of all people, one of the person that I really love the most.
Perhaps it was folly.
Or maybe it was amazing because I’m trying to understand everything.
Or maybe what those strangers said gave you an enlightenment on yourself.
Whichever it was, know that I did it just because I love you and care about you.
And nothing else.
I need to get some sleep. No, plenty of it.
Honestly I want to write something more, but I’m just too tired.
I’ll do it when I wake up later.
Don’t forget to get plenty of rest yourself!
Go to sleep!
Oh, and, before you or I go to sleep, someone actually asked me this,
“What’s with all those Love poems? There are so many flavours in this world. Friendship, nature, life, death, and many more. Why don’t you write something else?”
I answered with,
“My Love is my muse. She’s the poetry. The most beautiful poetry in the world that is still learning alphabets. So I merely wrote her; I merely gave life to her in my poems.”
I hope it wasn’t too cheesy for your liking.
Yes, like I said numerous times: you are, my muse.
My very definition of Love.