27-12-2015.

03:31

It’s a full moon tonight.
I don’t remember seeing a full moon on days around Christmas.
But again, I just started this stargazing habit since a year ago.

A habit that I never once told her about it.

I remember that day when I was sleeping next to her.
I woke up thirsty.
She was asleep.
I drank some water and looked outside the window.
It was 4 am; I tried to look for the stars.
But the lights around the city were too bright.
The stars were nothing but bunch of very faint lights in the sky.
I thought to myself,

“The view’s beautiful. The moon might be hiding, and I might not be able to see the stars from here, but the city lights are also fine.”

I looked at her.
The faint city lights were lighting up her face.
Her sleeping face.
I smiled and thought to myself once again,

“And here I got her, someone more beautiful than the moon and the stars, and of course, the city lights.”

I went back to bed and kissed her eyes.
It was one of the most perfect moment in my life.

And usually, I drink coffee while sitting on the roof and stargazing.
Although I skipped my coffee today.
I’m currently drinking a tea.
Yesterday, I got the worst caffeine rush ever.
I made my coffee too thick.

My heart was beating faster.
And I got overloaded focus.
My chest and stomach was kind of hurting all the time.
And I didn’t even get enough sleep.
Well, I still got one poem out of it.
So I’d say it was kind of worth it.
But I decided to skip a coffee for tonight.
It’s cold out here, but a cup tea will do just fine.

Anyway, I talked to another stranger yesterday.
If you wonder why do I keep talking to strangers you should perhaps read my previous posts.
The point is, I got no one to talk to about my problems.
At least not anymore.

So, yeah, I talked to a stranger.
I gave them a summary of what happened to me.
And then they asked me some questions,

“Wait, you love her?”
“Yes.”
“She loves you?”
“Yes.”
“And were you guys happy?”
“Very.”
“Then why? It doesn’t makes sense”

Why? Why indeed.
I explained to them what happened.
And the response was :

“She seemed to be very deeply shaken up. You know, I don’t think she needed friends, companies, or distractions. I think she needed a psychiatrist more than anything.”

Oh, I don’t know about that, stranger.
I just don’t understand about this psychiatrist thing.
I said to them it’s kind of funny that her trust to me vanished in a single day.
And I didn’t even do anything.

She was so close beside me.
I could even still feel her breath on my face when she was sleeping next to me.
And she’s so far now.

Sad? Well of course I am.
People always look at me and telling me that I look sad and tired.
Why do they always like to point the obvious?
Yes, I am sad, and tired; Not physically tired.
And somewhat hurting.
It’s just, because of the unfairness.
If I could, I would whine about this unfairness every single day.
Why does everything just seems so unfair ?

I just don’t know about anything anymore.
All I want is just be happy with the person I love the most.
Is that so hard?

At time like this, I wish the moon could talk to me.
Or even the stars, eventhough they are so far away.
And I don’t know what am I trying to accomplish by talking to them.
Because I literally am, talking to them.

Eventhough they can’t talk, and probably can’t hear me.
They still see billions of people everyday from up there.

And they could still keep secrets with their silence.

……

Dear Love,

Yes, I literally did what I wrote.
I don’t know if you were awake at that time when I kissed you.
But I don’t think you were.

Yes, you might have changed.
The pain might have changed you.
Or not.
Maybe it was just merely what you feel.
Maybe you’re just too afraid and all.

I don’t know, Love.
I don’t really know.
But know this.
You kept saying that you’re not the same person as you were before that happened.
But it’s not about how I want you to become like what you were.
Do you remember what I said few days after that happened?
I said,

“Yes, you are undergoing change. For better or worse. But I just don’t care. I will still love you for what you are just because you are you. And nothing can change that.”

And yet you said nothing after I said that.
Let me say this once again.
I love you NOT because I want you to become what you were.
My love to you isn’t that shallow.
I love you, just because you are simply you.

So keep this well in your heart and mind :
I love you for all that you are.

For what you were, what you are, and what you are about to be.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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