25-12-2015.

“Do it.”

“No.”

“Don’t you miss her?”

“You know very very well that I do.”

“Then what the hell are you waiting for?”

“But she might be busy and-”

“Message her. Right about now.”

“Goddamnit.”

 


Hey.
What are you doing?


 

“What in the world was that? You supposed to say something else other than that!”

“Then why don’t you message her? You seem to be better at this.”

“Give me the bloody phone. Let me-

“No. Stay there. I’m not going to let you do this.”

“Then at least message something better than that. Why don’t you just tell her what you really feel?”

“It’s not that simple. Do you remember what she said? She will reply as long as it’s not talking about our relationship.”

“I remember that, but still, saying what you really feel is technically not talking-“

“Oh, she replied.”

“Give me that stupid phone!”

 


Hey.
What are you doing?
……
Still in uni.
Too lazy to go back home.


 

“Look at this. Now what? Shit.”

“… There.”

“What did you write?”

 


Hey.
What are you doing?
……
Still in uni.
Too lazy to go back home.
……
Deadlines?
Why too lazy?


 

“Those were double questions.”

“Thanks, captain obvious. Everyone could see that those were multiple question.

“But that was okay. I thought you’d ramble shitstorm about feelings.”

“I’ll do that after this.”

“What? No. What if she’s angry and all? We both don’t know how she really feels deep inside.”

“Take the jump? Which one do you prefer, being silent and holding to those feelings, or tell her the real feelings that you have, your truest feelings?”

“That.. She knows how I feel. Every inch of it; Every nook and cranny. She knows.”

“Yeah, but you stopped saying how much you Love her since few weeks ago.”

“But I wrote it! I wrote all of my true feelings! You helped me, you imbecile. Fine, I don’t know if she’s read all of them or not, but I wrote them. Those are my truest feelings.”

“And? Are you satisfied with that?”

“No. But what else can I do? She definitely don’t want me to say Love directly to her. Or maybe she does. God, I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

“Keep rambling. let me reply this for you.”

“What the fuck are you- give me that!”

“No! You’ll ruin the tempo!”

 


Hey.
What are you doing?
……
Still in uni.
Too lazy to go back home.
……
Deadlines?
Why too lazy?
……
I’m home now.
……
Oh? That was fast.
What are you going to do now?


 

“Looks like not everyone can see that those were two questions. She answered it with one slightly unrelated answer. This is not good. We should stop bothering her after this.”

“Ugh. It was your fault anyway for not saying anything about your feelings. And look what you’ve done. You should just say that you miss her and all in one message instead of asking how she’s doing. You already did that the first time.”

“Shut up. You’re bloody noisy. What do you want me to do? What’s your big idea, genius? Tell me.”

“Give me the phone. Good. Now. Let me write this : ‘I don’t know what am I trying to accomplish by messaging you even though I know you’re busy. But I just can’t hold this back any longer. I miss you. I miss you I miss you and I miss you. Why don’t you come back here and let me Love you? I’m not going to kill you or anything. Don’t be afraid to-“

“Are you barking mad? Give me that. Just give me. No.”

“No. Don’t. What are you- YOU DELETED IT! NO!”

“This is better.”

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! That was perfect! And you ruined it! I wrote those for you because you didn’t want to and now you deleted it?! Un-fucking-believable.”

“Whatever. Hush now. She replied.”

 


Hey.
What are you doing?
……
Still in uni.
Too lazy to go back home.
……
Deadlines?
Why too lazy?
……
I’m home now.
……
Oh? That was fast.
What are you going to do now?
……
Doing assignments. Just like always.
……
Okay.
Have you eaten anything today?


 

“See? She’s busy. Just like what I said.”

“Doesn’t mean that we can’t pour out our feelings to her. And you only asked her if she’s already eaten something. That’s a care you did. A simple care. Subtle, but that was a good start. Now, continue to say what you feel inside!”

“You’re persistent, aren’t you?”

“You bet I am. You know me. You know how persistent I can be. That’s the reason why you still Love her since years ago until this very moment.”

“… I guess you’re right.”

“Does that mean you will start to write your true feelings to her this time?”

“Yes. Always. Just not directly. Like I said, I’ll let my writings shout my Love to her. I’ll let my writings describe me.”

“I think I heard the latter somewhere.. Now where did I heard – oh look, she replied.”

“Give me the phone. Stay away from this.”

“How could you-“

 


Hey.
What are you doing?
……
Still in uni.
Too lazy to go back home.
……
Deadlines?
Why too lazy?
……
I’m home now.
……
Oh? That was fast.
What are you going to do now?
……
Doing assignments. Just like always.
……
Okay.
Have you eaten anything today?
……
Yep. I had my lunch.
……
Okay. Don’t forget to have your dinner! (:
……
I’ll have it later.
……
Alright (:


 

“There. Done. No more questions.”

“Give me the phone, just let me write one sentence about how much you yearn for-“

“Stop. Let’s go to sleep.”

“But I still want to say-“

“Sleep. We’re tired. Okay?”

“No.”

“Okay. Read our last book?”

“Anything but sleeping.”

“We’ll going to fall asleep anyway.”

 

…………
……….
……..
……
….

 

“… Phone. Where’s the goddamn phone?”

“Oh, well I’ve just.. You know..”

“What are you- no way. No. Fucking. Way. GIVE ME THAT!”

“But I haven’t finished in-“

“Shut up.”

 


No matter how hard I tried, I just can’t stop thinking about us.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m feeling the unfairness everyday.
The injustice of loving someone who loved you back but can’t due to deadness.
Can’t we just start over and being together once again?
Can’t we just do something about it? Instead of waiting until we don’t know when it is? You know how it feels for me.


 

“Wow. Thanks, genius. You’re good at ruining things.”

“Saying what you really feel inside is called ruining things?”

“At this point? Well, yes, you moron. I just don’t know about this anymore. Here. Have the phone.”

“You made the right choice! I’ll resolve this. Don’t worry. Look, she replied.”

“Keep wishing.”

 


….. just do something about it? Instead of waiting until we don’t know when it is? You know how it feels for me.
……
I never asked you to wait for me I’m moving with my life. And I expect you to do the same. Moving means not to rewind the things before everything happened.
……
How can I walk and just move on? I keep stumbled on every little thing about you.
I did nothing yet I’m forced to accept every single thing. I’m forced to do this and that; Things that I really don’t want to.
I just don’t know what to do. It might be easy for you, but it isn’t for me.
A part of me told myself numerous times that you’ve been through horrible horrible thing, and I should let you go for now and just look at what future has in store for us.
But the other part of me just don’t want to accept anything. It’s just straight unfair for me.
……
Because you always think that I’m still the same person. And I’m not.
……
I’m not waiting for you. I know you don’t like to have someone waiting for you.
It’s just, I did so much, I sacrificed things. And then something happened and that made you can’t stay in a relationship.
Let me ask you a question.
If you were me, aren’t you going to be in pieces now?
……
I would be. But I’ll move on. Because I just can’t be what I was months ago before it happened.


 

“She keeps saying something that I already understand. I said start over and she ignored that. I bloody know she’s changed. But she just don’t understand that it doesn’t matter.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“She’s changed. Okay. But at least she could agree to start over. Because what really matters is her. I don’t fucking care if she’s changed. I still want her. I still Love her with all her flaws.”

“You should stop now. You’ve said enough.”

“I’m.. I’m not done yet.”

“Just- You stupid gnat. Give me the phone. Let me do this…. You’re not fighting? Huh. Are you okay?”

“….. I.. My hands are shaking. I just.. I don’t know..”

“Let me clear the mess you made. Calm yourself down.”

 


……. But I’ll move on. Because I just can’t be what I was months ago before it happened.
……
I don’t know what the future has in store for us.
You said it just have to be this way. I just don’t like giving up to situation. I really hate that.
And, believing in magic, eh? I stopped believing in magic since years ago.
But I’m ready to believe in anything right now.
Right now, it’s like I’m playing with a bitter pill in my hand. I don’t know if I should swallow it or not.
But perhaps, sometimes even I have to drink the pill. Even if I have to choke on it numerous times.
……
My dentist once told me that letting go is like pulling a tooth. When it was pulled out, you’re relieved, but how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just because it was not hurting you doesn’t mean you did not notice it. It leaves a gap and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take a while, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you so much pain. Therefore, move on and let go.


 

“…. This quote is kind of wrong.”

“Which one? Oh, it’s from her. Let me see……… Was it dentist that pulled your ‘tooth’?”

“You know the answer.”

“Let me reply. Just let me do it. Let me let me let me !”

“Be my guest. I already said what I wanted to say.”

 


……. No, because it was causing you so much pain. Therefore, move on and let go.
……
Don’t teach me about moving on and letting go. I know just how to do that.
I’m going to say this one more time; Remember this very very well : If it was something I did, I will swat it like a petty fly flying around my face.
But I did nothing. It was unfair.
It was not a dentist. It was someone else that pulled the tooth from me; A goddamn healthy tooth. I wasn’t in pain when they were about to pull the tooth.
And I still have to shut my mouth and pretend it wasn’t hurting at all. Pretend like it was fair.


 

“You see, it’s like she doesn’t understand. She kept saying that I should move on, let go and shits. It’s like she is literally OVERLOOKING the bloody fact that it was all unfair; That all I want to do is to Love her with whatever she is. And she kept saying that she’s changed and all too; That I want her to be like whatever she was. That was NOT the fucking point. I don’t want her to be like she was before that happened. By God, how in the Queen’s name should I explain it to her? She-“

“Stop. Okay. Just stop it. Now, calm down. Look, let’s stop bothering her, okay? Let whatever we said sink in to her heart and her head. We said enough. Yes, I miss her. But let me yearn for her in silence. My writings are already loud enough for her to hear. My writings are screaming right beside her ears for me. If you listen good enough you can hear them shouting in their own language; Language of Love. At least I think so.”

“….. Has anyone told you that you’re good at describing your feelings in poetic way?”

“None. And I’m not good at it.”

“You just did it right in front of me. Without you even realize it.”

“The point is, I gave her subtle care and she replied. That was good enough for me. We should’ve stopped at that. Yet you rambled without second thinking. Yes, I do miss her a lot. But let’s leave her for now, okay? Like I said, I believe she completely understands how much I Love her and how much I yearn for her.”

“…… Right.”

“It hurts. I know. And you’ve already broken to pieces. Be proud of yourself that you and I can still feel Love this hard towards her after you’ve been broken. She failed to do that. What happened to her was too much. We should respect that. She might be afraid to Love. Or even to herself. She needs time to find her Loving self.”

“…….. I’m sorry that I did something stupid. I guess you succeeded in preventing us doing something even more stupid.”

“I already did something stupid by messaging her in the first place. You won. You see, You’ve always won since years ago. There’s not a single case where I won from you.”

“You’re weak.”

“You’re weaker. You’ve broken to pieces. Now shut up. And repeat what I said to you.”

“……. In a match between me and you; Between Heart and Brain, I will always win; Heart will always win.”

“That’s right. Now let’s write some more for her.”

“You sure?”

Heart, letting go doesn’t mean loving less. We did nothing wrong. And we just don’t know what tomorrow will bring. She will find her way back. Just believe. Now, which one do you prefer, staying here doing nothing, or use the Love to write things instead of burying it deep like years ago?”

“This time, you know the answer.”

“Good. Shall we write something?”

“With pleasure. Merry Christmas, Brain.”

“Merry Christmas, Heart.”

 



 

That short story was not literally what happened inside me.
Close, but not the same.
What happened inside me was more.. Chaotic.
But that summed myself up pretty good.

And yes, since many years ago, my heart have always been won.

To you lot, I wish you all a merry Christmas filled with hope and miracle!

…….

Dear Love,

I know it was kind of silly.
But that short story was really happened inside me.
I’m sorry if it felt like I disturbed you.
I was just, like what I wrote, stuck between saying what I really feel and just giving you a slight care.
And as you already knew, I chose both of them anyway.

I know that it is not a holiday season for you.
You still got assignments to do.
I even remember that you said weeks before new year is your busiest time of the semester.

Take a good care of yourself, will you?
Get plenty of rest whenever you can.
And don’t stay up late for something unimportant.
Most importantly, don’t forget to eat!
I’ll go there and feed you myself if you dare to skip your daily meal ever again.

I know you’re not celebrating Christmas, but I’ll still say it nonetheless:

Have a wonderful Christmas filled with Love, Hope, and Miracle.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


greatlove.png

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