24-12-2015.

00:03

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Huh? Nothing, why?”

“You’ve changed. Something happened, right? What is it?”

“Tell me what’s changed.”

“It was just a hunch. You look different than you were months ago. You write something in your book a lot. You rarely speak something. And you rarely smile recently. You avoid people like they are plagues. You sat here writing things since hours ago.”

“Are you sleepy? It’s late. You’re blabbering nonsense. As you can see I’m perfectly fine.”

“And you lost weight. A lot. Plus. there are bags under your eyes. Honestly? You look like a mess. You look tired. Not the physical one, tho.”

“No, I’m fine. I’m just having trouble sleeping recently. And I have something in my mind that’s been bugging me. That’s that.”

“What you’ve been thinking?”

“Oh it’s nothing, it’s just about work.”

“If you say so. Just take care of yourself, okay? Get plenty of rest.”

And she went to her room.

It was a conversation between me and my sister.
We don’t meet that often.
She lives out of town with her husband.
Yet she was able to see that something’s wrong with me.

I haven’t looked at myself in the mirror since days ago.
Do I look that bad?
Perhaps I need to polish my mask better.
So that people would just carry on and think that I’m perfectly fine.

It’s not like I’m being stubborn or whatever.
But it feels like no one will understand me or her if I tell people about me and her.
If they would just shut up and listen, it would be better.
But they won’t do that.
They will say something about it.
They will mock me about it.
Because, let me tell you, almost all people around here have this kind of mindset :

“What I do not understand does not exist.”

Usually that kind of mindset can be found in parents and elderlies.
And closed minded people; Which is basically almost all the people around here.
And I hate it so bloody much.

Maybe that’s the reason why I talked to strangers.
And the reason why am I being anonymous.

I believe I talked about this in one of my previous post.
But, I’ll write about it again.
I know what most people would say to me if I tell my story to them.
It’s easy to guess, just because they are so cliché :

“Are you stupid?”
“Just look for another girl. Simple.”
“Don’t use your personality as a shield.”
“She’s just selfish as fuck. Really.”
“How could she? Why did she do that?”
“You deserve better.”
“She’s cheating on you. 100%. She’ll reap what she sow.”
“Just let God handle it.”

Or another even more cliché responses :

“Oh, It’ll be fine.”
“I’m sorry on what happened to you. Be strong!”
“You’ll get through this.”

Yeah. Right.
I couldn’t care less about those responses.
Well, doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate those answers. I do.

It’s just.. I honestly do not need consolation.
Maybe I do, but, all I want is someone that could understand completely on what happened to me and her.
Which is impossible, I know.
Who on Earth would be able to understand both of us completely?
At this point, not a single human being could.

Yes, I won’t deny that what happened with me, with her, and with our relationship is really complicated.
I believe she understands this very well herself.
I remember what she said to me,

“I don’t know what happened with us. If I do, I will surely talk to you about it. But right now all I want is just to be left alone.”

So, does she finally understands what is happening with me and her?
She still doesn’t want to talk deeply to me about me and her.
It’s like she’s avoiding me everytime I want to talk about it.
And actually I stopped talking to her about what happened to me and her since days ago.
I’m going to say that she still doesn’t understand.
Me? Of course I don’t bloody understand.

All I know, she does have fear, love, and trust issues.
That’s that.

Does life, or even the Universe ever get any more straightforward than this?

6 years.
Six bloody years.

Oh well.
Let’s turn this energy into writing poems while I can.

……

Dear Love,

Do you think we are being played at?
That was not a serious question.
Laugh at it if you want.
I did.

Like I said, I do need to polish my mask.
I’m out of stock for smiling masks, tho.
I’ll make some of them before new year.

On a more serious note, I believe you agreed on what I said.
Some people are just don’t want to try to understand what they don’t know.
Just because they thought it’s impossible.
Something like depression won’t exist in their dictionary.

And that’s exactly why I never tried to explain what is happening with me.

Say, get some rest, will you?
You need to get plenty of rest.
So am I, I know. I will go to bed before 3 am.

One more thing.
Before you sleep, take just a little bit portion of your fear.
Whisper to it.

“I don’t fucking need you anymore.”

And throw it away.
Don’t let it bury the Love in your heart for too long.

Always have Faith.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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