I’m currently having the worst feeling since weeks ago.
And I need to rant.
I need to calm myself down.
Maybe it’s because I wrote that thing for her yesterday?
I’m not sure.
All I know, the feeling’s so bad, I don’t want to do anything today.
I’m stuck between stupid choices.
between messaging her and not.
I’m afraid that I’d torture myself more if I message her, because I know that she’s busy.
But If I don’t, I’m torturing myself more and more, too.
This is stupid.
This is why I hate sleeping.
Because whenever I wake up, it’s like there’s a void in the pit of my stomach.
And today it’s the worst since weeks.
Sometimes I think that I should stop writing.
It helps me a LOT, but I really don’t know what am I trying to accomplish.
All I know is that I’m letting my thoughts and feelings out.
Just because I don’t want to go insane after what happened to me.
I remember what she said a month after that happened,
“Just leave me alone. I need to keep my sanity. I just don’t want to fall into madness. I don’t want to be insane.”
I could understand this.
Alright, she went through something so so bad, she needs her time alone.
Just to keep herself sane.
And I don’t know if she realized this, but,
When she chose to give up and walk away from me; When she insisted to leave me,
I gradually lost my sanity.
Just like I said in yesterday’s post, my sanity is hanging on a frail thin thread.
And I’m struggling to keep it from reaching its breaking point.
When I think of it, it’s kind of stupid.
What other people did to her, made her almost lose her sanity.
And now, what she did to me makes my sanity hanging on the edge of madness.
It’s like an unbreakable chain.
Does this mean I have to make someone fall into insanity so I’ll finally get better?
No. Of course not.
It was an idiot thought.
I need to have Faith.
Faith that everything between me and her is going to be okay.
Perhaps that’s why I asked santa to give me Faith.
I know she needs it more than I do.
But, at time like this, perhaps I need it more than she does.
And I don’t want santa to give me the Faith.
I want her to just come to me.
And say that everything about me and her is going to be fine.
But to do that, she needs Faith.
That’s why I said she needs the Faith way more than I do.
I want her to give me the Faith.
That’s the only thing I really need right now.
And nothing else.
I’m sorry I rant a lot recently.
I have to let it all out.
And I’ve calmed down now.
I don’t know what was happening to me.
You said to me, find something that I could cherish.
It might not be you, it might not be our relationship, it might not be my family, but I need to find something.
And at this point, I really don’t know what to cherish.
It’s like, I can’t even find a reason to cherish my very own existence.
Yes, it really was felt that bad.
It’s like I went into the state I was few weeks ago.
When I felt that life is just so bleak and unimportant.
You know, this is one of the reason I hate myself.
Like I said, when I Love someone or something, I give them ALL that I have.
That, as you might be able to see, there is almost nothing left on me.
I left them, I left myself on you.
Someone said to me once,
“Oh? It’s a good trait, you know. There are not that many people that want to give all that they have when they Love something or someone. Realize that what you have is something so rare and precious. Keep doing it. Spread kindness. Be proud of yourself.”
I’m not going to deny that it is indeed a good trait.
I realized since years ago that I could NEVER take someone I Love for granted.
Should I say hooray right now for being too altruistic?
It is my weakness. And I know it all too well.
And I remember a quote I read across the internet, it’s more like a letter :
“My dear, Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.”
I know it doesn’t necessarily means about Loving someone.
But it doesn’t necessarily means that it’s not about Loving someone, either.
So, whom do I Love? You.
Am I going to let you kill me? Yes.
Literally? Uh, perhaps. Depends.
I believe you’re just like this.
Deny it now, but I know you’re a Lover.
You were just killed by those that you Loved.
That event broke you.
And it made you unable to believe in Love.
Although you really are still the very same person you were born with.
Maybe that’s why I asked santa to give Faith for you.
I know none of us got chimneys in our home.
But, at this point, I just believe that miracle doesn’t come through chimneys.
It will come in the most subtle way possible.
It will seep into your heart without you even realize it.
It will change your mind to listen to your heart even if its just a little bit.
So you could change your stubborn “I can’t..” to “Maybe if..” or even “I can.”
It’s almost Christmas.
I guess there’s nothing wrong to believe in Christmas miracle.
After all, it’s the essence of the Christmas itself.
Hope. And miracle.
I know you might laugh about it.
Or you might just sneered at it.
Or think something like “I don’t have time for this stupid dreamy shit he’s hoping. I’m busy.”
But, look at me, will you?
Look at us.
And this time, just believe in yourself.
Believe in your true feelings.
Believe in the things that you’re too afraid to believe just because of what happened to you.
I’m not asking you to believe in fairytales.
I’m asking you to believe in us.
In you and me.