21-12-2015

06:41

I can’t sleep.
I’ve been lying in my bed for straight 5 hours.

And my mind just really love to screw around with me.

I keep thinking about what happened to her months ago.
I don’t know what made me think of this.
But I need to write it down.
It’s like a scene is playing in my head.
A scene about me and her after “that” happened to her.


 

Me and her were in a room.
The room was kind of dark and cold.
She was sitting on the floor.
Everytime I tried to approach her, she moved away, keeping away her distance from me.
I talked to her.

“Love?”

She looked at me, with tears flowing down from her eyes.
I asked her one more time.

“Are you okay?”

She answered again. With silence.
I tried to talk to her again.

“I know what happened to you. Let those assholes go. They just can’t be trusted. It was not your fault. Just let me-“

“Trust no one and I’ll be safe.” She suddenly answered.

“What?”

I was shocked.
What happened to her?

“What do you mean?”

“…………..”

“Don’t say that. You know me. You still have me. You still have us. You can trust me. I won’t do anything to-“

“There’s always a lie in believe.”

I looked at her.
She was just staring at me with her bloodshot wet eyes.
I was completely puzzled.

“I won’t lie to you. I told you everything about me, right? And you can trust me. I won’t harm you. I love you. You know that well. You DO know that. And you love me. We both know that.”

“Loving relationship does not exist.”

I lost my patience.
I was half angry and half confused.
All I wanted to do was help her and love her.
Yet she treated me like I was about to kill her.

“Do NOT say that. What do you mean? Then what are we? What about our relationship? If you didn’t trust me we won’t have this wonderful relationship. It does exist !”

But she just ignored me.
And she started to chant those words she said earlier in low voice.

“Trust no one and I’ll be safe. There’s always a lie in believe. Loving relationship does not exist. Trust no one and I’ll be safe. There’s always a lie in believe. Loving relationship does not exist. Trust no one and I’ll be safe. There’s always a lie in believe. Loving relationship does not exist. Trust no one and I’ll be safe. There’s always a lie in….”

I looked at her in disbelief.
What kind of madness happened to her?
What is happening right now?
What made her like this?

I raised my voice.

“Love, please.”

“Trust no one and I’ll be safe. There’s always a lie in believe. Loving relationship does not exist. Trust no one and I’ll be safe. There’s always a lie in believe. Loving relationship does not exist. Trust no one and I’ll be safe. There’s always a lie in believe. Loving relationship does not exist. Trust no one and-“

“Don’t be like this. Don’t listen to yourself! Listen to me! What you are saying is NOT true!”

She shook her head and continued to chant, her voice getting louder and louder.

“Trust NO ONE and I’ll be safe. There’s always a LIE in believe. Loving relationship DOES NOT exist. Trust NO ONE and I’ll be safe. There’s always a LIE in believe. Loving relationship DOES NOT exist. Trust NO ONE and I’ll be safe. There’s always a LIE in believe. Loving relationship DOES NOT exist. Trust NO ONE and I’ll be safe. There’s always a LIE in believe. Loving rela-“

“LISTEN. TO. ME. You are spouting NONSENSE! Don’t let what people did to you changed your view! STOP IT!”

It was no use.
She covered both her ears and keep shaking her head.
She keep chanting the words like a mantra, screaming, and crying.

“TRUST NO ONE AND I’LL BE SAFE! THERE’S ALWAYS A LIE IN BELIEVE! LOVING RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT EXIST! TRUST NO ONE AND I’LL BE SAFE! THERE’S ALWAYS A LIE IN BELIEVE! LOVING RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT EXIST! TRUST NO ONE AND I’LL BE SAFE! THERE’S ALWAYS A LIE IN BELIEVE! LOVING RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT EXIST! TRUST NO ONE AND I’LL BE SAFE! THERE’S ALWAYS A LIE IN BELIEVE! LOVING RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT EXIST! TRUST NO ONE AND I’LL BE SAFE! THERE’S ALWAYS A LIE IN BELIEVE! LOVING RELATIONSHIP DOES NOT-“

I went speechless.
I cried.
I felt so powerless and useless.
What happened to her fully clouded her heart and eyes.
She failed to see beyond the effect of the betrayals.

I covered both my ears with my hands.
I closed my eyes.
I didn’t want to see her suffer, I wanted to help her.
But she wanted no help from me.
How can betrayals made someone’s point of view so cynical and bitter?

Just, how?

I opened my eyes a little bit.
I heard her muffled voice through my hands.
She was still chanting the same thing.
She was still crying.

I closed my eyes and my both ears tighter than before.

And I let my tears ran dry.

 


That scene was playing in my head.
It was somehow terrifying for me.
It was like she went insane for weeks.
And what happened to her really changed her point of view.

I wanted to write a poem about it.
I might. Just not right now.
I really want to sleep.

This is the third time I wrote about how I imagine things related to what happened to her.
The first was this long poem.
The second was on this post where I pictured her heart after what happened to her.

When I think of it, it does explains why her Love to me is buried in fear.
She’s afraid to bring her feelings up to surface.
I really can’t blame her on what happened to her.
It was not her fault.
Those people really just can’t be trusted.

Like I said, she deserves something better.
After all that happened, she still managed to smile.
Even though I completely knew that her smile was almost merely a mask.
The world was her stage.
She deserves to be Loved better.

Perhaps that’s why my Love to her hasn’t changed since years ago.
Not the slightest tiniest bit.
If any, my Love to her only grow stronger and stronger each day.

I don’t know what she thinks about it right now.
Honestly, I do see her getting better and better.
But I just don’t know what she’s currently thinking.
Does she still afraid to bring her Love out?
Does she still afraid to trust me?
Is she still afraid to turn her attention towards me?
Is she denying herself of her feelings?
I just don’t know the answer.
But at this point, I would say yes to all the questions.

For you lot, let me tell you this.
Do NOT ever betray the ones you Love and the ones that Love you.
Do NOT ever stab them in the back.

I have seen with my both eyes what betrayal(s) could do to a person.
How betrayal(s) changed someone’s point of view so drastically.
She was one of the most loving and caring person I have ever met.
I believe she still is.
But she really did said those three sentences to me over and over again.
Never betray the ones that you Love and the ones that Love you.
Just don’t.
You will never know how much your stupid actions can affect someone.
You will never know until you walk in their shoes.

For the third and the last time in this post,
NEVER ever betray the ones that you Love and the ones that Love you.

Sigh.

……

Dear Love,

Don’t worry about me.
I will get plenty of sleep after this.
It was not like I don’t want to sleep.
I wanted to, I just can’t.
That stupid scene was playing in my head and I have to write it down.
I guess my imagination was running wild in my head.

Maybe you will ask yourself,
“Why does this idiot man still Loves me even after what happened to me?”
Why? I don’t know.
I Love you since years ago.
Plus I know your Love for me exist since years ago.
You said it yourself.
And that’s all I know.

I want to say these three things:
1) Do not be afraid to trust me.
2) I won’t lie to you. I told you everything about me, remember?
3) Loving relationship does exist. Just look at us.

Yes, I said those 3 things to you countless times.
You must be bored reading those by now.
But I meant it.
I don’t know how you feel about me.
All I know, you’re just afraid of thinking about us.

I will repeat what I said in my previous post.

Do not be afraid of me.
I am not a monster.

I know you might say, “I can’t.”
But I just want you to know that I am still the same person you knew.
I’m still the same person that can be trusted.
I’m still the same person that opened up all my bad things to you.

Most importantly,
I am still the very same person you fell in Love with.

And I am still madly, deeply in Love with you.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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