21-12-2015. [2]

21:03

I was deleting unnecessary pictures from my phone.
It was the biggest mistake I made today.

I found our photo.

It was when we were waiting for a bus together.

I cursed to myself.
I quickly moved the photo to my Google Drive folder.
But it was kind of too late.
It hurts like hell.
I miss her so.

It was like I’m drowning in a pool filled with water so black,
the blackness itself could swallow me whole.
I can feel the darkness around me sapping my strength as my body is being torn apart to pieces.
I was suffocating, grasping for breath; Her breath.
I let out a muffled and bubbly scream; Shouting her name.
My soul joined me, screaming, it was writhing in pain, demanding for its missing half.

Sigh.
I know it’s no use whining like this.
It will only hurt both of us. Me, and her.
I know she’s hurting herself too knowing me struggling like this.
But on the other hand, If I didn’t let my feelings out, I’ll surely went insane.
Right now, my sanity is hanging on a thin thread.

I miss her. I want to talk to her.
I want her to at least care for me. Even if it’s just a little bit.
I know she just can’t bring her Love for me to the surface at this time.
But I could use a little care.
I could definitely use a little affection.

I don’t know how I keep my sanity other than writing and reading.
Even both of those are just barely enough for me to get through my day.
Yes, I am hopelessly craving for love and care from her.
But I know she would find the former so hard to do in her condition right now.

Perhaps..
I should consider getting some help from therapist.
Or not. I don’t know.
I really don’t want any meds.

……

Dear Love,

I know you’re afraid of love and trust.
Even though you completely realized that your Love for me is still in the most bottom of the bottom of the bottom of your heart, buried with fears.

But.

I’m not asking for a grand declaration of love from you.
I believe the essence of Love and relationship isn’t about how marvelous we declare our Love.

As you may know, I have resigned myself to where I am now.
Hanging by a thin, flimsy thread.
The thread that holds what’s left of my sanity together.
I can feel it twisting above me, slowly wearing thin and giving way.

I’m not asking for promises or anything from you.
I just wish you would be able to find your Love for me deep inside your heart.
So you would be able to stay with me.
And give me a Love to reach for when my thread breaks so I won’t be plunged into madness.

I think right now I should complete the thing I currently am making for you.
Perhaps it would keep my thread from reaching its breaking point.

I won’t be fine.
Do worry, but don’t worry about me too much.
You have greater tasks to do with your assignments.
With your responsibility in your works.

And with your true feelings in the depths of your heart.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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