I needed to vent.
But, well, I got no one to talk to.
Not even her.
I don’t think she would want to listen to my rant.
So I talked to a random stranger.
This stranger didn’t even get many chance to talk.
Well, perhaps because I was rambling like stupid all the time.
But the stranger responded.
With their life story.
And it was surprisingly similar to her story.
I did not made this up.
This is exactly what the stranger said.
“I don’t know why everyone is falling in love with me and I just want to stay alone. And I feel like shit. I have some feelings to deal with and I don’t want to lie to people. But I know that when I’ll be able to have a relationship I’ll be lonely as fuck.”
“I am not feeling bad in general. I am happy. I just feel still involved in my old relationship and it sucks. The point is, I don’t want to lie to people.”
I was stunned.
I froze in my seat reading that stranger’s story.
I asked myself,
“Is this how she feels right now?”
I know it’s kind of different.
She was actually in a relationship with me.
And that stranger did not.
Perhaps that’s what she felt.
Maybe she felt broken after her friendship breakups.
After those betrayals.
Still, I just can’t find any reason to justify her action towards me.
Few days ago, I dreamed something.
It’s kind of too long to be written.
The point is, I dreamed that I saw someone cut a guy’s right ear.
Using a bloody hand saw.
Yes, it was messy.
I woke up perplexed, and was thinking like, what does this actually mean?
I told her that I had a weird dream.
She told me to look up about what does that dream actually meant.
I don’t actually believe in this kind of thing, but maybe it does meant something.
According to what I found, it says :
“If someone else’s ear has been cut off, then it suggests that you should keep your opinions to yourself. Or that you need to stop talking about others.”
That, and now this.
Perhaps those things are telling me not to be biased by my own opinion on what’s happening to her?
I don’t know, I really don’t know.
Like I said countless times, I hate to judge and assume something.
After all, isn’t the world would be more beautiful if people always choose to understand what other people have been through instead of just, judging blindly from what they actually saw?
Still.. By God, do I miss her.
If only she’d fought for our relationship just a little bit more…
I need more coffee.
Remember this very well :
You are nothing like those who have hurt you.
And I know you’re currently looking front.
You’re wearing your custom-made horse blinkers (?).
And just doing whatever you need to do to get what you want.
One day you’ll wake up.
You’ll look at the dark night sky.
And you will realize, that you’ve lost the moon.
Because you were too busy counting the stars.
When that time comes, don’t search for the moon.
Don’t ask yourself where is the moon actually hiding.
Don’t even ask the stars, they won’t know anything.
Call the moon silently.
And it WILL appear from the shadows.
With a most wonderful smile on its face.
A smile that you knew very well.