16-12-2015. [2]

17:37

I went back to my hometown.

This is the first chance I got to wander;
Walking around free on my own since 5 years ago.

I suddenly feel so old.
I’m not that old. I haven’t even reached my mid 20s.
But, you know, you always got these feelings when you go back to your hometown.

It feels like now I am an outsider.
Many of the people are still the same.
But, well, people come to and go out of my hometown frequently.
Mainly students from outside of the city.
But there are always people like me who go somewhere, leaving their hometown to pursue things.
So yeah, there are a lot of strangers here and there.
At time like this, I remember a poem by Robert Frost I once read :
“Nothing Gold Can Stay”
This is for you lot who went far all the way leaving your hometown.
And of course, for her.

It feels like I’m struck by moments of nostalgia.
Well, some things aren’t changed.
The smell of the air;
Some of the people – well, they got older, but aren’t we all?
The same ice cream shop that I used to frequent 12 years ago;
The same school I spent my elementary, junior, and high school time with;
And I actually am writing this sitting beside the basketball court -At my former high school – Watching these students having their basketball session.
The same crowded street every morning and afternoon – filled with the sound of car honks.
And the same group of people hanging around the coffee shop every morning at 8:30 AM; They still laugh and talk loudly – along with the smell of cigarettes around them; Just like 5 years ago. Heck, their hair turned white.
I actually am shocked that certain things are still there.
It’s surreal;
Because it feels almost too real.
The startling familiarity after so much time away is.. Unsettling.
It feels like a movie you’ve seen so many times.
And, well, I’m not sure if I like that movie or not.

But, I’m grateful.
I actually am grateful for everything around me in my hometown.
I appreciate them now in ways that I couldn’t before.
I was too caught up in my own youth, my developing identity.
I actually was wondering how I would ever physically and emotionally be able move away.
I was.. too focused on those fucked up things in my hometown.
It was as if no one understand things about me.

All of these things remind me of her.
How so?
Well, for one thing, she feels like home.
My heart(s) always want to go back to her.
But, the difference between her and my hometown is – I left my hometown, with good reasons.
And she left me – with confusing reasons.

Think about this :
How would you feel if your home – a place you so familiar with – left you?

Oh, and one more thought.
I think I am going to stop writing poems.
Just for few days.
I will continue to scratch things, but I’ll leave the idea as it is.
And I will continue to write about my thoughts and feelings.
I will just stop writing poems for few days.
What happened?
Well, I re-read all my poems.
And I really think I need to improve myself whenever I can.
So I’ll go back to the root – the one thing that I really love.

Reading.

I know some people might think like,
“Why would you want to improve your writings? You clearly said that you’re not a writer.”
That is true.
I would not say that I am a writer.
But, I realized that I wrote all of this because of her.
I wrote my poems, just because of her.
And no one else.

I thought, if I want to write something for her, it is have to be as perfect as she is.
And what I have, those things that I wrote, aren’t even close to being perfect.
That’s what pushed me to improve my writing.

So yeah, I’ll keep writing about my thoughts and feelings.
But I’ll pause myself writing poems for few days.

Just for few days.

……

Dear Love,

When I was walking on the area of my former high school, I heard a song.
It was played in the school’s library.
I stopped walking and listen.
The lyrics got me captivated.

If that stranger in my last post has a similar feelings to you, then I would say that this song has done a good job in describing my feelings.
I remember you said when you listen to a song, you always listen to the lyrics.
Not just the beat / melody.
So, listen to the song – to the lyrics.
You’ll understand why.

I’ll try to sing it in acoustic version.
Maybe – maybe you’ll hear it later.

Maybe I’ll sing it for you later.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.



I-still-wonder-why-things-went-the-way-they-did

Linked to : That particular song I mentioned.

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