10-12-2015.

13:49

I made a mistake.
Not really a mistake, tho.

I made a tea, just a regular afternoon tea.
Usually, I only drink tea at night, few hours before going to sleep.
And it’s always the same Earl Grey / Chamomile tea.
This time, I took a random tea from my drawer.
Boiled some water, and dipped the tea bag in the mug.
After few minutes, I took out the tea bag, and sipped the tea.

It was the very same tea that I drank with her that certain morning.

Flashbacks came.
Like a flood.
Bringing with it all emotions and the memories from that time.

And I began to question everything. Again.
How in the world did she and I become like strangers in just one day?
What really happened?
Is such thing really possible?

I just don’t understand.

I put down my mug, and covered my face with my both hands.
The moment occupied my head.

I can’t think of anything else beside that moment.
One perfect morning.
Her raspy morning voice.
Her warm lips that tasted like tea.

She might be an expert in distracting herself.
But I’m not good at distracting myself
Especially about this. About me and her.
Every morning, pieces of me hurts in unison.

I don’t even dare looking at my phone.
I stopped looking at my online social media ever since I let her free.
I really am afraid of what I could find there.
Because last time, I saw her doing loveydovey shits with a certain guy.
And that cracked my heart.

So I decided not to open anything.
I decided to fully stay away from my social media.
That’s why all I’m doing everyday is just reading books, writing things in this blog (poem, posts), browse random things, and look for jobs.
I tried to find someone to talk to.

I tried to talk to her.
But every time I talk to her, I kind of worried about her condition.
Well, it’s because of her stubbornness.
Plus, she said she’s busy, and I don’t really know what she’s doing.
And she didn’t reply my last messages.
I miss her. I miss her more than I can admit.
But I just don’t want to disturb her.

I tried to talk to my friends on Skype.
But most of the time, they talk to each other as if I’m not exist.
I tried to join the conversation, but, again, it’s as if I do not exist between them.
And I decided not to say anything.
Sometimes I even stay away from my Skype.
It hurts being ignored.

I tried to act like usual.
I tried to put a mask on my face and go on with my everyday things.
But somehow my family could see right through the mask that I’m wearing.
The worst thing is, they don’t give a shit about why do I look down and stressed.
They just keep saying awful things like I am slacking off and all.
And I don’t want to explain anything to them.
I don’t want to explain what happened to me and her.
I bet my fucking wallet that they won’t give a shit anyway.

I’m not making myself miserable.
It’s just the reality that is currently happening around me.

Yes, it really is looks like hell.
And of all things that is happening to me, the thing that I could really cherish are this blog, my writings, random strangers (I will explain this in the next post), and the love I have for her.

Sigh.
Right now all I want is just to get a job right away, and move somewhere.
Away from this hellhole.
Preferably abroad. And honestly, I wish i could get close to her.

Or if I could get a job in another planet, that would be nice, too.

……

Dear Love,

I remember I left few bags of tea for you.
The very same tea that I drank that morning.
And I don’t know if they are still there.
Or maybe you threw them away.

Whenever you feel down or anxious, drink a tea.
I remember that you still have those Chamomile Tea you bought months ago.
Maybe that would help you.
It definitely is better than your meds.

Or maybe you could just.. Drink that tea.
The tea that I left for you.
Pictures, voice messages, video messages will bring you flashbacks.
But smell and taste are linked to memories and moments.
It will hit your heart and your head hard with moments, just like a truck.
Maybe you would dare yourself to accept whatever moment that will come to your head.

Maybe.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.


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