07-12-2015.

03:10

I’m peeking from my darkness.
Everything still seems so bleak.

I don’t know what to do.

Yesterday, she said something to me.
An encouragement, I would say.

It’s.. Funny.

I remember people call me “The Healer”.
One person said to me that it’s a good fit to call me that.
Because I always see things in a positive way.
I always look for the slightest hint of positivity even in the worst of event.

And I looked at myself.
I saw myself in the mirror.
I saw a tired man. With exhausted eyes.
Hands and feet full of minor wounds and bruises because of the martial art session.
And I’m bruised on the inside.
I’ve reduced into someone else.
Someone with a blinder over his eyes.
Someone swallowed by his own despair.

I’m broken.
Right now I’m the one who needs to be healed.

I guess this is what I got for being too altruistic.
There’s a saying:

“Don’t sacrifice yourself too much, because if you sacrifice too much there’s nothing else you can give and nobody will care for you.”

Right.
I just can’t change myself about it.
It’s not like I will give away every penny I have until I can’t afford to feed myself, no.
But this is about feeling.
I always give my all in loving things that I really love.
And just like this, when everything fails, I succumbed to despair.
This time, it’s the worst despair I’ve ever had in my life.

I know I have to do something eventually.
No matter how dark the darkness I have inside me,
No matter how broken I am,
No matter how huge the hole I have in my chest,

Life still goes on.
The show must go on.
I have to drag everything with me right now.

And I think, I know just where to start.
I knew how I should pick myself.

……

Dear Love,

I’m sorry that I didn’t reply your message.
I wanted to today, but you know how I actually hate to give you wall of texts.

I was unable to function for a day.
I was utterly devastated, and was unable to even say anything to anyone.
Not even to my family.
Not even to myself.

Amidst the chaotic mess that I have yesterday, I suddenly knew where to start.
I saw myself, and among my broken self, there’s only one intact piece.

My love for you.

I know I have to start somewhere.
I have to have another reason besides my messed up life.
I have to cherish something.
And maybe, maybe I’ll start with love.

Because, I might be broken, my heart might be shattered.
And I don’t even know which part of my heart wrote this.
But I know, I know for sure those thousands, even million pieces of me,
Would completely agree over this one love that I have.
They would say “Yes” in a choir like fashion.

So here I go, I’ll start with love.
Perhaps if I hold it close enough to me, it will glow in the dark.
Loving a girl like you gave me strength.
I just have to look at you, and look at this love,
And I hope I would find it illuminating the darkness.

… Thank you.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.


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