04-12-2015.

17:02

I dreamed about her last night.
And just like the other days,
I always think about her everytime I wake up in the morning.

I tried not to think about her.
I do all kind of things everyday.
I started reading books on my to-read list, cooking everyday, I even started to join a martial art class. Just to get her off my mind.
But of course, everytime I write i think of her. I think of our relationship.
Without writing, I’d be batshit crazy right now.

And I think I’m struggling right now.
Not because of her, but,
I’m struggling with how to stop obsessing with unfairness within my life.
And looks like it’s taking a toll on my sanity.

I don’t know who I should blame.
Should I blame those fucktards? Her?
My logic fails me.
My emotions are running ramshod over the real truth of this situation.
I wanted those arseholes to suffer. Not physically, but emotionally.
I have never wished suffering on anyone, but I find myself obsessing with this unfairness.

This is not who I am or who I wish to be.
But the thought of those bad people being able to go on with a happy life, while I’m here fearing for my sanity, kills me. That very thought is killing me right now.
I haven’t done anything to those people and I probably won’t.
And I cannot find a way to productively cope with the unfairness of my situation.
I have faced far worse situations, but this is getting the best of me.

I know that we all have a responsibility to take care of each other.
I believe we need to speak up against injustices.
But we also need to accept that there will be some unfair things that do not change.
Despite our intentions and efforts.

This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t care and work for justice.
But take it as, the life won’t always be fair.
There is almost no end to a thing called unfairness.

And I need to accept this.
I need to accept her condition, my condition, and our condition.
I know this could mean the difference between my persistent suffering and the possibility of peace.

But I can’t. It’s so hard. It hurts like fucking hell.
Bloody life.

……

Dear Love,

Is this how trying to be strong feels like?
How do you manage to get through all of this ?

I know that I need to accept this unfairness without turning bitter.
Although I always instinctively fight it. I’m only human.
And sometimes I give in to my emotional responses.

Now I remember why am I proud of you.
The strongest little girl I’ve ever known.
I fully realized how emotionally strong you are in facing problems.
Perhaps I need to shrink myself physically to match your figure.
Maybe that would strengthen me emotionally.

Looks like I will need you to talk me through this.
I know you are currently busy with all the deadlines.
But it’s almost weekend.

Would you please say something for me?

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.


i-am-not-strong-enough

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