Do me a favor, will you?
STOP reading right now if you : are busy and/or have something else to do, haven’t eaten anything, are extremely tired / sleepy, had / having a bad day, having a terrible mood, are feeling exceedingly cranky, or filled with stupidly awful negative emotions.
I absolutely do NOT want you to read this while in one of those conditions.
And if you’re in pristine condition, please continue.
Read slowly and carefully.
I never am good at things like this. Explaining my thoughts and feelings and all.
But I have to say something. And I have to write it.
I tried to send you a voice message, but no words came out of my mouth.
I am too weak and broken to say anything at this point.
And so, I write. Even though it’s not in our own language.
And if you wonder, I actually currently am stargazing. Again.
It has been 3 months. 3 months since that happened.
An event that quickly reduced me to nothingness in your eyes and your heart.
I still remember the time you sent me a certain voice message.
In fact, I just heard it minutes ago:
“.. You are the most wonderful thing that have ever existed in my life. And you, you are the most perfect human being for me; In my eyes, and in my heart. I love you.”
I don’t know if you remember sending those.
But right now, I know I actually mean almost nothing to you.
I am not the most perfect human being for you. Maybe not anymore.
I know I do exist in your eyes and in your heart.
But I don’t think I am covered in flowers, painted in purple, or even plated with gold anymore.
I am but an ordinary man to you.
Ordinary, but special in some way.
The unacceptable part was, it all happened in just a day.
Until this minute, my head is still asking a same question to myself,
“How is that possible? I did nothing wrong, and she felt like giving up on our relationship after one day? Even though I had nothing to do with what happened to her?”
And I still don’t have the answer. And neither do you. Or so you said.
I guess, for now, that thing will remain a mystery.
Perhaps the real answer, the real truth will be unveiled later.
I tried to do something.
I fought for us every single day until this day.
I bled. For us I bled myself dry.
I went through all the fear, the frustration, and even despair.
Because I promised you, I vowed to you that I won’t give up on you no matter what.
I even remember singing that “I wont give up” song for you.
And you clearly saw me doing everything I can just to get you back on track.
Pep talks, speeches, writings, voice notes, video messages, etc.
All to no avail.
I don’t want to give up.
I do want to keep fighting for us.
Back then, I said to myself,
“I already know what giving up feels like. I want to see what happens if I don’t.”
And I know how it feels like right now.
But, well, what choice do I have?
You don’t even want me to keep fighting for us.
You didn’t give me a chance.
You left me like I was nothing.
You gave up on us.
You broke your promises.
You didn’t fought for us like I did.
I realized I was fighting alone all the time.
Those, and the lies that you made, successfully broke me to pieces like a glass.
Although my love to you remains the same.
And in the end, I have to accept the fact that you’re not the same anymore.
You still are, but not inside.
What happened to you broke your heart to pieces.
And it seems like your ability to love me has shattered since that day, along with your heart.
Honestly, I really can’t accept the fact that because of what other people do to you, I have to let you go.
I have to watch you once again slips from my hand.
I have to once again bury this feeling that I have for you deep in my soul.
And it hurts like hell. It really is.
If it isn’t almost 3 AM right now maybe I would just scream to the stars. Or to the moon. Or to the cold night wind that is currently helping me drying my face from tears.
I won’t be fine. I know I won’t be fine.
But at least I have to pretend that I am.
I have to show my smile. I have to keep being cheerful.
I have to continue walking even though I am dying inside.
Even though there is a huge gaping hole in my chest.
Even though right now things are different.
Because for the first time in 6 years, It feels like I am walking alone.
Without anyone by my side.
I will keep writing everyday. This routine won’t go away.
And I still have so many unfinished poems about you and about us.
They are waiting to be finished.
I don’t think I will stop writing. No.
I will keep writing about you. And I will publicize what I wrote.
No, I won’t tell them that this is about you.
I’ll just say that I actually am inspired by someone.
I’ll let them wonder about your actual fairness and perfection.
People said, “You have to be so fucking amazing if there is someone who is writing about you.”
I’ll let you have the honor of knowing that you are someone’s muse.
About us continuing our everyday talks, I will try to manage it.
Just please, know that I won’t go anywhere.
If somewhat you want to update something like what you did, or maybe you just want to tell me about your academic stuffs, or maybe just pure stupid random stuffs,
I will always be there.
And I will try to speak to you without mentioning anything about us.
It is actually not that hard.
I got random stupid things and everyday shits that I always want to tell you.
I will do it later.
I don’t know how you feel about this, but,
I stupidly believe that you will eventually find your way back to me.
And like I said, I believe what we have won’t go away easily.
This is not the first time The Universe playing her tricks on us.
Or maybe later I would say another “Howdy.”. And it will all be alright.
We, will be alright.
But unfortunately, right now, we are not.
Our relationship is not a chain. I see it as vast and big as the Earth itself.
But you, you see it as a cage. A small cage that hinders you to do anything.
That hinders you to achieve anything that you want.
Even though I clearly said you could just do whatever you want to achieve your goal.
But you don’t want me to tell you any words of love.
And it actually pains me to see you struggling.
It actually hurts me to see you crying in the cage you made by yourself.
And I realized that, at this point,
our relationship will always be as big as that cage for you.
I have to let you go.
I don’t want to. But again, I have to.
You even already started to walk away.
I wish you would say something nice to me before you started walking.
But you didn’t. And I don’t know if you will actually say something.
Go on, chase your goals.
Do whatever you need to do to get them right now.
Soar high like an Eagle.
And later, maybe tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or I don’t know,
like I said in my previous post,
when The Universe finally stop being so cruel once and for all;
when you suddenly wake up from your slumber, and you suddenly feel the same kind of excruciating pain in your heart as I felt few days ago;
when you unconsciously call my name in your sleep;
when you look at the night sky and the stars silently whisper my name to your ears;
when you finally find your way back to me;
I will be there. Again, I will always be there for you.
And that time, will be the last time I say “Howdy” to you.
I love you. More than you will ever know.
Always have, and always will.
With infinite Love,
This. This is something that I could agree with.
This perfectly explains why I fought for us.