02-12-2015.

03:27

I’m sitting on my roof once again.
Stargazing.
Watching the stars shining brightly on the dark night sky.

I wanted to write a poem.
But I don’t know, I feel so empty.
I actually felt so empty since she broke me to pieces.
The bad thing is, there are so many unfinished poem in my book.
And they are all about her.
I will need to finish them later.
I guess I will start tomorrow.

This time, it’s Taurus constellation showing in the east.
And there’s Aldebaran, the brightest star in the constellation.
Plus one of the brightest star in the night sky.

Brightest star, huh.
Right now, she’s just like this brightest star.

So fair, beautiful, and bright in my eyes;
Shining wonderfully in the dark night sky;
Yet so far and out of reach.

Those stars made me start wondering.

I’m wondering where it all went wrong.
Where did it go wrong ?
I tried.
I tried, tried, tried, and tried.
I gave all that I have.
And no matter what I did, it still was not enough.

I’m wondering if it was my fault.
Was it?
Perhaps I should’ve done something for her.
Perhaps there was something I should’ve done.
Perhaps there was something that I did wrong.
Was it my fault?

I’m wondering how I seem to be so easy to forget and so easy to abandon.
Just like the stars.
They are beautiful. They shine in the dark.
But people just forget them. They know stars exist, but they take them for granted.
Maybe I’m just like a certain star.
Not like her. No.
Maybe I’m just one unimportant, petty, small star in the vast universe.
So easy to forget and abandon.

I’m wondering how she said she loved me yet it was so easy for her to left me.
She left me so easily.
She gave up on me almost instantly after that day.
Like I was nothing.

What happened?
Who should I ask for an answer?

The stars?
The moon?

I actually envy them.

I envy the stars, and the moon.
They could see her everyday.
They could even kiss her silently with their light.

If only the stars and the moon could talk.
What would they say about her ?

What stories do they have about her beside her fairness?

……

Dear Love,

I had a lot of reasons to give up on you.
But I still chose to stay.

You had a lot of reasons to stay.
But you chose to give up.
You chose not to fix us.
You chose to left me.

I don’t know if it is because of your ‘inability’ to do those things.
But all I know, you had a choice.
You had plenty of choices.

And of all the choices, you ultimately chose to stop.

You chose to stop writing about us.
You left our book, our story, unfinished.
For the fourth time, you stopped writing about us.
And now, our book is once again left in the shelf.
Covered with dust.

Yes, my heart is now in pieces. Tiny little pieces.
I don’t know which piece of my heart is now writing this post.
Or maybe I’m just writing with my love.

I tried to destroy my love for you.
I slammed it to the floor, desperately tried to destroy it.
I tried to destroy it with a hammer called hate.
But It seems like I was forced to accept.
I have to accept that I just can’t hate you. I can’t stop loving you.
I can’t destroy this love that I have for you since years ago.
Like I said, the universe glued it right in my soul.

And I want you to know, once again, I won’t be fine.
Absolutely, definitely not.

“But you did 3 years ago!”

We were very, very close, yes.
But we weren’t lovers back then.
And so I wasn’t able to do anything.
And now, I have to accept a way higher degree of unfairness compared to that time.

No, I won’t be fine.
I’m still walking, with the love in my hand.
But I’m heartless.
I didn’t want to pick them up.
I didn’t want to pick those pieces of my heart that you broke.

And so I left them behind.

With hope that maybe, maybe later,
when you suddenly wake up, and you suddenly feel the same kind of excruciating pain in your heart as I felt few days ago;
when you unconsciously call my name in your sleep;
when you look at the night sky and the stars silently whisper my name to your ears;

You will finally fix your eyes on me and take a good look at me.

Me, walking alone with a whole piece of love in hand.
And with a huge big gaping hole in my chest.

Quietly whispering your name.

 
V.A.C.W.


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