I was driving. For straight 8 hours.
I went to my sister’s house to pick her up for New Year.
And when I was on the road, I spent most of the time thinking about what she said to me.
Which one? All of them.
I got 8 hours to trace back on whatever she said since ‘that’ day.
And so I let my heart and my mind gave thought to every single one of them.
“Call it whatever you want. Evil, Heartless, or whatever. But I just can’t trust anyone right now. And yes, that includes you. Trust no one and I’ll be safe.”
“People might say that this is a very small and unimportant matter. That I should shake it off and move on with the betrayal. But it wasn’t just one, two, three, four, or five people that did it to me. It was way more than that. And you won’t understand.”
“You see that? Look what those people did. Look what they said about me. And those people were my most trusted people.”
“The Love is still there right in the bottom of the bottom of my heart. But you what’s outside of it? Fear. Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, and just fear.”
“Those people will get what they deserve, right? Karma does exist.”
“I don’t believe in close relationship. It might exists for your sister, my family, or whoever, but it just doesn’t exist for me. Loving relationship just does not exist.”
“Doesn’t mean that I don’t need people in my life. I still do. Just not a close or intimate relationship or whatever. Everything that is in my life now is allowed to come and go.”
“A relationship with people will be just like with a business partner. You can leave whenever you want and I won’t even get hurt.”
“Do you really want to be with a person that can’t even think of a future with you?”
“I told my mother about those people. But in the end, what she said just shows how stupid am I for trusting those untrustworthy people. That’s why, I just don’t want to trust anyone. Trust no one and I’ll be safe.”
“I want to give up on us. I can’t stay in a close relationship anymore since that day.”
“I just don’t know what is happening to us. If I do, I will talk about it. But I just really don’t know.”
“I want to go through the recovery process on my own. Just alone.”
“The reason why I can’t talk to you is because we have a really really sweet and wonderful relationship. Yes, it really is wonderful. But it won’t work anymore with the present me.”
“I do cry every single night reading all of your writings. They are beautiful. They are perfect. But one thing’s for sure, I’m not going to be her again.”
“I know that you never break your promises. But I just can’t.”
“I do want to give you a chance. But then I’d be an Evil person. You’ll be frustrated and agitated everyday.”
“Those people finally got what they deserved. But still, I’ve changed. What happened today just shows that I can stay strong and stand still on my own little feet. All by myself.”
“You always think that I’m still the same person. And I’m not.”
“I just can’t be what I was months ago before it happened.”
“I don’t know what do you think about those people. But for me, it’s just something that can’t be changed. It’s just the way they really are. It’s just their nature.
There were thousands of thoughts going on.
I am thinking on how to express myself with all that she said to me.
I’m searching the answer deep within my soul.
What my mind and heart really think and feel inside me.
I’m trying to pour out all my feelings.
In my own words; In the most honest and sincere way possible.
This is going to be a long read.
Let me call you Moon just this once.
Not that I bored of Love or tired of calling you Love, but just because I am currently looking at the Moon, and it’s just so bright and beautiful.
I could call you the Stars, but it’s plural. And you’re just one person.
Plus, the brightest thing in the night sky right now is the Moon.
I guess that’s enough of a reason to call you Moon.
I admit I was clearly devastated when you said you just can’t trust me; That you just can’t be whatever you were before ‘that’ happened.
It was as if my world has turned upside down.
That the sun finally rise in the west and set in the east.
It was the first time I felt something so awful, so unfathomable.
That the acts caused by other people to a person that we Love, can have an impact to us.
Funny enough, Moon, I see it clearly in myself.
I haven’t told you this, but people said that I’ve changed.
Especially people that talk to and see me almost everyday.
They said I become so anti-social. I’ve turned so rude and easily snapped on small things.
The first to notice was my own mother. And then my whole family noticed it.
Sometimes, they just can be so.. Annoying. It’s like, can’t they just leave me alone? I have my own problems. And they keep annoy me with unimportant little things. This, and that.
Honestly, I was THIS (imagine me making the hand gesture) close to go into rage and snapped when my parents asked me to pick my sister and brother-in-law up from their home. I thought, can’t they just go by themselves? Can’t I have my peace and leave me alone?
But I realized that I can’t be like this forever. So I said yes.
Plus, suddenly my mother, as if she can read my mind, held my arm and said,
“You seem to forget yourself. After you came home, you’ve changed a lot. So let me remind you, Remember this very very well: You don’t need a reason to help people. Don’t ask for something when you are about to do any form of kindness for people.”
And off I went.
What am I trying to say is.. I am the person that they Love.
And while they’ve done nothing, they still get the rude, bitter side of me.
They have done nothing wrong, and yet they feel the impact from what happened to me.
It was not fair for them. I don’t want to spread what I feel to other people.
Moon, I know it was all unfair to me.
It was the first time I felt such degree of unfairness.
How can something so awful exists and happened?
More importantly, how can people like those can still roam free and walk on the Earth?
Can’t the devil itself just crack the soil beneath their feet and just drag them straight into the tenth layers of hell for what they have done to you? I just don’t understand why those people still don’t get what they REALLY deserve.
I mean, I get to see the person that I dearly Love devastatingly reduced into someone so paranoid and full of fear, full of disbelief towards Love and relationship, and just so mistrustful towards people; Even towards me. And those awful people still can smile and get their own happiness?
Well, fine, maybe not now, but I believe karma does exists.
So let’s just sit back and watch what is going to happen.
I guess what people said are right.
“Pain changes people.”
When someone have been hurt, they become the pain itself.
I saw it in myself. Just how rude am I to people. I rarely smile. I don’t laugh as much. I went so bitter towards people. Little things annoy me so bloody much. It is called resentment. I believe you have it in you, too. Just not like me. How it shows depends on our personality and on the things that happened to us.
And when I think of it, it is very, very ironic.
Moon, I talked about Bitterness numerous times towards you, yes?
And I can still remember what you said, that I shouldn’t turned into someone bitter because of what I experienced in the past. That I shouldn’t be like those two people you know so damn well.
And now, I’ve turned bitter myself.
I talked about bitterness and how you shouldn’t turned bitter and cynical just because of what those horrible people did to you, but I’ve turned bitter myself from the unfairness.
Ironic. Super ironic.
Slap me in the face and laugh at me. I really deserved it.
I understand now why people always tell what happened to them to other people.
Because when something happened to them, they just can’t see how ugly they’ve become. How stupid they’ve acted towards people that they Love. The resentment just straightly blind them.
Perhaps we realized that we’ve changed. But we won’t do anything about it.
I let myself become the most cold and rude person I myself have ever known.
And for me, I didn’t even tell anyone what happened to me, but my mother told me just how ugly I’ve turned. And I’m really grateful for that.
Because right now, I could really see how stupid I’ve turned.
And I don’t want to stay like this.
It will be hard for me to completely erase this rude, cold side of me that I am currently having.
But I still have my Love to you.
And most importantly, I have my writings.
Moon, do you know why some of the most broken people suddenly become a talented writer?
I talked to poets and poetess, lots of them. Surprisingly, some of them started to write after something happened to them. Usually it’s related to Love; but not always.
Well, I think you do understand why. You’re a writer.
People said, it is good to write something about your emotional upheaval just to take a step back and evaluate your feelings. To look at yourself from a bigger picture. To see what you really are right now. And by then, you can realize just how stupid or bad you are.
You know, I read all of my posts an hour ago. And I could say that.. I was kind of embarrassed.
Since months ago, I’ve turned into someone so paranoid and hopeless, filled with frustration and agitation. And all of that was because of the unfairness I’ve felt.
Maybe this is why I don’t label myself as a writer.
I am going to label myself as someone that is currently trying to heal himself.
Maybe someday, I will gladly label myself as a poet. If that day ever happens.
Moon, I understand that what happened to you has changed you.
Maybe not for good. Maybe not forever. Maybe it’s permanent. No one knows. Not even me.
All I understand, it is the resentment that made you like this now.
That made you changed, into someone else. I’ve looked again at those what you said as listed above.
And I could say now that the pain has changed you.
I realized it, don’t repeat that thing. I have completely accepted the fact that you’ve changed because of the pain and resentment. I get it. I understand.
But, Moon, let me tell you this, too.
My Love to you hasn’t changed. Not even the slightest tiniest bit.
Like I said the first week after that happened :
“Yes, you are undergoing change. For better or worse. But I just don’t care. I will still love you for what you are just because you are you. And nothing can change that.”
And here I am, right now, still holding on to those words.
Now you understand how sincere I was when I said that.
You might say that you can’t be just like what you were.
I get it. I understand.
You can’t trust people. Without trust, you can’t Love. You forgot how grand Love is.
You don’t want to get into a close and intimate relationship. That’s why you left.
You can’t laugh happily at sweet and lovey-dovey relationship.
You can’t make those weird faces that I really Love.
You even forgot what ‘forever’ means.
But all of those are not the reason why I Love you.
Like I said countless times, I Love you just because you are simply you.
Not because you made strange faces, or because you were lovey-dovey.
Oh, I know what you might say.
“That’s not the point, Love. That really is not the point.”
Yes. I know, Moon. Today it hit me.
After hours of thinking of what you said since months ago, after remembering all that you said, all that I’ve listed above, I finally know that what you meant by “I can’t go back to what I was” is.. You can’t stay in a relationship like before after what happened to you. I finally understand.
It took me months to understand this one simple thing. I guess I’m just.. that stupid.
Or maybe I was just blinded by the unfairness.
But, the point is, I have to accept the fact that at this point, you just can’t stay in a relationship. Even if it is so sweet and wonderful like the one we have.
Honestly? Just thinking about it kills me. Again, because it is unfair.
Life is.. Weird, isn’t it?
And all I want is just to be happy with someone that I Love.
Right now, it feels like there’s something stuck in my throat.
And my hands are shaking.
But as much as this hurt, I have to finish what I want to say.
What those awful people said about you are finally revealed.
Honestly, I don’t know why you spoke to me as if I don’t know everything.
You even censored some of the names. Names that.. I might have already knew.
I still remember some of it happened just right when were doing Skype call.
Maybe you forgot, I don’t know.
But my gut tells me that you just don’t trust me.
And honestly it hurts a little.
Perhaps it was a blessing.
You don’t need those kind of people in your life. People who talk about other people in the back, that love to gosipping and conspiring to bring down people, are the worst kind of people.
Maybe what I said was right. God made you through all of this to finally see the worth of the people around you. To finally see who you can trust, and who doesn’t deserve your trust.
For this, I sincerely am happy for you.
You don’t need those people in your life.
Yes, it was the result of your patience.
Although I could say that you should’ve tried to explain everything.
But I know it was no use. Those people that didn’t know anything were just incited by those awful people that just love to bring drama to wherever they go.
That is why, Moon, I could say right now that I am so proud of you.
I really am.
You didn’t eat what those people put on the plate for you.
You didn’t bring yourself deep into the drama.
I guess we can’t change what people really are deep inside, yes?
I remember a certain quote right now :
“It’s during the worst storms of your life that you will get to see the true colors of the people who say they care for you.”
And I guess it’s right.
Well, Moon, I already write too much.
The word count is already above 2.5k right now.
Perhaps I should volunteer to write on your essay someday. I really should.
Moon, one last thing.
I don’t know what will happen to us.
But I just want to believe both of us will be fine.
You will find your way back to me in the end.
At least that’s what I am trying to believe right now.
Just like Marcus Tullius Cicero said, a man can only hope. Right?
Although Virgil said that Love conquers all.
Understand that I Love you not because I was merely looking at your silhouette of your past.
Not because your words in your writing were so powerful.
Not because you Love to make those stupid faces when you were about to sleep.
And definitely not because of something as temporary as your look.
Hell, I’d still Love if you even if you, God forbid, goes bald.
All of those are just merely making me Love you more.
But, I truly, madly, deeply, completely, foolishly fell in Love with you just because you are you.
With all your imperfections, with all your flaws, will all your scars in your heart and soul. And ultimately, with all that you are.
For what you were, what you are right now, and what you are about to be.