31-12-2015. [2]

My fever peaked at 40.4° C last night.
I actually am amazed my brain wasn’t fried with fever that high.

I was.. Hallucinating.

I have these glow-in-the-dark stars in my room’s ceiling.
I put them up there back in 2007.

Last night, I felt so weak.
My whole body was aching, it felt like I was beaten up using meat tenderizer.
I was breathing faster than usual.
My chest, my eyes, and my ears were burning.
But my body felt cold on the outside skin.

I saw the stars in my ceiling spinning and blinking very slowly.
And then I saw two shadows, walking together in the middle of the ceiling among the stars.
One of the shadows stopped, sat for a while, and then exploded into bits.
The pieces of it were flying around the other shadow.
The other shadow were starting to shed its skin, showing a face.
Her face.
She was crying with a smile on her face. Slowly walking away.
She then started to cry harder; Bursting into tears.

I held out my hand, trying to reach her.
But of course she was totally out of reach.
I was in bed; She was on the ceiling.
I slowly called her name.
But she’s still crying, harder than before.
I closed my aching eyes for awhile.

And when I opened them, I saw a silhouette of us on my ceiling.
I was totally surprised.
I immediately sat on my bed in shock.
I covered my face with my both hands, and took a second look at the ceiling.

There was nothing but the stars and darkness.
No shadows, no her, no me, no us.

I went back lying in my bed.
My breathing went heavier than before.
And I thought to myself,

“This is stupid.”

I immediately remember what she said about not thinking too much.
Especially on stupid and weird things like hallucination.
But it made me thinking.

At this point in my life, no one is going to truly care about me.
Not even her, because of her condition right now.
She needs to worry about herself more, anyway.
So I decided something.

I have to Love myself.
I need to take care of myself more.
Because, when no one cares, or when we feel so down, ourselves is all that we got.
Other people might care about us, but there will always be a time where it’s just not enough, where we will still want our time alone with ourselves.
It’s just like her.
I do care about her and all, but she still needs a time on her own.
And that is the perfect time for her to start take care of herself.

I’ll make myself happy.
I’ll get a new haircut.
I’ll get that second tattoo I’ve always wanted since years ago.
I’ll wake up late.
I’ll get drunk once in few weeks.
I’ll take a long, hot, comfortable showers.
I’ll write things in my book whenever I feel like it.
I’ll do nothing but lazying around all day long.

Just anything.
I’ll do every single thing necessary to make myself happy.
Just like I always tried to make her happy.
Because, when I think about it, all my insecurities, frustration, and agitation, is because of me lacking Love for myself.
And it’s just kind of the same for her.

She’s been betrayed by her most trusted friends.
Her trust is already gone, shattered to pieces.
Along with her ability to stay in a relationship.

Yesterday she said to me that she’s having a difficulty just to make a decision.
She’s always holding herself back whenever she wants to make a decision.
Which is.. A sign that she just doesn’t completely trust herself.
Perhaps that’s why I think she needs to begin to trust herself.

It’s almost 2016.
I never had any new year resolution before, but right now, I really want some.
So, new year resolution:

– Love myself.
– More patience.
– Read at least 60 books.
– Make her trust me fully and completely.
– Increase my Love to her every single day in 2016.
– Give her some space and time alone whenever she needs it.

… Seems a little bit centered on her.
But, well, I guess it’s perfectly fine.

Although I’m still a little weak to carry myself, I’ll try to enjoy this night as much as I can.

I hope all of you have a very good New Year Eve party tonight.
Happy New Year 2016 in advance!

……
……

Dear Love,

I know you’re having a rough week.
But I hope you’re having a better new year’s eve.
Even though maybe you’re not going anywhere and currently celebrating 2016 with your assignments.

My biggest wish of the year was celebrating 2016 with you.
And hugging you in the middle of fireworks show.
I know you hate fireworks. And I wish I could just come there and hug you, close your ears with my both hands so you’re not scared of those stupid explosive sounds.
But I guess it’s not going to happen tonight.

Love, I know we can’t turn back time.
We can’t un-sing a song that’s sung.
We can’t undone things that have already been done.
Especially what those people have done to you.
We can’t change the past.
But we can always make a better future.
Let’s take a moment to smile, knowing that those awful people have gone from your life.
They don’t deserve you, with all your kindness.

I hope in 2016, your blinder will finally be released.
So you can see that all this time, I always brought bouquets of purple flowers decorated with Love for you, not knives.
I’m not asking you to magically trust me tomorrow in 2016.
I’ll show you that I really am worth your trust and Love.
So you can fully trust and Love me just like what we were 7 months ago.

It takes time.
And both of us need to have patience.
But you’ll get there.
We, will get there.

Happy New Year 2016, Love.
Always remember that I, will always Love you.
More than you’ll ever know.

 
Hugs and kisses,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


image

31-12-2015.

I’m currently having the worst fever in my life.
An hour ago it even reached to 40.2° C.
It went down, to 39.4° C right now.

And no, I haven’t went to doctor. There’s no one around with me now.
I’ll go later by myself if the fever goes down.
I was even hallucinating for a bit.
I’ll give the detail later. I’m too weak to type much in my phone.

I don’t have any plans for new year anyway.
It went down along with her ability to trust.

Oh how I wish she’s here right now.

I need to close my eyes. They’re aching and burning.
I hope all of you have a way better night than I do.

 
V.A.C.W.

Betrayal.

 

After weeks of conspiring in hate, they decided to decorate her back with knives and blood and left her dying; Bleeding, sitting alone in the pool of her own blood. Before they left, they stopped and marvel at their work- their own dreadful piece of art. In their eyes, her condition was very suitable and appealing; She was immediately labeled as their masterpiece in betrayal.

They finally came back and brought flowers for the finishing touch. But those flowers were not meant as a gift, nor offered as an apology for what they have done.

Those flowers were for funeral- a fake consolation given in laughter for the death of her trust.

 

V.A.C.W.
05:14

 

She always
thought them
as a friend.
But they were just
the beginning
of an end.

30-12-2015.

00:01

I was driving. For straight 8 hours.
I went to my sister’s house to pick her up for New Year.
And when I was on the road, I spent most of the time thinking about what she said to me.
Which one? All of them.
I got 8 hours to trace back on whatever she said since ‘that’ day.
And so I let my heart and my mind gave thought to every single one of them.

“Call it whatever you want. Evil, Heartless, or whatever. But I just can’t trust anyone right now. And yes, that includes you. Trust no one and I’ll be safe.”

“People might say that this is a very small and unimportant matter. That I should shake it off and move on with the betrayal. But it wasn’t just one, two, three, four, or five people that did it to me. It was way more than that. And you won’t understand.”

“You see that? Look what those people did. Look what they said about me. And those people were my most trusted people.”

“The Love is still there right in the bottom of the bottom of my heart. But you what’s outside of it? Fear. Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, and just fear.”

“Those people will get what they deserve, right? Karma does exist.”

“I don’t believe in close relationship. It might exists for your sister, my family, or whoever, but it just doesn’t exist for me. Loving relationship just does not exist.”

“Doesn’t mean that I don’t need people in my life. I still do. Just not a close or intimate relationship or whatever. Everything that is in my life now is allowed to come and go.”

“A relationship with people will be just like with a business partner. You can leave whenever you want and I won’t even get hurt.”

“Do you really want to be with a person that can’t even think of a future with you?”

“I told my mother about those people. But in the end, what she said just shows how stupid am I for trusting those untrustworthy people. That’s why, I just don’t want to trust anyone. Trust no one and I’ll be safe.”

“I want to give up on us. I can’t stay in a close relationship anymore since that day.”

“I just don’t know what is happening to us. If I do, I will talk about it. But I just really don’t know.”

“I want to go through the recovery process on my own. Just alone.”

“The reason why I can’t talk to you is because we have a really really sweet and wonderful relationship. Yes, it really is wonderful. But it won’t work anymore with the present me.”

“I do cry every single night reading all of your writings. They are beautiful. They are perfect. But one thing’s for sure, I’m not going to be her again.”

“I know that you never break your promises. But I just can’t.”

“I do want to give you a chance. But then I’d be an Evil person. You’ll be frustrated and agitated everyday.”

“Those people finally got what they deserved. But still, I’ve changed. What happened today just shows that I can stay strong and stand still on my own little feet. All by myself.”

“You always think that I’m still the same person. And I’m not.”

“I just can’t be what I was months ago before it happened.”

“I don’t know what do you think about those people. But for me, it’s just something that can’t be changed. It’s just the way they really are. It’s just their nature.

There were thousands of thoughts going on.
I am thinking on how to express myself with all that she said to me.
I’m searching the answer deep within my soul.
What my mind and heart really think and feel inside me.
I’m trying to pour out all my feelings.
In my own words; In the most honest and sincere way possible.

……
……

Dear Moon,
 
This is going to be a long read.

Let me call you Moon just this once.
Not that I bored of Love or tired of calling you Love, but just because I am currently looking at the Moon, and it’s just so bright and beautiful.
I could call you the Stars, but it’s plural. And you’re just one person.
Plus, the brightest thing in the night sky right now is the Moon.
I guess that’s enough of a reason to call you Moon.

I admit I was clearly devastated when you said you just can’t trust me; That you just can’t be whatever you were before ‘that’ happened.
It was as if my world has turned upside down.
That the sun finally rise in the west and set in the east.
It was the first time I felt something so awful, so unfathomable.
That the acts caused by other people to a person that we Love, can have an impact to us.

Funny enough, Moon, I see it clearly in myself.
I haven’t told you this, but people said that I’ve changed.
Especially people that talk to and see me almost everyday.
They said I become so anti-social. I’ve turned so rude and easily snapped on small things.
The first to notice was my own mother. And then my whole family noticed it.
Sometimes, they just can be so.. Annoying. It’s like, can’t they just leave me alone? I have my own problems. And they keep annoy me with unimportant little things. This, and that.

Honestly, I was THIS (imagine me making the hand gesture) close to go into rage and snapped when my parents asked me to pick my sister and brother-in-law up from their home. I thought, can’t they just go by themselves? Can’t I have my peace and leave me alone?
But I realized that I can’t be like this forever. So I said yes.
Plus, suddenly my mother, as if she can read my mind, held my arm and said,

“You seem to forget yourself. After you came home, you’ve changed a lot. So let me remind you, Remember this very very well: You don’t need a reason to help people. Don’t ask for something when you are about to do any form of kindness for people.”

And off I went.

What am I trying to say is.. I am the person that they Love.
And while they’ve done nothing, they still get the rude, bitter side of me.
They have done nothing wrong, and yet they feel the impact from what happened to me.
It was not fair for them. I don’t want to spread what I feel to other people.

Moon, I know it was all unfair to me.
It was the first time I felt such degree of unfairness.
How can something so awful exists and happened?
More importantly, how can people like those can still roam free and walk on the Earth?
Can’t the devil itself just crack the soil beneath their feet and just drag them straight into the tenth layers of hell for what they have done to you? I just don’t understand why those people still don’t get what they REALLY deserve.
I mean, I get to see the person that I dearly Love devastatingly reduced into someone so paranoid and full of fear, full of disbelief towards Love and relationship, and just so mistrustful towards people; Even towards me. And those awful people still can smile and get their own happiness?
Well, fine, maybe not now, but I believe karma does exists.
So let’s just sit back and watch what is going to happen.

I guess what people said are right.

“Pain changes people.”

When someone have been hurt, they become the pain itself.
I saw it in myself. Just how rude am I to people. I rarely smile. I don’t laugh as much. I went so bitter towards people. Little things annoy me so bloody much. It is called resentment. I believe you have it in you, too. Just not like me. How it shows depends on our personality and on the things that happened to us.
And when I think of it, it is very, very ironic.

Moon, I talked about Bitterness numerous times towards you, yes?
And I can still remember what you said, that I shouldn’t turned into someone bitter because of what I experienced in the past. That I shouldn’t be like those two people you know so damn well.
And now, I’ve turned bitter myself.
I talked about bitterness and how you shouldn’t turned bitter and cynical just because of what those horrible people did to you, but I’ve turned bitter myself from the unfairness.

Ironic. Super ironic.
Slap me in the face and laugh at me. I really deserved it.

I understand now why people always tell what happened to them to other people.
Because when something happened to them, they just can’t see how ugly they’ve become. How stupid they’ve acted towards people that they Love. The resentment just straightly blind them.
Perhaps we realized that we’ve changed. But we won’t do anything about it.
I let myself become the most cold and rude person I myself have ever known.
And for me, I didn’t even tell anyone what happened to me, but my mother told me just how ugly I’ve turned. And I’m really grateful for that.
Because right now, I could really see how stupid I’ve turned.
And I don’t want to stay like this.
It will be hard for me to completely erase this rude, cold side of me that I am currently having.
But I still have my Love to you.

And most importantly, I have my writings.

Moon, do you know why some of the most broken people suddenly become a talented writer?
I talked to poets and poetess, lots of them. Surprisingly, some of them started to write after something happened to them. Usually it’s related to Love; but not always.
Well, I think you do understand why. You’re a writer.
People said, it is good to write something about your emotional upheaval just to take a step back and evaluate your feelings. To look at yourself from a bigger picture. To see what you really are right now. And by then, you can realize just how stupid or bad you are.
You know, I read all of my posts an hour ago. And I could say that.. I was kind of embarrassed.
Since months ago, I’ve turned into someone so paranoid and hopeless, filled with frustration and agitation. And all of that was because of the unfairness I’ve felt.
Maybe this is why I don’t label myself as a writer.
I am going to label myself as someone that is currently trying to heal himself.
Maybe someday, I will gladly label myself as a poet. If that day ever happens.

Moon, I understand that what happened to you has changed you.
Maybe not for good. Maybe not forever. Maybe it’s permanent. No one knows. Not even me.
All I understand, it is the resentment that made you like this now.
That made you changed, into someone else. I’ve looked again at those what you said as listed above.
And I could say now that the pain has changed you.
I realized it, don’t repeat that thing. I have completely accepted the fact that you’ve changed because of the pain and resentment. I get it. I understand.

But, Moon, let me tell you this, too.
My Love to you hasn’t changed. Not even the slightest tiniest bit.
Like I said the first week after that happened :

“Yes, you are undergoing change. For better or worse. But I just don’t care. I will still love you for what you are just because you are you. And nothing can change that.”

And here I am, right now, still holding on to those words.
Now you understand how sincere I was when I said that.

You might say that you can’t be just like what you were.
I get it. I understand.
You can’t trust people. Without trust, you can’t Love. You forgot how grand Love is.
You don’t want to get into a close and intimate relationship. That’s why you left.
You can’t laugh happily at sweet and lovey-dovey relationship.
You can’t make those weird faces that I really Love.
You even forgot what ‘forever’ means.

But all of those are not the reason why I Love you.
Like I said countless times, I Love you just because you are simply you.
Not because you made strange faces, or because you were lovey-dovey.
Oh, I know what you might say.

“That’s not the point, Love. That really is not the point.”

Yes. I know, Moon. Today it hit me.
After hours of thinking of what you said since months ago, after remembering all that you said, all that I’ve listed above, I finally know that what you meant by “I can’t go back to what I was” is.. You can’t stay in a relationship like before after what happened to you. I finally understand.
It took me months to understand this one simple thing. I guess I’m just.. that stupid.
Or maybe I was just blinded by the unfairness.
But, the point is, I have to accept the fact that at this point, you just can’t stay in a relationship. Even if it is so sweet and wonderful like the one we have.
Honestly? Just thinking about it kills me. Again, because it is unfair.

Life is.. Weird, isn’t it?
And all I want is just to be happy with someone that I Love.
Right now, it feels like there’s something stuck in my throat.
And my hands are shaking.
But as much as this hurt, I have to finish what I want to say.

What those awful people said about you are finally revealed.
Honestly, I don’t know why you spoke to me as if I don’t know everything.
You even censored some of the names. Names that.. I might have already knew.
I still remember some of it happened just right when were doing Skype call.
Maybe you forgot, I don’t know.
But my gut tells me that you just don’t trust me.
And honestly it hurts a little.

Perhaps it was a blessing.
You don’t need those kind of people in your life. People who talk about other people in the back, that love to gosipping and conspiring to bring down people, are the worst kind of people.
Maybe what I said was right. God made you through all of this to finally see the worth of the people around you. To finally see who you can trust, and who doesn’t deserve your trust.
For this, I sincerely am happy for you.
You don’t need those people in your life.

Yes, it was the result of your patience.
Although I could say that you should’ve tried to explain everything.
But I know it was no use. Those people that didn’t know anything were just incited by those awful people that just love to bring drama to wherever they go.

That is why, Moon, I could say right now that I am so proud of you.
I really am.
You didn’t eat what those people put on the plate for you.
You didn’t bring yourself deep into the drama.
I guess we can’t change what people really are deep inside, yes?
I remember a certain quote right now :

“It’s during the worst storms of your life that you will get to see the true colors of the people who say they care for you.”

And I guess it’s right.

Well, Moon, I already write too much.
The word count is already above 2.5k right now.
Perhaps I should volunteer to write on your essay someday. I really should.

Moon, one last thing.
I don’t know what will happen to us.
But I just want to believe both of us will be fine.
You will find your way back to me in the end.
At least that’s what I am trying to believe right now.
Just like Marcus Tullius Cicero said, a man can only hope. Right?

Although Virgil said that Love conquers all.

Understand that I Love you not because I was merely looking at your silhouette of your past.
Not because your words in your writing were so powerful.
Not because you Love to make those stupid faces when you were about to sleep.
And definitely not because of something as temporary as your look.
Hell, I’d still Love if you even if you, God forbid, goes bald.
All of those are just merely making me Love you more.

But, I truly, madly, deeply, completely, foolishly fell in Love with you just because you are you.
With all your imperfections, with all your flaws, will all your scars in your heart and soul. And ultimately, with all that you are.

For what you were, what you are right now, and what you are about to be.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


truelove

29-12-2015.

00:22

I realized that I can’t completely understand something until it happens to me.

Since last night, I tried to understand betrayal.
I tried to make a poem out of it.
How the effects of it makes someone completely traumatic.
But I can’t.
I felt betrayal once, just not as severe as what she had.

I talked to so many people.
I wrote so many things.
But I just cant give life to my words.

It’s like something is missing.

I read hundreds of articles since months ago.
But I still can’t fully understand what happened with her.
So I tried something else.
Last night until this morning, I talked to some people; Strangers.
One of them was even therapist.

I asked them just how betrayal feels or felt like for them.
What was the effect for them.
And how did they get out of it.

I’m not going to write everything.
It still will be kind of long, though.
I’ll give some summary on their answers from the talks yesterday.

……….
……….

First stranger.

“It was a demolishing feeling. It made me feel really really desperate for approval and attention from other people. It made me feel ultra-nauseous. It totally killed my self esteem and my trust. Basically every fucking thing there was inside me was dead.”

“And? I believe that was not all.”

“It was not. It was as if the whole world was spinning around so fast you can’t even catch up, but you are currently standing still. As if there are invisible strings pinning you down. You are very vulnerable and you have no fucking idea how to cut off the strings and move on.”

“I’m sorry I actually asked you that. How are you now?”

The stranger didn’t answer.
I guess it was too much.

……….

Second stranger.

“If anything, it was a great way to lose more than 12 lbs in less than two weeks.

“I guess I kind of know how that feels.”

“It’s just, it was really hard to eat or sleep. I got my fucking heart torn out through my fucking chest.”
“You want to really feel it? Take a knife and just cut out your heart right now.”

I didn’t take the knife.
And then we just talked about casual stupid things.

……….

Third stranger.

“Being betrayed is one of the worst things you will ever go through.”

“I felt it once. It was not really severe tho, you could say it was a light one.”

“Just don’t wish for it. Guard your wish. Be careful on what you wish for.”
“You give your heart. And they destroy it all with betrayal. At first you can’t see it or do anything about it to make the pain go away. But there is always a future and the pain doesn’t leave us where we were. I did get over it by valuing myself and thinking more of myself. I began to see the real truth once I went through very long grief process for about a year.”

I didn’t know how to respond, I gave the stranger consolation and said thank you.

……….

Fourth stranger.

“I refused to believe what was happening.”
“And FYI, it’s always the people closest to you.”
“Those you trust the most, are the ones who hurt you the most.”

Oh I could definitely agree with the latter.

……….

Fifth stranger.

“Losing something you’ve trusted leaves a hole in your life and routine.
“I understand most people don’t give their trust to others easily, so the first instinct was to repair the trust I’ve spent so much time building so carefully.”
“My interests changed. My job was a total mess. I even left so much people. My family, my boyfriend, my brother and his wife. Almost literally everyone other than people in my workplace. I left my old place and started to live alone in a new place. I just really wish I didn’t do that. I wasn’t thinking with my brain. I actually left people that can be trusted because it felt like I can’t trust them. It was an idiotic thinking, I know.”
“Is there any special reason you’re asking people about this?”

“Well yeah, it’s because..”
“………..”
“That’s why.”

“No way. I’m sorry. I could understand that you love her so much.”
“But on the other hand, I could understand her, too. And you need to tell her that she really needs to see an expert. Don’t worry. She will be fine. For now maybe it’s best to left her alone. You and her will be fine. My gut says so.”

Sigh.
I hope you were right, stranger.

……….

Sixth Stranger.

“I had a deep distrust of everyone, including my closest friends, my girlfriend, and even myself.”
“The distrust of myself was especially hard. I felt that if my life was so essentially different from what I thought it was, that all my perception and gut feeling must be the suspect.”
“I learned that all this exceeding vigilance and distrust were just symptoms of trauma, as it made me feel less alone and keep me sane.”

“Did you see an expert? Therapists?”

“Yes, definitely. I believe people won’t even completely understand what is happening with themselves if they just do nothing about it. I could’ve done nothing about it and keep going on, but I know I was different, and I need some help.”
“Are you going through the same thing I went?”

“No, its..”
“………….”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Was it a trauma?”

“I guess yeah, I’m not an expert, but I bet my therapist would say so. I know that feeling she had. What I felt totally shakes my faith in humanity, too.”
“Hang on there. You and her will get through this. Definitely not unscarred, but I believe she’ll be fine eventually. Both of you will be fine. You love each other anyway.”

“Funny that most people said that too.”

“Because it’s true.”
“Don’t lose what you believe. It’s very important if you want to get through your days.”

Enlightening.
It really was.

……….

Seventh Stranger.

“I became mistrustful of feelings of love, happiness, and even normal everyday things.
“The betrayal emerged from a condition of what had seemed to be a happy life, so happiness itself became cause for fear and panic.”
“I had to repeat certain phrases or even facts to myself thousands of times (literally) in order to try to distinguish between the feeling that my world was going to fall out again and the actual probability of it happening in that moment.”

“And how did you recover yourself?”

“I realized that what I had was some kind of mental sickness. It was something that I denied hundreds of times. I always felt like I’ve changed and I’m fine, but I finally understood that I can’t stay like this forever.”
“I went to see a therapist.”
“The recovery from betrayal is even harder to describe than the betrayal itself, I can’t really say much about it.”
“But trust me, it was really amazing. It was the time that I felt like the change was real, not the change I had at the time when I was just experiencing my betrayal.”

A shame that the stranger didn’t tell me about their recovery.

……….

Eighth Stranger.
This is the therapist I was talking about.
Heck, I don’t even know if he/she is a real therapist.

“Because it was too expensive for a session?”

“I’m sorry?”

“That you decided to talk to strangers about your problems.

“Oh, it’s not me, its about…”
“………..”

“Why don’t you tell your gf to go to therapist?”

“I did, I believe I said something like that to her.”
“But she just don’t have the time, I guess. She took anti-depressants, but that’s all.”

“Everyone always have time for themselves. Anyone who said otherwise is definitely lying.”
“It’s for their own sake anyway.”
“Are you going to tell her all of what you’ve learned from strangers?”

“Not really, I don’t know. Both of us rarely talk after the incident.”
“She said she just wanted to be alone.”
“And she said she is currently moving on.”

“It must be difficult for her.”
“Find a way to tell her. What I found from my patients were, they rarely get help until it’s too late. It is very nice of you to try to understand what happened with her. I could understand that you love her very, very much.”
“But those what you’ve learned won’t matter if you don’t let her know about them.”
“Tell her that she is definitely not fine. It’s just a placebo effect created by her own mind to make her believe that she is perfectly fine. In fact, she is very far from the word ‘fine’.”
“Loss of trust comes in many forms. We lose trust in people, parents, lovers, friends, everyone. Disappointments are an inevitable part of life.”
“The magic itself is within her. It was the trust that shook her, you said? Then she needs to trust herself. Because rebuilding trust starts with trusting in yourself. Over time, she will starts to trust again. Just not now.”
“I begin to doubt you now. Have you talked to her about what happened with her? Communicating your feelings is very very important especially in a case like hers.”

“I tried to talk to her.”
“I said she could talk to me whenever she is ready.”
“But she always said that she will never be ready.
“And I just don’t understand that.”

“Explains why she just wants to be alone. It’s probably part of her personality and past experiences.”
“Tell her to forgive. Not the people who betrayed her. She needs to forgive herself. Almost all the main problem with the cases I faced was, because my patients can’t forgive themselves for trusting the people that betrayed her. Tell her to find a compelling reason to rebuild trust. Especially in you. Because from your story, I could see that you did nothing wrong in related to what happened to her.”
“Trust issues is basically just a fear lingering on. She has experienced hurt in the past, and she thought that it was because she made herself vulnerable. And she just doesn’t want to experience that hurt again. But nothing is ever certain with any form of relationship.”
“I need to go. I’m sorry. You could email me at xxx@xxx.com later if you need some advice. Especially for yourself. I know it must be hard for you to see someone you love so much reduced into something else. I will try to help you as much as I can.”
“Good night and good luck.”

I saved the stranger’s email.
I haven’t tried to contact them, tho.
Perhaps later.

……….

And just many, many, many more that I can’t write all of them here.

……….

“….Being betrayed by the person you least expect is just, brutal.”

“….Shocked beyond belief.”

“….A thousand pieces of glass piercing your heart.”

“….It has totally scarred my soul.”

“….Betrayal is a hard thing to get over and even harder to forgive.”

“….You get extremely paranoid about others and their ability to turn on you.”

“….My defenses went up. It was hard for me to get too close to people.”

“….I said emotional things and I even wrote emotional things in my workplace.”

“….My friend stabbed me in the back and buried me in the hole that I dug.”

“….It is when you can no longer look at a person in their eyes because of what they have done.”

“….Losing trust for someone who was close to you. Actually I was kinda relieved. It revealed their own selfish intentions.”

“….I was even famous for saying ‘I am not into relationships because they bring out my craziness.’ And now I am ashamed of it.”

……….

I actually don’t know why I did all of those.
I tried to understand it.
I really want to understand the pain that she’s been through.
But, just like I said, I just can’t really understand it.
Those strangers were really, really nice.
What the first stranger said was even explains to me why she seeks for approval and attention with her works and community.
But all of them have different responses in dealing with betrayals.
For all of you, if you have experience in something related to what I wrote in this post, do contact me if you want to share something. My email is in the about page.
Or you could just write it as a comment.

And honestly, I could see her in every single one of them.
Except the therapist.
It was like she has split to many strangers and talked to me many times.

I’m tired.
I barely get enough sleep thinking about what happened to her.
Like I said, again, I really, really want to understand.
I do understand, just not fully understand.

So, the conclusion?
Personally, I still think that she is going through depersonalization.
Other than that, I will let you lot decide.

……
……
……

Dear Love,

I don’t know why I am trying to understand what you’ve been through.
Perhaps because.. I want you to share your pain with me.
I really don’t want you to go through all this alone.
You, of all people, one of the person that I really love the most.

Perhaps it was folly.
Or maybe it was amazing because I’m trying to understand everything.
Or maybe what those strangers said gave you an enlightenment on yourself.
Whichever it was, know that I did it just because I love you and care about you.
And nothing else.

I need to get some sleep. No, plenty of it.
Honestly I want to write something more, but I’m just too tired.
I’ll do it when I wake up later.

Don’t forget to get plenty of rest yourself!
Go to sleep!
Oh, and, before you or I go to sleep, someone actually asked me this,

“What’s with all those Love poems? There are so many flavours in this world. Friendship, nature, life, death, and many more. Why don’t you write something else?”

I answered with,

“My Love is my muse. She’s the poetry. The most beautiful poetry in the world that is still learning alphabets. So I merely wrote her; I merely gave life to her in my poems.”

I hope it wasn’t too cheesy for your liking.
Yes, like I said numerous times: you are, my muse.
My very definition of Love.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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Sincerity.

  

I am holding sincerity as one of my first principles. I always hold my heart out and put my earnest thoughts and feelings in all that I do and I say. Especially in Love. Like rocks, sincerity give weights to my words. Some people might say it’s a virtue; One of the best. But even the best virtue has its own downfall.

When people’s thoughts and feelings are poisoned, they fail to see through the fog that hangs over their mind like a shroud. These kind of people always think critically and thoroughly, but in their heart and mind, there’s always an absence of hope; Blinded by their own negativeness.

Sadly, I have found that extreme Cynicism and Bitterness kill even the most sincere form of Sincerity.

 

V.A.C.W.

Clueless.

 

Cups of coffee; paper, pen, ink;
dried mouth, absence of sleep;
Shaking hand.
My mind starts to play tricks
I couldn’t comprehend.
These scribbles and obscure words
are staring right into my eyes,
muttering one terrifying
question:

“How can you breathe life into us
if you don’t even understand
how to breathe?”

 

V.A.C.W.
11:28

 

This is not a writer’s block,
or whatever you would name it.
This is just me trying to understand
something I never experienced before.
It took me all night and day.
It robbed me of my sleep.
Yet I remain oblivious.

All or Nothing.

  

I don’t agree with people who says ‘It’s just a casual Love’ or ‘Don’t love too much’. In fact, I would have hard time believing them whenever they say they love something or someone. It’s like saying, ‘I don’t really believe in God, but I’ll keep praying anyway.’ And the term ‘casually loving’ itself is just weird. What’s the point of Loving if you don’t put your whole heart to display?

For me the essence of Loving is that I have to give all the feelings that I have for something or someone. A fierce kind of Loving – that’s just how I can truly and fully feel Love. No quarters, no halves, no three-quarters. I don’t Love in fractions.

I am an all or nothing kind of soul.

 

V.A.C.W.
04:07

27-12-2015.

03:31

It’s a full moon tonight.
I don’t remember seeing a full moon on days around Christmas.
But again, I just started this stargazing habit since a year ago.

A habit that I never once told her about it.

I remember that day when I was sleeping next to her.
I woke up thirsty.
She was asleep.
I drank some water and looked outside the window.
It was 4 am; I tried to look for the stars.
But the lights around the city were too bright.
The stars were nothing but bunch of very faint lights in the sky.
I thought to myself,

“The view’s beautiful. The moon might be hiding, and I might not be able to see the stars from here, but the city lights are also fine.”

I looked at her.
The faint city lights were lighting up her face.
Her sleeping face.
I smiled and thought to myself once again,

“And here I got her, someone more beautiful than the moon and the stars, and of course, the city lights.”

I went back to bed and kissed her eyes.
It was one of the most perfect moment in my life.

And usually, I drink coffee while sitting on the roof and stargazing.
Although I skipped my coffee today.
I’m currently drinking a tea.
Yesterday, I got the worst caffeine rush ever.
I made my coffee too thick.

My heart was beating faster.
And I got overloaded focus.
My chest and stomach was kind of hurting all the time.
And I didn’t even get enough sleep.
Well, I still got one poem out of it.
So I’d say it was kind of worth it.
But I decided to skip a coffee for tonight.
It’s cold out here, but a cup tea will do just fine.

Anyway, I talked to another stranger yesterday.
If you wonder why do I keep talking to strangers you should perhaps read my previous posts.
The point is, I got no one to talk to about my problems.
At least not anymore.

So, yeah, I talked to a stranger.
I gave them a summary of what happened to me.
And then they asked me some questions,

“Wait, you love her?”
“Yes.”
“She loves you?”
“Yes.”
“And were you guys happy?”
“Very.”
“Then why? It doesn’t makes sense”

Why? Why indeed.
I explained to them what happened.
And the response was :

“She seemed to be very deeply shaken up. You know, I don’t think she needed friends, companies, or distractions. I think she needed a psychiatrist more than anything.”

Oh, I don’t know about that, stranger.
I just don’t understand about this psychiatrist thing.
I said to them it’s kind of funny that her trust to me vanished in a single day.
And I didn’t even do anything.

She was so close beside me.
I could even still feel her breath on my face when she was sleeping next to me.
And she’s so far now.

Sad? Well of course I am.
People always look at me and telling me that I look sad and tired.
Why do they always like to point the obvious?
Yes, I am sad, and tired; Not physically tired.
And somewhat hurting.
It’s just, because of the unfairness.
If I could, I would whine about this unfairness every single day.
Why does everything just seems so unfair ?

I just don’t know about anything anymore.
All I want is just be happy with the person I love the most.
Is that so hard?

At time like this, I wish the moon could talk to me.
Or even the stars, eventhough they are so far away.
And I don’t know what am I trying to accomplish by talking to them.
Because I literally am, talking to them.

Eventhough they can’t talk, and probably can’t hear me.
They still see billions of people everyday from up there.

And they could still keep secrets with their silence.

……

Dear Love,

Yes, I literally did what I wrote.
I don’t know if you were awake at that time when I kissed you.
But I don’t think you were.

Yes, you might have changed.
The pain might have changed you.
Or not.
Maybe it was just merely what you feel.
Maybe you’re just too afraid and all.

I don’t know, Love.
I don’t really know.
But know this.
You kept saying that you’re not the same person as you were before that happened.
But it’s not about how I want you to become like what you were.
Do you remember what I said few days after that happened?
I said,

“Yes, you are undergoing change. For better or worse. But I just don’t care. I will still love you for what you are just because you are you. And nothing can change that.”

And yet you said nothing after I said that.
Let me say this once again.
I love you NOT because I want you to become what you were.
My love to you isn’t that shallow.
I love you, just because you are simply you.

So keep this well in your heart and mind :
I love you for all that you are.

For what you were, what you are, and what you are about to be.

 
Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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Seasons.

 

She was the Spring.
Her tantalizing voice
made flowers blooming
and birds singing
in rejoice.

She was the Summer.
A mixture of love
and infectious laughter;
Brighter and warmer
than the sun above.

She was the Autumn.
Like a fallen dead leaf,
withered and forgotten,
she plunged to the bottom
of the pit of disbelief.

She is the Winter.
Cold devoured her whole;
That even the winter
could learn from her
frostbitten soul.

 

V.A.C.W.
06:37

 

A long, harsh winter has come.
It might seem endless for now.
But,
No winter last forever;
No spring skips its turn.