28-11-2015.

13:10

I woke up, and I thought of her.
Well, I always think of her everytime I wake up and before falling asleep at night.

The pain came. And it hurts like hell.
I asked myself,

“Why did she do that to me? Did I even do something wrong in the first place?”

And I couldn’t found an answer.
But then, the pain subsided.
I remember yesterday when she lied to me.
She actually lied to me so many times.
Until this very minute, I just don’t get it. Why did she choose to lie to me?

The logic is, if you have nothing to hide, then you won’t lie.
And she lied.
She got something to hide from me.
What’s more, she even insisted to me many times that she did NOT lie.
Well, the cat’s out of the bag now.

That thought made my heart numb.

I don’t know the reason she lied.
But if she lied to me that many times, there must be something.
I don’t know, maybe she’s cheating.
Or maybe not, I really do NOT bloody know.
I don’t have any other thinking other than that.
Because it was a simple “Yes I hide it from you.”
It was so bloody simple. God.

And she lied.

……

Dear Love,

I didn’t ask you to be lovey dovey.
I just asked you to stay with me, and try to find something to fix us.

You said I’ll be fine without you?
Well here’s the breaking news for you,
I won’t.

You didn’t even try to fix yourself.
You didn’t even try to fix us.
Just because of one selfish thinking.
Just because you THOUGHT I would be fine without you.

You’re not thinking straight ever since ‘that’ happened.
Maybe next time you should stop using your brain.
And feel it with your heart instead.
Remember that you do want to give me a chance but you can’t?
You’re letting your brain full of awful thoughts win.
And you let your heart succumb to it.

Put yourself in my position.
Would you be fine without me if I’ve done the same thing?
Maybe you would say, “Yes I would.”
But that’s because you did not really put yourself in my shoes.

I remember you said you’re not surprised if anyone leaves.
And you’d be more surprised if they stay.
I don’t know if you’re surprised or what, but I do surprised you tried to left me.

If you were the one who fight for me for 2 straight months, and ended up failed, ended up being lied to, ended up seeing someone you love being lovey dovey with someone else even though they clearly said that they can’t do lovey dovey shit, how do you think that would feel?
I’ll tell you how does that feel for me.

It’s like I’m being thrown into a pit full of spikes, and then burned to ashes.
And it’s like you were the one who threw me down the pit.
You threw someone who loves you and would do anything for you to the pit.

Again, if you don’t believe in my love for you, if you just can’t trust me, if it is all about not wanting to trust someone, just READ all my posts from the start to the end.
Open your eyes. Open your heart.
Stop clouding yourself with that selfish cynical bitter mind of yours.
And think about me sometimes.

You said you’ve read the Magic book, you’ve read the Jar.
Now read it again without those stupid awful emotions.
You wrote that book to REMIND YOURSELF of us in difficult times.
What do you think our situation looks like right now?
Easy times? A stroll in the park?

Sigh.

You said you still have your love and trust for me somewhere in your heart.
But they are shaded by your fear.
So I dare you to actually READ your magic book.
I dare you to READ all my posts.
Most importantly, READ them without your stupid emotions.
Put them ASIDE while you read.
I don’t know if you really have read them all or not. But I don’t think you have.
It’s Saturday, right? Spend this day to read all of those things I mentioned.

And if you ask, yes, I do still love you.
Like I said, my bloody stupid heart always forgive someone he loves.

Although,
“No matter how much I fight for someone, they always ended up leaving me.”
You should eradicate those words from your mind.
Because they suit me really well right now.

And about the signature in my every posts,
even though I’m too lazy to write “Love, Yours” right now, know that I’m still yours until today.
You’ve sealed me ever since this moment happened.
 
V.A.C.W.
 


respect

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