23-11-2015.

03:08

Yesterday was a very tiring day.
Got some chores to do, and I made plenty of food.
It was Sunday, anyway.
I took a 3-hour nap.

And I was not dreaming.

No, you read it clearly.
I was NOT dreaming.
For you lot, it might seem strange, but to me, it meant something.

Precisely because that was the first time I got dream-free sleep since more than a month ago.

Like I said in this post, I kept having dreams everytime I went to sleep.
Some are weird, some are heartbreaking, and some are just complete nightmare.
And all my dreams were always about her. Were always related to her.
But that nap, that nap really was dream-free.
I even muttered to myself,

“… Wow? Finally? After more than a month?”

And it was the most pleasant sleep I had since more than a month ago.
Well, constantly woke up because of stupid weird dreams was absolutely not fun.

I was thinking.
What does this mean ?
Does this mean I am not missing her anymore? I am not yearning for her anymore?
No, I miss her. I miss her everyday. More than she will ever know.
Missing someone and being flustered because of fear and frustration are two different things.
And I think.. I think I began to trust her in whatever she is doing.

Like I said in my post 2 days ago, we had a long debate.
I asked her to give me a chance.
And I know for sure that she wants to give me one, but she don’t want to watch me suffer and flustered everyday because of her.
As you may know, the source of me being flustered was because of her “Hiding” things from me.
Was in quotation because she was not actually “hiding” things.
The point is, I already promised her to stop doing stupid things.
And I promised her that I would trust her completely.

Now, it seems like I am, trusting her completely in whatever she’s doing.
I believe she’s not doing stupid cheating things behind me.

“The dream-free sleep meant nothing. You will be back to your daily flustered routine real soon.”

Yeah? Now, don’t be so cynical.
I understand that people will always have doubts to other people.
Even if it’s someone that they already knew very well.
But, there is always a thing called resolve. Determination.
I once promised her that I would not make her regret trusting me.
And, she said she wanted to give me a chance.
That, is a sign of trust. And I will NOT let her down.
I will NOT make her regret trusting me now.
One thing I know for sure is, to beat cynicism, I need to show my qualities.
I need to fight it with positivity.
Well, you can’t fight fire with fire, now can you?

But, really, I am at my peace of mind since she and I had that debate.
I don’t know why. Maybe because she cleared few things from me ?
The thing is, now I could focus on my work.
I could focus on writing things about her and about us.
I could focus on my reading.
Because since two months ago, and until yesterday, everytime I read, after 20 to 30 minutes, I always ended up wanting to know whatever she’s doing.
And of course, I ended up stopped reading.
Believe me, for someone who’s suffering from acute book addiction, it was not fun.
But right now, all I want to do is to write more poems about me and her.

There’s one more thing that I need to focus on.
Her recovery.
She said to me the reason she can’t talk to me freely is because she and I have a really really sweet and wonderful relationship.
Yes, I know it kind of doesn’t make sense.
Even I am having a difficulty understanding that one.
But, after what happened to her, everything is possible now.
I actually don’t know how to help her recover.
Well, she even said to me that she does not know how to fix herself.
I gave her a book about self-help, but I don’t think she read it.
Was it because of her stubbornness ? Maybe.
Or maybe because she thought the book wouldn’t help her much?
I’m not sure.

All I know for sure right now is, she did want to give me a chance.
I need to prove myself to her.
I could say with me stopped having stupid weird dreams was a sign.
A very good sign for me that I completely believe her.
That I completely trust her.

I promised her. The promise changed me.
No, more like, I promised her because I love her.
Love, changed me.

……

Dear Love,

I promised I will trust you in whatever you are doing.
I believe you are not doing stupid cheating things behind me.
And now, It feels like I fully trust and believe in you.

Do NOT think yourself as a cruel or evil person.
Like I said, you can’t even crush a bug. Not even mosquitoes.
And you call yourself cruel? Evil?
I remember I said to you that I always hunt bugs or even mosquitoes in my room.
Now, if you call yourself cruel or even evil, then what am I? the Satan himself?
You are NOT responsible for being what you are in this phase right now, my dear.
Stop blaming yourself.
Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Yesterday, I found a quote that reflects you very well.

“Most cynics are really crushed romantics: they’ve been hurt, they’re sensitive, and their cynicism is a shell that’s protecting this tiny, dear part inside them.”

I know you’re trying to protect yourself, you keep telling yourself that you are safe inside your shell. And you keep saying to yourself that you are not going to be yourself again.
But you know that those are not true.
Not all people will betray you and/or use your kindness.
That’s not how the world works. Read the picture at the end of this post.
You’re still the very same person you were born inside.
Your past experiences do not define you.

Close your ears, stop listening to your negativity and cynicism.
Listen to that little chest of yours. Listen to your heart.
All you have to do, is simply believe in the whispers from your heart.
And everything will be alright.
Trust me.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.
 


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