21-11-2015.

03:13
 
We had a debate.
Again.

We talked about a lot of things.
How did the debate happened?

Long story short, I was stalking her, and I found her talking things to a random guy. About Skype.
The point is, it turns out the guy was allowed to Skype with her.
And, as you may know, I am not.
I was mad. I was flustered.
First, she was hiding things on Facebook, and now THIS ?

I asked for her explanation, I gave her 6 hours to explain or else I am going to take it as she’s cheating on me.

That was how the debate started.

She explained things about her “Hiding” her Facebook timeline from me.
She said she’s not hiding anything from me over there.
She was just changed the photo’s privacy. And that’s that.

And she explained to me that the guy was just an ordinary guy from her community. And there’s nothing between her and that guy.

I just.. Can’t explain everything.
It was super complicated. We talked about a lot of things.

The point is, she hates being stalked.
And she said I stalked her everywhere.
That’s not entirely true. It is true that I was stalking her in a game.
But definitely not everywhere.
But yes, I stalked her. That’s the truth.

That made her totally scared.
It was like, I am the one responsible for her being paranoid.
But then, maybe.. I really was.
She said she felt responsible for making me flustered and afraid everyday.
She felt so.. Cruel for making me like that.

She saw all my writings in this blog.
She knew I’m flustered. And she knew how many times I always tried to trust whatever she’s doing behind her back.
And I failed just the exact same number of my tries.

And I know it’s not only about her being afraid.
It’s about me.
I know she cares about me and do not want to watch me suffer.

And she wanted to break up.

Just because she can’t watch me suffer.
And she felt like being.. Watched all the time.

I asked for a chance. But she just don’t want to give me any.
I know it’s not all about her. It’s not about her, actually.
It is about me.
Like I said, she does NOT want to watch me suffer.
She said it felt like she’s keeping me in prison.
A prison named status.
She doesn’t want me to be flustered anymore.
She just doesn’t want me to feel like she’s doing anything behind me.
She doesn’t want me to have bad feelings, like,

“Oh, You don’t want to tell me what’s happening? You must be hiding something behind my back. You have to tell me what’s going on, I am your boyfriend!”

While she just can’t freely talk to me like she was.
And in truth, she’s not doing anything behind me.
Well, she is, just not stupid lovey-dovey things.
She’s chasing something. It’s about her work.
She said it’s about my ego. I will always think something like that.
That’s why she said our status is a prison for me.

And I asked her just ONE chance.
Not two, three, four, or five. just ONE.
She said she DOES want to give me chance.
But she doesn’t want to be cruel, she just does not want me to suffer.

I can’t explain it clearly.
Right now, I know if i write something, my words will be all patchy.
But I want to write something.
I want to pour my feelings out.

All I know is.. She’s really care about me.
And she is definitely NOT cruel. She can’t even crush a bug.
Not even mosquitoes.

I said to her if she gave me one more chance, I will prove myself.
I will prove to her that I can trust her completely in whatever she’s doing.
I will stop pestering her about my agitation.
I will make her free of from fear.
And I said to her I will promise her all of those.
She knows I never break my promises.

And I believe, I could change.
I could change myself to completely trust her and stop being flustered everyday.

I really hope she give me a chance to prove myself.
I hope she listens to her heart.

……

Dear Love,

I’m sorry I made you depressed with all our talks.
I didn’t mean to make your condition worse.

I know you’re afraid of me.
I know you think I will just keep on doing whatever I was doing.
Especially stalking and being flustered.
Believe me, it has stopped.
Know that I was being flustered because it was like you were hiding everything from me.

Give me a chance to prove myself.
I won’t waste it.
I will show you why you should keep me in your life.
I promised you that I wont make you regret trusting me.
Now, trust me in this.
I said to you I want to promise you about all of those things.
About not pestering you, not stalking you, and letting you chase your dreams.
And I will stop asking you about what you are actually doing.
I will still talk to you, but I won’t ask stupid petty questions like I did when you were blocking your timeline from me.

You said it was about my ego.
No. This time, I won’t let my ego win.
I won’t let my ego stand between me and you.
I will kill it, and bury it so deep not even me can find it again.

Let’s not throw away what we have.
You understand that what we have is so sweet and wonderful.
You even admitted it.
Yes, right now, everything seems so bad. Everything seems to fall apart.
And you said you don’t know how to fix it.

I know how. To give me a chance.
This is a step for us.
By this, we can both wash away our fears.
We can be finally free from what we’re afraid of.
Think of what happened to us.
You taking a step back and hide your timeline from me, and me with my fear and frustration, they were all came from our fear.
If we do this, if we keep ourselves open and understanding to each other,
I believe we could finally be free from our fears. Once and for all.

My words might be patchy and hard to understand right now.
But, my resolve stays the same. It won’t waver.
Trust me to trust you. I won’t make you regret trusting me.
Let’s not give up. Let’s not lose hope.
We don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

What I got from stargazing was, when the sky gets darker, more stars will came out.
In our darkest times, we could always find a light if we look for it.
Let’s strive on.
Together.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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2 comments

  1. lukebwalls · November 21, 2015

    please keep sharing. Your blog is wonderful. Thank you for opening up to us

    Liked by 1 person

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