20-11-2015. [2]

11:19.

Starting from this post, I’m going to add timestamp at the first line of every post.

Okay.
From all the things that I do not understand, this one is positioned #1 at that list.

Why is she hiding everything from me?

This time I’m going to explain what happened yesterday.

I remember I was being impatient at this post.
And that results in her hiding her messenger timeline from me.
Then, yesterday, when I was just arrived at home, I opened my Facebook mobile.
Since months ago, long before that happened, I put her in my see-first and close friends list in Facebook for no particular reason.
Well, she’s my girlfriend, why would I need another reason to put her on those list?

And yesterday I saw a notification of her changing her profile picture.
But when I clicked it, the notification is gone, and it’s not showing up in her timeline.
I thought Facebook mobile went stupid, so I just didn’t care.
But then, I can’t comment on her profile picture. I can’t click it.
By then I realized, she’s hiding things from me on Facebook, too.

I was furious.
It felt like I’m being treated unfairly.

I understand if she’s hiding her things from those bastards.
But, me? Really?
Why is she afraid of me?
I told her countless times that I don’t have anyone to talk to.
I don’t have anyone to tell my stories to.
But it’s like she doesn’t want me to tell those bastards about what happened.
It’s like, she thinks I got something with those fucktards that done the awful things to her.

And that, does not makes sense.

She said to me,

“Don’t tell anything about me to our mutual friends. To anyone that knew me. They love to watch me suffer.”

And I said, okay. I said to her that her secret is safe with me.
But, she’s still hiding everything from me.

It’s like she doesn’t believe me that I’m all alone since she left me.
I got no best friends after what happened months ago.
I got two people close to me, my sister and my cousin. But I don’t want to tell her what happened.

Again, I. Am. All. Alone.

And she’s hiding everything about herself from a man who has no one to talk to and tell his stories to except from her and this blog, from a man who loves her, wants to help her and make her happy. From a man who’s being left alone in the dark.

I don’t understand how she can hide everything from me, while in fact I’m all alone by myself since she stopped talking to me.
It’s like she’s making me more miserable.
It’s like, it’s not enough for her to stopped talking to me.
She has to pour salt to my injuries by hiding everything from me.

I need her to tell me the reason right now.

……

Dear Love,

I decided to write it in the WordPress to see if there’s any difference between talking to you directly and writing down my thoughts and feelings.
And there’s clearly a difference.
I could be more vivid with my thoughts and feelings here, but I can’t publicly write some of the things I said to you.
Especially private things that only we know.
And that’s why I need to talk to you directly about this.

It’s a good thing I’m being anonymous.

What I’m trying to say to you is..
You are being ridiculous.
Your paranoid level to me is already beyond stupid.

Think of it this way :
If I got something with those people who hurt you, don’t you think I’d already left you since weeks ago?
If I’m merely spying on you for those people, why I keep persisting on making you feel better and support you with your recovery?
If you think I’m connected with those people, what do I owe them? You know me well that I don’t play any shitty games they play or do anything that connected me to them.

Stop being so inconsiderate.
Stop saying all of this is just because you’re tired of relationship.
This is definitely NOT about you being tired of relationship.
This about you and your doubts, your fear, and your paranoia.

You are bursting out all of your insecurities on me.
Me, who’s already being left alone in the dark.
Stop looking from your side. Look from my side or another side.
If you look closely from those sides, don’t you think you are being stupidly ridiculous?
Don’t you think you have consumed by your own fear and paranoia?
Don’t you think it’s unnecessary for you to hide things from me?

And, if you STILL think I wrote this post just so I can finally see what you’re doing, so I can tell those people who wants to destroy you in order to provide them with information, so they can destroy you more and more,
or maybe you think I’m telling anyone other than you, maybe you think I’m telling those bastards about this blog,

then I say you’re barking mad.
I say you’re being an idiot.

I could give you the password so you can see the stats yourself.
And I might just do it later today.

Don’t let your fear and paranoia dictate you what to do.
Stop looking with your eyes.
Stop looking with your mind.
They are clouded by your fear and paranoia.

Look and think with your heart.
Look past your fear.
Look at the unclouded truth.
Don’t let yourself be a victim of your own paranoia.
Don’t let your insecurities eat you alive.
You’re stronger than that.

Look at me, look at my photo, and ask yourself who is that man you’re looking at.
Do you think that man would do something awful to you?
That man loves you and care about you with all his heart.
You know it too bloody well.

Don’t be afraid to trust me.
Start to trust me. One step at a time.
Give me a way, a chance to prove myself.
I’ve done my first step by writing things for you.
Just to show you how much I love you.

Now, its up to you.
It’s up to you to open your arms and receive me in your heart.
Have faith in me.
More importantly, have faith in yourself.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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