19-11-2015.

I was driving back home. 4-5 hours of driving.
And I was thinking about this one topic. It just won’t get out of my head.

Bitterness.

Why bitterness?
Well, obviously it has to do with her condition right now.
And because this morning, I saw a quote by Nelson Mandela on my Instagram.

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”

I instantly thought of her.
I thought, this is just like her.

I remember what she said,
“It feels like I’m in prison and I’m forced to behave myself. And it’s torturing me.”

At that time, I was confused and really want her to become just like what she was before that happened.
I was prepared – although not fully – to wait for her and give her space she badly needed.
But she said that the thought of me waiting for her is a prison for her.
I was perplexed, because that would mean she didn’t want me to wait for her. And that kind of doesn’t makes sense, because I wasn’t exactly forcing her, and I wasn’t about to do anything bad to her. I’m not a villain or anything. Why did she feels like she’s in prison?

And now I kind of understand why.
She created her own prison.

Its not exactly her, but her awful feelings created the prison for her.
She held on to her bitterness, and possibly, hatred because of what happened.
Although I’m not really sure of the latter,
because she said she already forgave all of those bastards.
The point is, she’s unable to get the freedom that she deserves.

I understand that she’s been hurt from what happened.
She might feel angry, bitter, or even hopeless to recover, to overcome the pain.
But, all I could see, she’s the only one responsible for causing herself any current pain and hurt by remaining bitter about the pain and hurt that she felt in the past. That she felt from the betrayal.

Well, I know she doesn’t want this. She doesn’t want herself to be bitter.
And her bitterness won’t go away overnight.

But, why does it persists?
I mean, I know it’s not that easy for her to wash away her bitterness, but still.

I know she was hurt by someone she knew and trusted well.
Honestly, if I were her, then I would’ve thought that it doesn’t make sense that someone I knew would’ve done such a thing to me.
And, well, I think that’s going to be very, very hard to deal with.
So she’s not only struggling with trauma, but also with her trust.
Those two things compounds her bitterness.

Another thing that I thought is about her flashbacks. Her feelings might keep getting triggered by events that remind her of what happened in the past.
She needs to realize that she needs to stop replaying the event in her head.
Or maybe, she just can’t control what’s in her mind. Maybe she keeps accidentally reminded of what happened in the past, even if she doesn’t want to remember it.
But I believe I said to her about facing and accepting her feelings. I even gave her a self-help book.
I believe those things should be able to help her.

Right now, her bitterness consumes her.
It took over her positive feelings she has, and all she’s left with is a negative, bitter-laced feelings.
The bitterness has robbed her of her chance to be happy.
She’s so focuses on her past that she can’t enjoy the present.
Honestly, the way I look at it is that she’s already lost time in her life to this terrible thing that happened to her.
And she needs to stop lose even more to her own doing.
She needs to stop living in the past.

“But what about you? Since weeks ago you keep looking back, too.”

There’s a big difference between LOOKING to the past and LIVING in the past.
I’m only looking to the past. But I’m living in the present. I’m focusing myself on understanding her. And I’m focusing myself on her recovery process.
But she’s.. It’s as if she’s still living in the past. It’s as if she’s dragging all her awful pasts in a huge bag, weighing her in the present. And sometimes, she would look inside that bag, and remember all the awful things that happened.

“Its easier to talk, you don’t understand how does it really feel to be betrayed, to be hurt by someone you really knew and trusted.”

That is right.
I don’t mean to make myself sounds miserable, but, right now, I have no best friend.
Friends, I got plenty. Best friends? None.
So I’m not going to deny if any of you said that I don’t really know how it feels. It’s fine, it’s right. I don’t know exactly how she felt.
All I know, I’m writing obvious points about her condition, and I’m writing anything that came to my mind.
I don’t care if all of those look like empty advices.
All I care, I really want to help her by saying what I have in mind, and by writing some truths about her condition.

Because I know, if she keeps being bitter, it’s like she’s digging a hole for herself that she keeps digging every day.
The deeper she digs, the longer the path back to the top.
I understand that no one should fault her for becoming bitter.
But she needs to know that she owe herself so much more than that..
She deserves to be happy, and be able to love and trust without doubt.

I don’t know if she really read my posts, I mean, I know she reads my posts but I don’t know if she read them completely from start to end,
or if she’s just merely scroll them from top to the bottom of the page.
But I hope, all my writings about my thoughts and feelings reach her directly to her heart, and will help her in her recovery process.

……

Dear Love,

I know that this post might sounds like a lecture.
Way worse than the one you get from your lecturers every few days.
So I advice you to calm yourself down before you continue.
Do not let your emotions blind you from thinking straight.

Believe me when I say it was all my honest thoughts and feelings.
And I just really want to help you.
Because bitterness is a deadly poison, and you don’t deserve it. You deserve way better things.

Let’s start on small things first.
For example, try talking daily things to me.
When you succeed in doing that, trust me, you’ll feel empowered.
I believe that kind of small victories can make you start to feel less bitter.
Think of it as like trying to push the bitterness out.
You have to find your way back to being positive, so that the positive feelings will start to fight back and push out the negative feelings.
One thing’s for sure, you can’t beat bitterness with more bitterness.

And, I’m going to be brutally honest with you right now. This one is hard to hear.
But the sooner you know and accept it, the better.
You have to realize that in order to successfully overcome your bitterness, you’re the one who has to change, and not the world.
The world around you, around me, around us, will always stay the same.
If you wait for the world to change around you, you’re going to be waiting forever.
Forget revenge, forget about apologies, forget about disappointment.
Take charge of your happiness and learn to let things go. Again, you deserve to be happy.
Let those fucktards go to whatever hell they wish to go.
I know it’s not easy, but it DOES get easier over time.

This is the toughest one of all.
You have to forgive.
Not those jerks, I remember you said you forgive them already.
But the most important person you need to forgive is yourself, even if you don’t realize it yet.
Like I said, it never is your fault. You’re not an idiot for trusting those assholes.
Don’t blame yourself, my dear.

Don’t give up. Don’t let go.
Don’t let yourself lose any more time succumbing to the bitterness, but don’t rush it.
It’s not going to go away overnight.
But it WILL go away. Just do your best.
Always remember, you have me.
We are in this together. I won’t leave you no matter what.
Deep breath.
Stay positive.
Have faith.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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