19-11-2015. [2]

My head hurts.
I’m so tired from today. But I just can’t sleep.

And suddenly, the feelings came.
The fear. The frustration.
Suddenly I’m thinking awful things about her.

The most awful thought I had was :
She is hiding something from me. Maybe she is hiding from me just so she can get close to another guy ?

The exhaustion, the fear, the frustration, all mixed up to one feeling.
My insecurity was screaming in joy. He triumphed.
In the heat of the moment, I was very, very, very, very upset. And ready to vent all my feelings to her.
I told myself to calm down and shut up numerous times.
But I failed.

And now, I’ve done it.

Less than an hour ago, I told her all bottled up feelings.
The bottle’s empty now.
I told her,
“If you are hiding something from me just so you can get close to another guy, just tell me. There is no need to hide. It’s unnecessary.”

And her response was ? A simple wry smile. 🙂

Suddenly, I remember what she said a month ago.
That time, she and I were debating.
And that time, it was like this, I was upset and asking her if she has a new boyfriend. If she has already left me.
Her response was,

“When I read your messages about all of your doubts. Saying that I’m having new friends, enjoying my life, and the worst, having new bf, I don’t even get angry with you. You know what? I smiled 🙂 That’s just a perfect reflection of me towards people right now.”

I asked myself, is it wrong for me to have that kind of thought ?
I think I’m going crazy.
Few days ago, I wrote about this thing, about why am I being flustered everyday.
I explained everything in that post.
But right now, I really need more than a wry smile to calm myself down.

But she just won’t say anything, for God’s sake.
Are her words just too expensive for me? Maybe she thinks I don’t deserve her words?
I don’t know. I really don’t know.

Right now, she’s just letting me drowning in my confusion, in my fear and frustration. She’s just.. Don’t want to help me.
She keeps her silence.
And I don’t understand why.

There are a lot of things that I still don’t understand.
Things in this post are some of them.

My chest hurts. My head hurts.
I just don’t understand.

……

Dear Love,

I don’t know why you’re hiding everything from me.
I really don’t understand.
I don’t have anyone to talk to.
I really don’t have anyone to tell my stories to.

You need to know, right now, I don’t have anyone.
I am all alone since you left me in the darkness.

I don’t know WHY you don’t trust me.
It’s a capital WHY.

Was it because of something that I said ?
Did I say something wrong to you ?

You don’t even want to tell me anything.

And right now,
It’s as if I’m sitting alone in the darkness.
And you’re watching from outside.
You are watching from the light.
But you’re not doing anything.
You’re just smiling.

It’s like you’re happy watching me dying in the darkness.

V.A.C.W.

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