18-11-2015.

I’m a little sad today.
I even had to stop working on my unfinished poem and write my feelings.

Tomorrow is a very important day for me. A day that I will finally achieve. Fruit of my hard work since months ago.
And, honestly, I won’t be able to achieve it without her.

What day is it exactly is not that important.
Well, more like I don’t really want to tell what it is.

The point is, because of what happened to her, she became unable to cherish what I’ve achieved. Even though she was the one who support me the hardest.
And now, she’s colder than liquid Nitrogen.
It’s like she doesn’t care. Not even the slightest tiniest bit.

And honestly, my heart hurts just a little.

I said to her, it is okay, I understand how she feels right now.
She might be depressed, overthinking, and trying so hard to fix herself because of what I said about tomorrow’s event.
And I don’t really want her to force herself to do things that she still can’t do.
I mean, I would be happy. I would be extremely overjoyed if she would come and celebrate what I achieved with me.

But, I looked at her closely.
I looked at how hard she is to do a very simple thing like talking to me.
I mean, she does talk to me, one or two sentences, and not everyday.
And it’s a very good sign of her improving from her condition right now.
Still, I don’t want her to force herself to quickly change in a day into someone she was before that happened, just because tomorrow is a very important day for me.
She still needs her time. Recovery is not an instant process that can happen overnight.

People said, when you really care about someone, you could hear them speak, you could even hear them scream even when they’re silent.
And I began to understand that saying.

For now, all I can do to make myself feel better is by.. Writing every thoughts and feelings that came to my heart and mind.
Just like this.
Everytime I write, I feel like I could understand her better.
Everytime I hold my pen, it feels like there’s only me and her in my head.

When will she recover?
I guess time will tell.
It all depends on her. And I know she’s doing the best she can.

I hope, it won’t be long.

……

Dear Love,

I would be lying to you if I said I’m not sad with our condition right now.
Especially because tomorrow is an important day for me.
It hurts, just a little bit.

But, trust me when I say I’m okay.
I understand your condition. I understand what you’re going through.
I know you don’t want this to happen. And I know deep in your heart you want to be like you were before that happened.

So, don’t overthink. Don’t be depressed.
Remember that those awful feelings you feel is only temporary.
Continue to recover yourself.
Because it’s the thing that really matters right now.

If you haven’t took your first step, try to take it now.
Remember what I said to you in the letter yesterday.
Don’t be afraid to trust me.
Try to read all my writings. Let them serve as a proof of my love, and as a base for you to begin to trust me.

And honestly, if you think my writings don’t prove my sincere and honest love and care to you,
then I don’t know what will.

Don’t give up. Never let go.
Always remember that I’ll be there for you, no matter what.
You’ll be okay. We will be okay.
The breakthrough is just around the corner. Just a little more.
I believe you can feel yourself getting better.
Strive on, my dear.
Have faith.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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