16-11-2015.

Suddenly.

I understand why I’m being like this.
I understand why I’m flustered everyday.

It’s not because she’s talking to another people and not to me.
I don’t care, I know the difference between me and those people in her eyes.
I guess I’m ‘special’ enough for getting a silent treatment from her.
Eventhough if people see what she’s doing to me, it would be.. Weird.

“So.. Because deep in her heart she loves you and trust you.. She can’t talk to you?”
“Yes ! Isn’t that amazing ?”
“Uh.. No ?”

Something like that.

Anyway, that’s not the point.
I said I understand why I am flustered everyday.

It is all because I am afraid of our relationship.

What kind of afraid?
Many kinds. But at this time, there are two things that I’m really afraid of.

I am afraid to lose her.
I am afraid that she would find someone better than me while she’s trying to recover herself.
How afraid? I would prefer play horror games or watch horror movies 24/7 than having that thought.

Look, I know this is stupid and pretty much it’s just my insecurities acting up.
But I just can’t get this out of my head.
If you were me, getting a silent treatment everyday because of her condition, and you don’t know what she is actually doing, what would you feel ? What would you think ?
I bet my wallet that you would be flustered and confused, you would want to know whatever she is actually doing.

I tried to identify why am I so flustered everyday.
Because I know, I understand her condition. I understand what she is going through.
But deep inside, there’s always something that is making me anxious everyday.
And that, was the cause.

I am just simply afraid of losing her.

I told her about this yesterday. Or two days ago. I can’t quite remember.
And, like usual, she was not replying.
I told her I’m really really really scared of my relationship with her because I don’t know whatever she’s doing.
Now I don’t know what she was thinking when I said that, but I believe she understands.
She’s just.. Didn’t know what to say ?
She’s always does that. Almost everytime I talk about my feelings to her, she would reply it with one simple sentence : “I don’t know what to say..”

Honestly, she is a hard girl to understand.
She likes to hide something from people. Sometimes even me.
She once said to me,
“There are things that you just don’t need to know. Curiosity is a good thing, but sometimes there are things that we don’t need to hear.”
Obviously not this thing.

I know she understands how this must feel for me.
Few months ago, I said something to her jokingly,
“… Yeah, there’s someone here, a girl, in my room. That’s why you can’t go here. Hahaha !”
She went silent.
Later that day, she was having migraine because of what I said to her.
She was very afraid. Afraid that there was really someone in my room.
Yet, she decided to trust me because it’s the only thing she can do.
Since that day, I never joked about having another girl around me.
And I promised her not to joke around about another girl anymore.

And of course, to this day, there’s no one other than her in my heart.

She knows I’m afraid. She understands.
She knows how it feels to be afraid to lose someone.
Yet she kept silent and didn’t want to assure me anything.

Again, deep inside I trust her.
I think it’s the combination of fear and frustration because i don’t really know what she’s doing.
And that’s all.

If only she would say something to me.
I would be able to wash my fear away.

If only..

……

Dear Love,

This time, I became like you were months ago.
I’m afraid.
I’m afraid that you’re talking to another person behind me. Someone that I don’t know, someone you think is better than me.
You understand how this feel. How it feels to have constant doubt and fear without reassurance from the person that you love so much.
And now, I need you to assure me.
Would you please help me wash my fear away?

Again, I know how hard this is for you.
How hard the situation must be for you.
Not only between you and me, but between you and the people around you. Between you and the world.

I trust that you’ve read or at least look at the book and article that I gave you.
I know you’re facing your feelings.
You’re letting them come, you’re facing them and not running away from them.
You’re on the way to recovery. To let those awful feelings away from your heart and mind.

Don’t give up.
We’ve come this far. Very far.
No matter how hard it is to talk to me, try to take the first step and try to talk to me.
I swear it WILL get easier.
Deep breath. I know you could do it.
You’re the strongest girl I’ve ever known. And you still are.

We will get through this together.
I will always support you.
I will always love you, and be there for you no matter what.
We will emerge victorious from this awful condition we’re having.
I believe.
Don’t lose hope.
Have faith.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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