14-11-2015.

07:58 A.M.

My head hurts so bad. Its spinning.
I only slept for 2 hours.
I was having difficulties falling asleep.
I guess I spent too long on the roof stargazing and writing.
And I don’t know what made awake at this hour,
but just like everyday, I’m thinking of her right now.

I opened my mobile Facebook.
And I saw that she just went offline an hour ago in Facebook
Now I know that it’s not really accurate.
And I don’t mean to stalk her or anything, but last night when I was stargazing, she was still up.
Usually she would went to bed first before I finished stargazing.
Maybe it’s because today is Saturday?

And then I looked at the calendar.
It’s 14th November.

If I’m right,
She was afraid to go to sleep.
She was having difficulties going to sleep.
Maybe she even took some meds to help her fall asleep. I don’t know.

Exactly two months ago, ‘that’ happened.
The day that changed her.
Eventhough she’s getting better, she’s still in a very terrible state.

I hate assuming something.
But right now, I can’t get her out of my spinning head.
And I don’t see any other reason for her to stay up very late until an hour ago other than.. Having flashbacks.

Is she struggling right now?
I can’t know for sure.
But it seems like she is.
She told me few times about how she would take meds just to help her fall asleep.
She’s relying on antidepressants to help her calm her mind.

I’m not going to describe what happened to her.
But the point is, at this day, two months ago, there was an event that changed her into someone I barely knew.
That robbed her of her happiness.
That made her withdraw from me and afraid to touch our love.
Until this day, she still hasn’t told me in detail what happened to her.
She did tell me about what happened in summary, and it was enough for me to understand.
It was enough for me to have a killing urge.

I honestly wanted to destroy each and every person that did this to her.
That turned her into a different person she is right now.
I would gladly crush those people’s life. And I won’t regret it.
Why should I? Did those people regret doing that thing to her?
Absolutely fucking not.
Until around more than a month ago, I was still scheming a grand plan to give those people a taste of their own medicine.
I was about to make sure that they won’t get away with what they did.
Each, and every single one of them.

But I suddenly remember one thing that I once told her.
“Forgiving someone is easier than hating them.”
So I have to forgive them? After what they did to my one and only?
That seemed impossible.

Then, I began to take a good look at what she’s doing.
Shes trying her best not to show people around her that she’s overwhelmed.
She’s crying, broken inside, exhausted, and shattered to pieces.
But she still managed not to show all of those to people around her.
People said, the best revenge is to move on, get over it, and not to give the people who hurt you the satisfaction of watching you suffer.
Perhaps it is what she is doing right now?

We talked about karma.
“Karma does exists.” She said.
“Oh it will come and smack them hard in their heads later when they least expect it.” I replied.
They used her kindness. They used her trust, manipulated her and destroyed her to pieces.
Sooner or later, those fucktards will definitely get what they deserve.

What I don’t understand is, why is she avoiding me like a plague?
I get that she knows I understand what she feels. Understand what she’s going through. Understand her real feelings.
But does that mean she has to avoid me? Because I understand most things about her that people don’t?
It’s like she doesn’t trust me with all her feelings.
It’s like she regretted telling me all her secrets, and scared that I would tell everyone around her about it.
I clearly said to her numerous times that her secrets are safe with me.
But, until this day, it seems like she still doesn’t trust me.
And that hurts a little bit.

If I have anyone to tell my condition to, I wouldn’t have made this blog.
I would just vent to them everyday, whining about why me and her have become like this.
But I don’t want to tell anyone.
Not even to my closest relatives, my sister and my cousin.
All they know, she is fine, and extremely busy, and I’m just being a good, loving, caring, and understanding boyfriend for her.
There are already enough people that judged her based on what she did or what they see.
I don’t want to add more people to that list.

Right now, it’s as if I could hear her screaming in silence.
As if I could hear her crying on her bed, because of all the flashbacks.
I really wish I could be there for her.
I could, but she just won’t let me no matter how hard I tried.

I hope she finds her strength to get through today.

……

Dear Love,

I know it’s hard.
I know you’re struggling just to get through your days.
If you’re not, and if I was completely wrong about you having flashbacks of what happened two months ago, and if what I wrote accidentally made you having flashbacks, then I’m sorry.
Maybe I’m just oblivious about what you’re going through right now.

Yes, I admit I was planning to do something to those bastards.
Something so stupid and terrible, that if I look behind and saw me planning that thing, I would immediately loathe myself.
But I realize that revenge doesn’t mean I have to do what I wanted to do, I don’t have to be like them. I don’t have to do crueler things to them.

Let’s sit back and relax.
They will reap what they sow.
Karma will get them.
It will come to them sooner or later.
They will suffer worse than you did.
And if you are lucky, God will let you watch them going down.

Don’t be afraid to trust me.
I know you can trust me, but you don’t want to.
Trust me. You are safe with me.
All your secrets are safe inside my heart and mind.
I will NOT make you regret trusting me with all your love, and all your heart.
You know I promised you. I remember all my promises.

Remember, I will always be there for you no matter what.
Open your heart, even if it’s just a little bit.
Don’t let what happened to you change you.
Don’t give up. Don’t lose hope.
Never let go.
Have faith.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.
 


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