It’s always like this.
I think I began to understand myself.
I began to understand my mind.
I’m a turbulent person.
Means that I am usually self-conscious about things, usually thinking about what’s going to happen because of my oversensitiveness of my surroundings.
In short, I worry too bloody much.
Now I know why my Openness score is the first highest, and my Neurotic score is the second highest when she tested me months ago.
It’s like a cycle.
First, I’m thinking about something.
The thought will grow in my head, usually it’s something that hasn’t resolved yet.
For example : me and her.
Deep in my mind I understand her condition. Right now she’s tired of any form of relationship because of what happened.
But I’m still thinking of the whys and what ifs.
1) Why does she prioritize getting back to her communities, to people that she knows won’t even care the slightest tiniest bit if she suddenly disappears from the earth, and not me?
2) Why can’t she just continue to hold on to her love to me?
3) Why can’t she just appreciate more what she and I have?
Because I think when something happens with our relationship other than love relationship, we will cherish more what we currently have.
We will learn not to take our love relationship for granted.
4) Is it because of her past experiences with her exes?
Can’t she realize that what she and I have is totally, completely different than what she had with her abusive, temperamental, or even manipulative exes?
5) Maybe she already found someone way better than me?
This is the example of the Neurotic side of me screaming and asking questions.
I was really asking all those questions in my head.
This usually followed by heartache, tiredness, agitation, headache, yearning, and bunch of another feelings.
Second, I began to answer the questions all by myself. With lighter questions.
It’s like I’m consulting myself based on what I knew.
And sometimes I answered back.
1) Maybe she’s just trying to get back on track one step at a time?
Maybe she’s trying to show the world that she is okay?
Maybe it’s not that she’s not prioritizing me, but she’s just trying to get her sense of belonging back to her community?
Maybe she’s just trying to distract herself by going back to the communities that she knew?
“What kind of thinking is that? she neglected some those communities for a reason. Plus, some people who did the unforgivable thing to her were from one of her communities ! It’s like adding fuel to a fire that burns her ! Honestly it might be better if she neglect those communities once and for all.”
“That is true, but, do you have another answer? You know we both don’t know why she did that. Why she prioritize people from her communities instead of you. Plus, you were once from the same community from her. Yes, you left that community for good years ago, I know.”
“I don’t know what she’s hoping to get or what she’s holding onto by getting back to those communities. Is she trying to get herself back? Is she trying to find herself by doing that? I don’t understand. I really really don’t understand.”
“We both don’t.”
2) Maybe she is holding on her love to me, but she is afraid or tired to move forward?
Maybe she just needs to rest for awhile?
3) Maybe because of what happened to her made her cynical about relationship and made her not able to appreciate what she have?
I know she has turned bitter ever since ‘that’ happened.
4) Probably because she never had one good relationship?
Maybe that’s what made her so judgmental towards me?
Maybe that’s why she thinks lovey dovey relationship does not exist after what happened? Eventhough she knows exactly that it is exist. She knows exactly what we have is a real lovey dovey cheesy relationship.
Maybe she’s in complete denial right now?
5)“Maybe you’re being stupid as fuck?”
“But you do understand why am I thinking like this, right?”
“Yes. You are in complete confusion because you don’t know what is going on with her. And you don’t know what is she doing everyday and everytime.”
I guess this is still the Neurotic part of me ?
Although it seems like I am being open to myself. I am trying to calm myself down.
And luckily, my openness is way higher than my neuroticism.
Third, I am assuring myself with what I’ve understand.
I am trying to answer my lighter questions on the second cycle.
After hours of struggling with the first and second cycle, I will eventually reach the third cycle.
The first and second cycle never last more than few hours.
1) I know that she is not being herself.
I know that she is going through a lot of things right now.
It is not about prioritizing.
I believe that she is just trying to get her sense of belonging back.
She is just trying to get back to her loving self, trying to make herself better one step at a time.
I believe what I see is not always what it is. Even salt looks like sugar.
2) She clearly said to me that she is tired from any form of relationship.
It’s because what happened to her.
After her broken relationships, after ‘that’ happened, she clearly needs some rest.
I believe she just needs her space and time to rest her heart and mind. She will be okay.
3) That is true.
It is her depersonalization symptom.
She is not being herself.
I believe she will get better. Again, she just needs her space and time.
I will constantly give her love, care, and support while she’s going through all this.
4) I ALMOST judged her based on her past.
Good thing I stopped before I started thinking.
No, I don’t care whatever happened in her past.
What is in the past, stays in the past.
I love because of what she is, not because of her past.
The part about denial is true, tho. After what happened to her, she just can’t think straight. She has turned bitter and cynical. That’s why she pretends that loveydovey relationship does not exist, while she clearly knows that our relationship is a very lovey-dovey-cheesy one.
5) Yes, I was being stupid as fuck.
After this cycle, I completely calmed down.
Every complete cycle I’m going through, the first and second cycle will last shorter next time.
My understanding is going up more and more everyday.
I know I’m becoming more and more understanding everyday.
Love changed me to be a better man.
I’m going to pray for her strength and recovery.
I hope she really is taking her time to rest.
I hope she is doing her best to get back to her loving self.
I believe she is.
God help her.
Today was a very very rough day for me.
It was one of the worst day of my life.
I swear I don’t feel like doing anything today.
Because its 13th November. And because it is Friday, Friday the 13th.
Although the latter does not really matter.
Look at me. I leveled up yet again.
My understanding about you, about us, has gone up to another level.
I’m somewhat smiling right now.
It’s amazing what our love can do to me.
Always remember that I will always be there for you.
You do not have to face your troubles and problems alone.
I will never walk away, nor let you go.
No matter how hard the situation is right now.
I believe you will be okay. We will be okay.
We are getting better and better each day.
I believe you will find your way back to me.
Feel your love towards me. Use it as your guide.
Remember the moments we have.
Never give up or lose faith.
The best days for both of us are coming. I can feel it.
We are about to conquer this phase together.
Because no matter how dark the situation is right now,
love and hope are ALWAYS possible.