12-11-2015.

3:17 AM.

Regulus finally showing himself.
It’s still too hard to see because of all the lights,
but I can see that the Leo constellation is finally showing above the horizon.
….

I can’t sleep.
I grabbed my jacket and went to the roof.
And doing what I usually do when I’m thinking of her.

Stargazing.

I don’t know since when I started doing this everyday, but it has now become my daily routine every night around 1-4 AM.
I even wrote a poem few days ago while stargazing.
Well, some people might say that the lights from phone can distract you from stargazing and all, but I just don’t care.

This is the place where I can finally find myself.
The place where I found my inspirations.
Not because of the stars, or the moon,
but because everytime I see the dark night sky, all I could think about is her.
Her.

Leo.
It’s her sign.
Looking from the starmap, like I said, it’s as if Leo constellation is clawing its way up the horizon so it can finally be seen.
And I remember that there’s Leonids meteor shower in Leo constellation.
It will show itself around 16th-19th this month.
I really want to see it with her.
But she still won’t even talk to me.

She replied my message yesterday afternoon. I was kind of nervous because of something, and she calmed me down.
She never fails to calm me down.
And suddenly, few hours ago, I felt a huge rush of feeling came to my heart.
I suddenly miss her, miss her so bad my heart started to ache.
I was super emotional. I almost broke down and cry.
My chest hurts. Until now. Although the pain’s not as bad as it was.

I looked at the date.
It’s 12th November.
And I know why I suddenly miss her like this.

Because tomorrow will be exactly two months since the last time she said the word “Love” to me. Since she actually said “I Love You” to me.

‘It’s still tomorrow, right ? Then why the hell are you being like this ?’

Well shit, try to get in my shoes and think how does it feel to not receive any single form of love from your significant other because he/she is getting through something. And you can’t do anything to help her.
I got her care, she’s still showing her care to me eventhough she’s in a mess.
I know it’s a sign of love. Everytime she does that, everytime she shows her care, I can still somewhat feel her love towards me deep inside her heart.

I said I understand what she’s going through.
I said I am at the highest level of understanding towards her condition right now.
That is still true until the time I wrote this post.

But sometimes,
sometimes when you really miss someone, you can’t think straight.
All you want is love. Love from them. And nothing else.
And you will do anything necessary to get the love you want.
Just like I did.
I tried to talk to her, to get her to do Skype call with me.
I was flustered. My feelings got my heart and my head.
I was rambling things to her, blabbering things about why she shouldn’t be afraid of me, asking her for a chance for me to prove myself amidst the chaotic situation she’s having.
And obviously, she just read, and didn’t replied my message.

I asked myself while looking at the dark night sky.
“How long do you want to stay like this ? How long can your heart endure ? How long can you keep that big gaping hole in your heart waiting for her to fill it with her love once again?”
I answered those three questions with one answer :
As long as it takes.
I know, and I believe she will recover. She just needs her time.
And I’m setting no time limit. Why should I?
I love her. That’s all I know and I need to know.

….
The cold night wind finally crept in.
I need to go back downstairs.
But I don’t want to leave this place.
This is the place where I feel her closer to me.
Because I know if she were to look outside right now, she and I would see the very same stars in the very same dark night sky.

And maybe, because,
looking at the stars at time like this,
It’s as if their light teach me how to see hope during the darkest times.

……

Dear Love,

I’m sorry I blabbered things to you few hours ago.
I was flustered. I miss you so bad.

Be like Leo.
He’s clawing his way up above the horizon so he can be seen.
So he can show the beauty that he’s got.
That is Leonids, the meteor shower.

Claw your way up.
Get through your fear. Face your awful feelings.
Don’t let your fear bring you down, back to your hiding place.
Do not fear me. I’m not the devil. I’m not a monster.
Show your awful feelings to me.
Vent them. Let them go out.
So you and I can finally see the beauty inside you.
The real you, without shackles around your ankles.
Free from those awful feelings you have.

And just to remind you.
It’s not that I can’t leave. I know can.
It’s because I do NOT want to leave.
Because I love you. And nothing else.
Trust me when I say I love you.

Because I really am truly, madly, deeply, foolishly, completely in love with you.

Don’t give up.
Have faith.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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