11-11-2015.

The weather was awful.
It was raining cats and dogs all day.

I was cooking, and I was focused on what I was doing because it was raining hard.
Rain calms me down, even the heaviest rain.
And I love the sound of thunder.

But my little brother wasn’t agree.

I was done cooking, and I was looking for him,
about to ask him about the game he asked me to download.
I searched everywhere, and I can’t find him.
In my room, in his room, study room, he just wasn’t there.
Until I went into my room for the second time.

I saw that my pillows were stacking in a very odd way.
It’s like someone is hiding below them.
And there he was.
He was lying in my bed, covering his ears with both hands.

….
“What are you doing ?” I asked him.

He didn’t answer.

“Are you afraid of thunder?”

He nodded slowly.

“It’s nothing, come out, let’s play something.”
“I don’t want to.” He answered.
“Why?”
“I’m scared. I don’t like thunders. They’re loud.”

I smiled.

“You love to play Minecraft, right ?” I asked.

He nodded.

“So, what about the monsters you find in the game? Aren’t they scary?” I asked again.
“They are. They are scary.” He answered.
“And what you usually do to them?”
“I hit them with diamond sword until they’re dead.”
“Now you don’t run or hide when you see those monsters, you face them, right ? Why don’t you do the same with thunders?”
“I don’t have diamond sword. And I can’t kill thunder.”

I laughed.

“That’s right, you can’t kill thunder. But you can kill your own fear, so that the next time you hear thunder rumbling, you won’t be scared anymore.” I said to him.
“How?” He asked.
“Same thing you did to those silly monsters. You face the thunder.”
“But I don’t have a sword.”
“You don’t need a sword to face a rumbling sound. You don’t need a sword to make your fear disappear. You simply face the thunder, accept that the thunder is always making that loud cracking noise, and the fear will be gone.”

He went silent.

“Come, I’ll teach you how.” I said to him.

I helped him out of my bed, and walked with him to the porch.
As soon as me and him went outside, lightning flashed, followed by thunder.
He immediately covered his ears with both hands.
I knelt, slowly moving away his hands from his ears.

“Now, this time, try to listen to the thunder without covering your ears.” I said.

He just stood there, looking at me.
A second later, another lightning flashed, followed by another thunder.
This time, it was just a dull rumble.
He cringed for a second.

“It’s nothing, isn’t it?” I asked.
“That one wasn’t so loud.” He answered.
“Just remember, after a flash of light, usually a thunder will follow. Just get yourself ready, and know that the sound will be quite loud.”
“Okay.” He nodded.

Few seconds later, another lightning flashed, followed again by another thunder.
This time, the crackle sound was quite loud.
He cringed, and looked at me.

“That one was quite loud.” He said to me followed by small laugh.
“It was. So, thunder is okay, right?” I said.
He nodded. And went running back to living room.
He grabbed my father’s iPad, and started playing a random racing game.

I actually am amazed.
In less than an hour he managed to subside his fear of thunder.
Now, I don’t know if it is because he’s just a little kid, but his ability to understand his fear and push it away like that was amazing.
Thunder crackled outside.
I glanced at him, and he was laughing, still busy with his iPad game.
….

And I was thinking.
Usually, when we fear something, we stay away from them.
We hide from them.
But, when we do that, we let fear manipulate and dominate our life.
And, from what I saw, to lose any fear, we must be willing to face it.
We must be willing to face the thing that we feared.

And that made me think of her.
It’s like, she’s afraid of her own feelings.
She usually distract herself, make herself busy so she can hide her feelings.
So she can stay away from that awful feelings inside her head.
I’m not saying that isn’t correct. We need to do what we need to do, yes.
If we have job, we need to go to our job. If we need to go school, then we go to school. And so on.

But it won’t make those feelings go away.

She can’t make her awful feelings go away by hiding or running from them just because she fears them.
To lose our fear, we need to face it.
And in her case, to lose her fear, she must be willing to feel it.

The question is : can she do it ?
She usually distract herself when the feelings come.
Can she face them and get rid of them ?
I believe she can.
It’s not impossible.
She’s the strongest girl I’ve ever met.

……

Dear Love,

Yes, I learned some of this from the book that I mentioned you yesterday.
I know you hate your awful feelings. It’s called awful for a reason.
And I know you said it’s not necessary to talk about your feelings.
But, Maybe, instead of hiding or running away, and try to get rid of yourself of how you feel,
maybe it’s okay to realize how you feel.
Maybe it’s okay to talk about your feelings so you can understand them.

It’s like having cold. If we don’t understand what is cold, we will be panic, stressed, afraid of this strange illness called cold.
But once we understand what it is, although it’s slightly annoying, you don’t let it bother you. You went on although it’s still there.
And later your body started to heal, and eventually you’re cured.

Let your feelings be part of your day. Stop running.
Stop worrying about it.
Believe that it is okay to feel the awful feeling for this time being.
I mean, you don’t have to like those awful feelings.
Just realize that they’re not a monster. Try to face it.
If my little brother can change from a scared kid hiding beneath pillows to a laughing kid playing with his games when thunder crackles,
then you can be like him, too.

You can face your feelings. Don’t be afraid of them.
Don’t let anxiety rule your life.
Let go of your feelings for now.
Don’t fight them. Release your grip.
By letting your feelings come, you are on the way to not fearing them any more.
You are on your way to accept them and finally move on.
I know they won’t disappear overnight.
But I believe you will find peace.
I believe you will be fully recovered.

Remember, I’ll always be there for you.
If you want to talk about your feelings, I’ll be there.
Don’t give up.
Have faith.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.

 


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