10-11-2015.

She ignored me, again.
I actually don’t mind, it has become a daily routine. If she doesn’t feel like replying my message, I’m actually fine with that. I understand what she’s going through.
I could say that I am at my highest level of understanding towards her condition right now.

And today, I tried to look back, I’m looking at what I’ve been through.

..
A month and three weeks ago.
I was flustered. I was panicking.
She suddenly removed her relationship status with me in social media and changed her pictures to black photos.
What’s more, she didn’t reply my message. I knew she was busy at that time, but clearly there was something wrong with her.
I asked her, and she didn’t reply.
I had a Skype call with her. But all she could say was,
“I don’t know what’s happening.” and “It’s definitely not your fault.”
And after that call, I was still confused.
I finally forced her to tell me everything. And she told me. She told me what happened with her.
She said she can’t go back to whatever she was.
She said she tried so hard to fix herself, but she can’t. It felt so wrong.
I actually cried so hard at that time.
I felt so hopeless, I plunged into despair, because I didn’t understand what was wrong with her. Because it felt like I didn’t do anything wrong, but she turned her back to me for no reason.
It felt like she’s leaving me.

..
A month and a week ago.
It was an important week for me.
I was about to present my thesis. It was do or die week.
At that time, I was still depressed. I was crawling my way up from the well of despair.
I could say it was the most hellish week I’ve ever had in years.
I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to complete my thesis. I didn’t want to present it.
I could just say to hell with it and I knew I will be fine.
But at the same time, I knew I have to finish it.
I was one step away from finishing my months of work.
I didn’t want to let my family down. I didn’t want to let her down. She has done so much for me to help me complete the thesis.
It’s like I wanted and didn’t want to do it at the same time.
I told her that I was super nervous.
And amazingly, in her condition at that time, depressed, struggling, and whatever it was she only knows, she managed to calm me down. With just few sentences and simple motivations.
At that moment, I knew that deep inside, she’s still the same person I fell in love with since years ago.
Needless to say, I aced the presentation and got the best mark available.
And it was mainly because of her.

..
A month ago.
During this week, I was messaging her a lot of things.
I was trying not to have negative thoughts, and tried to understand her condition.
But those bloody feelings crept in anyway.
And finally, she explicitly said that she just wanted to be alone.
I didn’t understand. Why wasn’t I allowed to help her ?
Wasn’t that what I should do ? To help her facing whatever problems and troubles she’s having?
I was stressed. Depression took me over.
I lost some weight. Around 30 lbs. And I was not proud of it.
I wasn’t able to sleep. My eyes were baggy and slightly swollen. There were dark circles under my eyes.
I started to have migraines.
I was anxious about her condition. I really wanted to help her.
It was all so sudden. Weeks before, she was still talking to me, exchanging words of love and care, and suddenly she’s changed. And went into isolation alone.
That week, I was at the lowest point of my depression.

..
3 weeks and few days ago.
This was before I wrote my first post in this blog.
I was still messaging her all kinds of things.
I was talking about how it feels like she left me, about how she forgot her promises, about how afraid I was that she had new friends, or even boyfriend.
My rambling went on for 3 days.
And the result was, She and I were debating.
She said (although not literally) I was being stupid for thinking stupid things about new friends, or even new boyfriend. She said confusion and hopelessness has took me over.
And she said, she just wanted to be ALONE, (yes, in caps) and that’s all she wanted.
It was during that debate that she said our relationship felt so so wrong. Because what happened to her made our relationship unclear. She can’t think about our future, and she didn’t know if she will be able to trust anyone ever again. She hates being in unclear relationship.
But I didn’t agree. I said to her that it was only in her head.
I said to her not to give up, not to make any decision based on her messed up feelings, and told her if she can’t think positive or see something from other perspective, she better stop that thinking. She was super duper negative at mind.
Because at that time, she was super cynical about relationship. She just can’t think positive.
And I know that we can’t make an important decision based on temporary feelings.
She was not being herself.
What happened took her over.

And the rest, you can read all of them in my posts starting 16th October 2015.

Since around a month and 2 weeks ago, I have read all kinds of articles, all kinds of books about depression and anxiety, went into forums, I even discussed what is happening with me and her to a certain doctor when i was hospitalized.
Beside those, I tried talked to her, assuring her things, giving her constant love and care. And frankly, all of them made little to no progress towards her.
Until I found this one book.

Before I continue, I want to say that this post is by no means a promotion for a certain book that I will talk about. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to read, I LOVE books.
Ask her if you (can?) don’t believe me.

Few days ago, I found a book about anxiety.
Titled “At Last A Life – Anxiety and Panic Free” by Paul David.
It was the first time in my life I started to read an actual self-help book.
What made me read the book was because the author was struggling with his own anxiety problems for 10 years before he finally found a good solution. He changed from a confident person into someone whom his family hardly recognized.
And I thought, this author is just like her. Except that it’s not 10 years, it’s only months since ‘that’ happened. If this author can fully recover after 10 years of constant ineffective treatment, then it is definitely not impossible for her to fully recover.
The book explains in detail about the feelings the author had. And I have to say, it perfectly matched with her feelings and condition.

The author wrote some symptoms about anxiety and depression.
This is the part that really made me understand what she’s going through.
It’s about “Feeling Guilty”.
The point is, A lot of people who suffer from anxiety experience feelings of guilt.
This guilt is brought about by the realization that someone who at one time could do things so easily, now struggles to get through the day.
They may be in a relationship, or have children, and feel guilty that they can no longer do the things they once could with their partner or children.
And, this one, I quote :
“Some partners may be very understanding about how you feel, but some may not. They may put pressure on you to ‘pull yourself together’ and the constant strain of trying to cope can tire you further, your partner’s lack of understanding hindering recovery.”
“Thankfully, I did have an understanding partner and I explained to her that the person she could see was not the real me. I asked her to bear with me and told her that I wanted to be the person I once was and that, in time, I would be.”
The symptom is called Depersonalisation.

After I read about that symptom, I muttered to myself,
“What am I doing all this time? all I did was pushing her to do things that she can’t do in her condition right now. I’m hindering her recovery process. If I really want her to recover, I have to be as understanding and as supportive as possible.”
At that time, I was completely sure that this book will help her as it aimed for anxiety sufferers.
I know it’s not really her, I know she’s having this symptom.
So I don’t take it to heart when she’s ignoring me, hurting me, or even take out her frustration on me. Again, I understand.
I even wanted to contact the author, and ask him about her.
I want to do the best for her while she’s recovering.
I will do that after this.
Thank you, Paul David.
Your book made me completely understand what she’s going through.
I already told her about this book yesterday.
And I hope, she will read it, and be fully recovered soon.

..
And today, I looked at myself in the mirror.
And I thought to myself,
“it truly is amazing what love can do to a man.”
I saw myself, an ordinary man who love and care about her so much, willing to do anything for her.
I saw that I’ve changed.
I went through many things since two months ago.
And right now, I’m at the highest degree of understanding towards her condition.
I want to support her. I want to be the best for her.
I want her to fully recover.
I love her.

……

Dear Love,

I’m almost done reading the book.
And I could say, the book really is for you.
A month ago, I was still asking myself what happened with you,
I was asking myself what did I do wrong.
What have I done to deserve this ?
Why is it so hard to be happy with someone that I love ?

Now I understand. This is a phase for us.
Yes, we both are at our lowest point in our life right now.
Like I said, universe is preparing us.
Preparing me to be more understanding towards you. To strengthen my love.
Preparing you to finally able to see people worth your time. People worth your trust.
To see the true colours of the people around you.
Answers has finally begun to be revealed.
The book I read, is one of them, too.

I know you don’t usually read much.
But this time, read the book.
I believe your questions will all be answered.
It helped me understand your condition.
It will definitely help you recover.
I will continue to support you, to care for you.
To always be there for you no matter what happens.
You will be fine. We will be fine.
Don’t give up.
Have faith.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.
 


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