07-11-2015.

Something happened to her.
I don’t exactly know what it is, but it is making her down and depressed.
I asked her what happened and she said nothing.
“nothing” is usually translated as “something happened but I can’t/don’t want to talk about it.”
I said to her that I will always be there for her whenever she’s ready, but she said she will never be ready.
And she said that I can leave her at all times. Again.
This time, 7 times in a row.
If I really wanted to leave her I could do it since months ago. She doesn’t have to command me. If I want to leave, I would gladly leave.
But I do NOT want to leave her.
What the bloody hell happened to her? God.

When we’re feeling something bad and we don’t open up about it, that doesn’t actually stop us from feeling angry, sad, scared, or hurt.
It just means that.. we feel angry, sad, scared, or hurt.
And also totally alone, voiceless, helpless, and hopeless of ever making things better.
Not expressing our bad feelings doesn’t make them go away. it makes them worse.

Feelings are never right or wrong.
They just.. exist.
Perception and judgment about feelings can be wrong or right.
It can be valid or invalid.
But feelings are simply there, influenced by our thoughts and perceptions.
Sometimes, we tend to suppress our feelings.
We tend to be out of touch with our feelings.
We begin to ignore and withhold them.
And later, as a result, we might experience a global feeling of unhappiness. But we are not able to point what is making us unhappy.
That’s why I think suppressing feelings instead of expressing them is bad.

It’s easier to say, (in this case, to write) I know.
It’s even harder for an introvert like her to express something.
Don’t get me wrong, I am an introvert myself. And I know it’s hard for me to muster up some courage and say what I really feel.
Usually it would take me hours to think about how am I going to express myself. About how am I going to say it.
But she’s a bigger introvert than me.
It’s like, I’m a 55-60% introvert, but she’s up to 90%. Super introvert.

The main reason I made this blog and wrote my posts, is because I don’t have anyone to express my thoughts and feelings to.
I mean, I do have. But sometimes, it feels like they would get mad at me, or even get tired of listening to me, and it feels like they could shout at me telling me to shut up anytime, it feels like they can’t fully understand me.
All this time, everytime I finished (and sometimes I haven’t even finished) talk to person about how I feel, they would straightforwardly judge the situation.
If I could name a person, that’s my sister. She would immediately say what’s on her mind without thinking it two or three times.
And I bloody hate that.
But she is different.
She is a great listener. I could talk just about anything to her.
Unfortunately, she’s not around. Plus, she’s the one who needs to express her feelings right now.
Because her feelings are suppressed, and festering inside her.
Eating her up to her soul.

I went into deep thoughts mode yet again.
I think it’s happening everytime I try to think what is going on with her.
This time, I tried to think why it’s hard for her to express her feelings.
She’s.. Still afraid, I guess.
She needs her courage to be able to find her strength.
God help her.

……

Dear Love,

Try to identify your feelings.
And try to express what you feel. First, to yourself.
Once you are able to express what you feel to yourself, talk to someone.
It will help you to slide the weight of the world off your shoulders.

If you can’t talk, write it out, or express it using emotion.
Discharge your feelings.
Be angry if you want to.
Don’t suppress it.

Always remember, I will always be there for you whenever you are ready to talk about your feelings.
Although there’s a saying that we will never actually ready to do something.
There is almost no such thing as ready.
There is only now.

You are safe with me.
Don’t be afraid.
At time like this, fear only makes us do crazy shits, and nothing else.
Take a deep breath.
Calm yourself.
Don’t doubt yourself.
Whatever happens, you WILL be okay.
Have faith.

Love,
Yours.

V.A.C.W.
 


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