Until this day, this hour,
there is one thing that I really want to know.
I want to know what she really feels.
I actually want to know what she’s doing everyday, too.
But I think I wrote about this last month, on 20th October, to be exact.
The point about that post is, I trust her in whatever she’s doing.
I want to know what she really feels, not necessarily towards me, but to.. Everyone.
Excluding her family, of course.
Last time I asked her, she seemed confused.
She answered with “I feel nothing”.
Which is very vague and not true.
I know her heart is filled with mixed, complicated feelings.
I wrote many assumptions about how she feels, some of them became poems.
But to this minute, I’m still curious on what she really feels.
I know few definite things.
This is from what I saw, and what she told me.
She can’t trust anyone.
After ‘that’ happened, this is an undeniable truth.
She have people that can be trusted. And I’m going to say that’s.. Me.
But she just don’t want to trust anyone at this point.
She’s trying to avoid ‘that’ from happening again.
But, if she use our past experience as a reason not to trust anyone again,
I believe she will only ended up hurting ourselves.
Building walls around her to keep herself off from people will not solve any problems.
It will not keep her safe.
It keeps her lonely, and miserable.
She can’t think positive about any relationships.
Everytime she sees something related to relationship, she turns bitter.
When she sees happy couple photos,
all she could think about is there must be something behind it.
About the couple’s fights and quarrels, about the unknown.
It’s called ‘unknown’ because its unknown. Why think negatively?
It is true that guarantees are not found in any relationships. Especially love relationships.
People aren’t robots. We don’t do exact things like computers.
The emotion she feels about relationship right now is normal. Everyone has it.
The truth is, we will get hurt sometimes by the people we love.
We will feel fear, or maybe sometimes disappointment when we get into any form of relationship, regardless of who we are with.
It’s because we are humans.
Because building a relationship, especially love relationship, is not about finding a perfect person that will make no mistakes.
It’s about the willingness to work together through problems when it arises.
She don’t want to acknowledge her own feelings.
This is strongly related to her trust issues and her negative thinking towards relationship.
She’s afraid. And I don’t completely understand why she’s afraid.
I’m not a monster. And she knows I love her.
But she’s just can’t say what she really feels deep inside.
I know that talking about feeling,
means that we are going to be vulnerable to the person we talk to.
Talking about feelings creates and deepens intimacy.
To say hard things about feeling can be rewarding and liberating.
And she’s afraid of being vulnerable. (This is another fact about her right now.)
Trying to be vulnerable again to people after a deep pain might seems impossible.
But it does not have to be like that.
I believe if she stays open and trusting to someone she loves, to me,
she will find that her world changes for the better.
In ways she may never have imagined.
Come to think (again) about it,
What I wrote might, or might not be true.
seeing all my posts about thoughts, feelings, and the poems that I wrote,
I honestly never thought that I could think and write like this.
This is all possible because of my love and care for her.
I’m not a philosopher.
I’m just a random person with infinite love for her.
And what happened to her, what happened to me, what happened to us,
made me think and wrote many things.
Our love is my inspiration.
She is my muse.
Do not let negative past experiences allow you to believe that it’s not safe to trust again.
Yes, we have become quite distant since ‘that’ happened.
‘That’ made you cynical, suspicious, and unable to follow your heart.
Because you are afraid of what might happen.
But don’t be afraid to allow yourself to be vulnerable to me,
don’t be afraid to open yourself despite what has happened in your past.
I want you to acknowledge that what we have is truly an amazing relationship.
Filled with love and trust.
And if you think about it, we could never have found each other or shared such depth of love at the first place if you had your protective walls built up.
Being vulnerable is not the same with being weak.
To this day, you are still the strongest girl I’ve ever known.
You opened yourself to me.
And I did the same thing to you.
Let go of your fear.
Put your guard down.
Let my love guide you.